Of saying goodbye to summer...

There's a real back-to-school feeling in this house. Not just for DS1, who is whinging about next week already, but for me too. It has been an amazing summer. It has been the summer of Crush 2.0 absolutely, but it's been so much more than that - some sparked by him, some just me...


It's been the summer when I had male friends again, when a world that had been completely full of mums and children for so long suddenly opened up.
It's been a time when I've had fun, real fun, for the first time in a very very long time.
It's been a time when I've remembered I'm an artist, and that that used to mean something to me, and maybe it's starting to again
It's been a time when I've realised that maybe the me that I was with DS1's dad was not as completely stupid and naive as I'd come to think she was. That maybe I didn't need to throw out the baby with the bath water.
It's been a time when I've been intellectually challenged again, by the books Crush 2.0 has introduced me to.
It's been a time when I've been creative and I've written song after song after song.
It's been a time when I've let go completely of the notion of tidying and cleaning and just enjoyed my time with my kids.
It's been a time when I've let go of thinking 'I must do xxx for the kids sake' and just done stuff for me.
It's been a time when I've developed new business contacts.
It's been a time when I've deepened friendships with mum friends that were previously just another face in the playground.
It's been a time when I've let go of the dream of having another child.

Of slobbery, discovery and contentment

Nearly two weeks since my last blog and I still haven't really recovered from the holiday - DS1 went four days without brushing his teeth before I noticed we hadn't unpacked his toothbrush - and there is still a bag yet to unpack at my feet. I haven't really bothered getting back into any kind of routine, and my kitchen is not dissimilar to my student kitchen from the early 90s (minus the fellow staircase dwellers who might've take pity on me and done the washing up).

While it was sheer tiredness that started this new slobbery, I'm genuinely quite enjoying it - apart from the tripping over stuff and not being able to find anything, which is starting to get annoying. Without the relentless grind of tidying up and doing stuff and eating at certain times I have relaxed. I have enjoyed my kids more, I have enjoyed my life more, I have exercised more and have eaten better. I think my letting go has generally been a good thing for us as a family - the house less so. Crush 2.0 says what needs doing will get done - that's as good a reason as any to just cross my fingers and hope the cleaning fairies arrive one night isn't it? 

Of letting go

So here's a major part of my life I haven't blogged about...

When I was with DS1s dad, we always talked about having 3 or 4 kids. Well, I say we talked, in retrospect I think I talked and he begrudgingly went along with is probably more accurate. Then when I was planning trying for DS2, even then I was thinking that if it went well and I coped ok then I'd like to try for another. I've talked about it openly with loads of people since DS2 was born - the number of times I've said 'I think I could manage one more on my own' in conversation - with anyone really, not even just close friends. I think, being one of five, two children just felt like such a small family. I wanted my family to be like a 'proper' family, and less than three kids didn't feel like that. Particularly being on my own - it just felt there were not enough people in our home. This has been my mind set for pretty much as long as I can remember.

It's not just been a thought either - the night after the open mic where Crush 2.0 and I had our first proper conversation I was sat in a consulting room at the clinic where I had DS2 discussing the start of my treatment. It was surreal. Made more so, by an ice cream van intermittently playing it's tune through the open window.  My consultant is lovely,
"So another one eh?" he said,
"Just one more" I said,
"Addicted!" he laughed.
He went through all the questions they have to ask:
"Any sexual partners?"
"No" I said out loud.
"Not yet" I said in my head.
"And not any since last time we saw you?"
For some reason that threw me, I had to think - I don't know why, I knew the answer - but I still sounded surprised at myself when I said "No".

I'd had some blood tests at my GPs prior to the appointment and had been slightly freaked out by my progesterone being 'borderline'. I know I probably shouldn't have been, I'm not getting any younger, but having never had any trouble at all getting pregnant I sort of assumed I'd be fine despite my age. My GP had assured me it was nothing to worry about and my consultant didn't pay it much attention and arranged another more accurate test for me. When I had this test before trying for DS2 it had showed I had the ovaries of someone four years younger - get in!! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers for the same result or better again. I find out in a couple of weeks.

Originally, I had planned to start my treatment at the end of October - work might be a bit quieter then and what was the point in waiting, I thought.

Then I was thinking maybe January - no work then at all and it gave me a bit more time - so long as the results of the test were okay then no harm waiting until then.

Then I met Crush 2.0.

Of the summer holidays, train tracks and hands off parenting

So, in the midst of all the Crush 2.0 saga apparently we're more than two weeks into the summer holidays - who knew? I feel like I've been floating on another planet for the last month and since I'm not showing any signs of coming down any time soon the children are adjusting to my somewhat lacklustre parenting skills.

Last week, fortunately, DS1 had a break from 'vacant mummy' as he was with his dad for 4 nights, which is the longest he's ever been away. They went on holiday and he had a really good time - even though it was longer than he'd ever been before, it seems it made more sense to him because it wasn't just being away for the sake of being away from us, there was a reason to go. He hasn't stopped talking about it since we got back - he saw steam trains and went to adventure parks and went to the beach - all good healthy stuff.

He was definitely the lucky one - firstly, because he actually had a parent engaging with him on a regular basis for the purposes other than just talking about Crush 2.0, and secondly because he missed the opening round of DS2s ascent into good solid 2 year old behaviour. This involved DS2 spending most of the day saying 'I don't want this' and 'I don't like that' - and then having a full blown tantrum if I didn't follow close behind him when we went to another room/up the stairs. Seriously, if I dare to walk in front, beside or any other place, full on melt down ensues. He is still a delightful kid and it is hard to resist him because when he asks for something he never ever says 'I want', he always says 'Shall we...' which is just tooo cute!! I have to admit though for those four days, he did spend a hell of a lot of time in front of Thomas on the TV while I arsed about on FB and twitter,  pretended to do work, and held imaginary conversations with Crush 2.0 in my head.

We both survived though and Crush 2.0 was a good distraction for me from DS1 being away for so long, which I think would've been pretty painful had I not had something else to concentrate on. I didn't miss him half as much as I could've done. 
DS1 arriving home on Friday at least gave DS2 some quality attention from somewhere and there has been less telly watching and much more train track building since his return. We have got into a nice routine of DS2 poking me awake at about 6.30 until I agree to give him the Thomas App on the phone. Eventually I'll haul myself out of bed and make the strongest cup of tea I can and ignore the pleas of 'Thomas on the television' - at least until the 7.35am episode on Milkshake. Sometime after that DS1 will eventually show his face and the train track building can begin in earnest. Then I can settle down to playing Crush 2.0s CD loudly and musing on/over-analysing my last conversation with him.