Pass the wine I'm back...

 

So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:

'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'

So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Of letting go

So here's a major part of my life I haven't blogged about...

When I was with DS1s dad, we always talked about having 3 or 4 kids. Well, I say we talked, in retrospect I think I talked and he begrudgingly went along with is probably more accurate. Then when I was planning trying for DS2, even then I was thinking that if it went well and I coped ok then I'd like to try for another. I've talked about it openly with loads of people since DS2 was born - the number of times I've said 'I think I could manage one more on my own' in conversation - with anyone really, not even just close friends. I think, being one of five, two children just felt like such a small family. I wanted my family to be like a 'proper' family, and less than three kids didn't feel like that. Particularly being on my own - it just felt there were not enough people in our home. This has been my mind set for pretty much as long as I can remember.

It's not just been a thought either - the night after the open mic where Crush 2.0 and I had our first proper conversation I was sat in a consulting room at the clinic where I had DS2 discussing the start of my treatment. It was surreal. Made more so, by an ice cream van intermittently playing it's tune through the open window.  My consultant is lovely,
"So another one eh?" he said,
"Just one more" I said,
"Addicted!" he laughed.
He went through all the questions they have to ask:
"Any sexual partners?"
"No" I said out loud.
"Not yet" I said in my head.
"And not any since last time we saw you?"
For some reason that threw me, I had to think - I don't know why, I knew the answer - but I still sounded surprised at myself when I said "No".

I'd had some blood tests at my GPs prior to the appointment and had been slightly freaked out by my progesterone being 'borderline'. I know I probably shouldn't have been, I'm not getting any younger, but having never had any trouble at all getting pregnant I sort of assumed I'd be fine despite my age. My GP had assured me it was nothing to worry about and my consultant didn't pay it much attention and arranged another more accurate test for me. When I had this test before trying for DS2 it had showed I had the ovaries of someone four years younger - get in!! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers for the same result or better again. I find out in a couple of weeks.

Originally, I had planned to start my treatment at the end of October - work might be a bit quieter then and what was the point in waiting, I thought.

Then I was thinking maybe January - no work then at all and it gave me a bit more time - so long as the results of the test were okay then no harm waiting until then.

Then I met Crush 2.0.