A glorious distraction from hell

My eldest is making our lives hell at the moment. He is the worst kind of teenager right now. He wakes up in a bad mood, and then spends the day swinging between 'my whole family is mad/insane/awful to me' and 'I'm such a terrible person' i.e. anything to avoid dealing with the actual issues he's facing and does a fine line in targeted passive aggression for anyone that dares to suggest he might think about doing that. Middle kid and I are therefore splitting most of his jobs between us just to avoid being around someone who refuses to do anything but make us feel like shit and won't help if asked, or will only 'help' in a way that makes more work and stress for everyone. Then middle kid gets overwhelmed and I have to deal with that too. Most days I can hold off the meltdowns for myself but this morning was a pretty bad one. I am completely fucking knackered and overwhelmed most of the time right now, so I have decided to continue distracting myself with the aforementioned probably inappropriate crush, just to avoid thinking about it. Lets call him PIC for short, cos you know how I love an acronym. 

So, here's your catch up since my last report:

One of the big problems of not being neurotypical is I have fuck all idea when someone is flirting with me. I mean really, you have to be so blindingly obvious and even then I may not spot it. What this means is that despite being three weeks on since I last reported on my latest probably inappropriate crush, and endless messaging backwards and forwards about our lives and pasts, and him saying nice things to me and seeing each other at zoom events (that he's invited me to), I'm still not sure if he's just being friendly and supportive or actually fancies me.

Maybe he doesn't know either? Maybe he's testing the water? But it's been a month now of messaging most days, wouldn't he have an idea?

But then maybe I don't know? I mean he seems like the perfect man - he hates tories, bemoans that we live in a misogynistic society and once apologised for not messaging back because he was doing the washing up (and  I don't know about you but as sex talk goes that kinda does it for me.) - but is he really? Is it just that I have had such appalling experiences with men in the past that my standards are so low that just being a decent human renders any man instantly attractive? 

I would love him to ask me out. It occurred to me that no one has ever asked me out properly. Not in all my 48 years on this planet. I mean I've been on dates years ago with match.com - but its not the same if someone wants to meet up then because its a forgone conclusion as to why you're talking - that's why you're on the app. Well, website when I was last on it, that's how long ago it was. Anyway, it just feels like it would be great, if, just once, I met someone, got to know them, and they liked me enough to ask me out on a date. Does that still happen? Or do I just watch to much Movies24??

We do seem to have an awful lot in common, and for once he's actually a similar age to me - I haven't been out with someone my own age in decades! I know I could ask him, but I don't want to make it awkward if he still wants to come to my events. And also I don't want to be rejected to be totally honest. He may have fancied me to begin with but now he knows a lot more about my life he may not be interested and just being friendly. Also, if I resolve that issue then it won't be a distraction I can muse on instead of dealing with my actual problems, it'll be something else I have to deal with, and I don't honestly know if I want that,  no matter how lovely it is. 

Well, I guess I'll just keep on pondering and let you know. In the meantime, do you have any top tips for telling signs that someone fancies you I can look out for??

Pass the wine I'm back...

 

So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:

'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'

So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Irresponsiblity, sexting and public displays of affection

Okay, here's the thing.. it's not that I want to blog about the intimate details of my new found sex life - 'cause that's probably more information than anyone needs - but I do want to share my thoughts about it, which requires a little information at least, so apologies up front to the easily embarrassed! So, whilst attempting not to be too explicit, here is the Dreads update:

It is now two weeks since Dreads and I started sleeping together - but I've only actually seen him the once since the first time. The thing is though, it feels like much more than that, because despite the fact this is entirely casual (he regularly reminds me that he is my 'sex toy' - his words! - and not my boyfriend) he texts and FBs me whenever he can. To be honest, I can't remember when I had a boyfriend this attentive, and I kind of like it.

Okay, 80% of it is sex talk, but in between all of that he's really supportive of my music, interested in my work and my spirituality, wants to be involved in that, and wants to learn from me, so it feels like we connect on a different level as well. For me, I think, if we didn't then I wouldn't want to sleep with him quite so much, because even if it is just sex, I can't imagine being turned on by someone that wasn't interesting in themselves, or was completely uninterested in me. I guess for me its really true what they say about the brain being the biggest sexual organ - and unless that's engaged it's just not happening for me.

So, sex and friendship it is - but as a friend said to me recently "Surely that's all any relationship is?" But is it? See, what I like about Dreads is that I get all the attention and he makes me feel great but I have none of the commitment, the obligation, the day to day stuff that I think can sometimes kill relationships. You know, the having to visit his mother, or arguing who'll put the bins out, or paying the bills, that kind of thing. I know all that kind of thing is necessary if you are in a proper relationship with someone, because you share a life and so there are practical considerations about how you organise that and have an equal division of labour. But that stuff isn't sexy is it? I'm aware this may well sound shallow and immature, but that's sort of how I feel like being - hence sleeping with the 20 year old I guess!

Dreads and the return of sex

So... out with the 42 year old solitary guitarist completely incapable of communicating emotion and in with the 20 year old front man of a thrash metal rock band who just wants to get laid?... yeah, that'll work... maybe....

Would be great if it were that simple, wouldn't it? Anyway, rewind, let me introduce you to Dreads...

So Dreads, is said 20 year old.. with an amazing head of dreads down to his waist.. hence the pseudonym. I first met him back in September at the gig I had after the first night Crush 2.0 stayed over. The gig was actually a competition and we were the only two competitors that night. I really liked him when I met him - not fancied him, just knew he was 'our kind of person' - chatted about him with Crush 2.0 on FB when I got home that night and posted him the video of one of his songs... Crush 2.0 liked him too. I did invite him then to come along to an open mic, but I didn't manage to find him on FB, found his band, but turns out his stage name isn't his real name...  his real name is infinitely more mundane... think I might suggest he goes with Dreads!! He says when he first met me that night I seemed a bit innocent and a bit floaty... I did explain I'd been seriously hungover and had barely slept and was in a place of going 'WTF was that???' after spending my first 24 hrs with Crush 2.0. He thought that was very funny given his impression of my innocence. He also thought I was about 28... get in!!! Good to know that even hungover and half asleep I can still pull off looking 12 years younger than I am!!!

Getting back to the ordinary again...

Almost two weeks since I posted the goodbye letter. God it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I'm almost glad that life is getting back to normal after so many months of craziness. And sometimes I close the door after dropping the kids off and out comes such a primal scream that I gasp for air like I'm drowning

He's barely been on FB... it was our place and I guess he's avoiding it. Although, today I noticed he'd joined her to the closed fan page we co-administrate - which we'd had a conversation about a while back, I might've mentioned it. Anyway, she's sat on the 'requested to join' list for several weeks, and when we spoke he'd not been keen to join her - it's the page where we all play really, and he wasn't sure he wanted her involved. I'd told him it was up to him - I wasn't going to join her, as she was his ex and I wasn't going to get involved. So the fact that after all this time she's finally on there, I guess is as much confirmation as I'm going to get that they are back together.

But why? I don't get it. I guess maybe it's just as simple as he loves her, always has and probably always will. Maybe because of that and all their shared history it doesn't matter how badly she's behaved, he's just going to put up with it. And lets face it, the relationship he and I had isn't one that's remotely compatible with him having a girlfriend. Still, it was unkind of him to just cut me off the way he did - no warning, no explanation, and certainly no apology.

It's strange to realise how much of a connection we had, how much the little things counted. Pretty much every morning I would wake up and there would be something on FB - even if he'd just liked a post of mine. Now, nothing. For almost two weeks.

I ended up going to his Open Mic on Thursday. His best mate convinced me - lets call him C2BM eh? gotta love an acronym! We've been chatting a lot on FB recently, its really meant a lot to have someone who knows Crush 2.0 to be supportive of me - I sent him a copy of that last post (with pseudonyms change to protect the innocent of course) and it really meant a lot that he was kind and sympathetic, coming from someone that knows Crush 2.0 that means a lot - although he's also at a loss to understand why he's behaving the way he is. Anyway, it was C2BM's last Open Mic before Christmas so I said I'd go, and it was lovely to see all my friends and it felt like coming home - like seeing my family again. Some kind words from a friend earlier in the day had helped and I went with the attitude of just enjoying myself with my friends - and since I wasn't trying to notice Crush 2.0 or get any connection then it didn't hurt so much. It just hit me a bit the next day, realising that all we'd said was hello and goodbye, and the conversation necessary when you get up to play - apart from that he'd actively avoided being involved in any conversation that I was a part of. Just sad really.

It's shitty.. but if his ex is as unstable as she appears to be, then I guess that's the condition of them being back together. And if that's what he wants then that's what he's got to do.

It's just that as well as the sadness, life just seems a little dull without it.

And I know people mean well, but the 'oh don't worry someone better will come along' type comments drive me mental. I guess that's because it means that the person saying it doesn't understand me - and having just lost someone who really did, it hurts particularly to discover others.
I didn't fall for Crush 2.0 because I was looking for a man and he happened to fit the bill. I fell for him because of him, because of everything he is. I have been - and remain - happy with being single, but just because you're happy with the single life you choose to live doesn't mean you'll never fall in love. And having had that happen to you and it all ended like this, you're certainly not going to be looking to do it any time soon...Jesus, I wouldn't go through this last month again if you paid me!!

I mean, don't get me wrong, if the choice was between none of this crazy summer and autumn happening at all, and it happening and ending like this, I'd choose the latter every time. I've had a ball!!  I have some amazing friends - and if only for a short time I felt understood, cared about, appreciated by a gorgeous, talented, intelligent man. That was a good feeling.. even if it did drive me slightly crazy all the 'will he? won't he?' stuff... better to have loved and lost eh?

So for now, I'm in the place of being glad that it happened and sad that its over at the same time... and that changes each day... guess I've just got to keep on keeping on - as Crush 2.0 used to say...

So here's me keeping on...

• I'm keeping in contact with all the friends I made - and it hasn't affected my developing friendship with C2BM - thus far - which I hope will remain true, because he is a really lovely human being. 
•  I'm exploring other Open Mics - although the average age seems about 15 years younger than Crush 2.0s ones - not used to feeling like the old lady!!
• I'm trying to sort out my house because after the last three months it is just piles of unsorted stuff everywhere. Who knows, I may even clean... no laughing at the back there!!
• I'm trying to yell less at DS1 - although he does drive me completely crazy with his ignoring everything I say and generally being vacant - so some things haven't changed that much since I started this blog.
• I've even been known to sit down on the floor and play with DS2 in the last week, instead of just leaving him to his trains and tracks by himself
• I'm off on a mum's night out this week, and I'm seeing as much of my mum friends as I can
• I've agreed to go to C2BM's Christmas gig, which Crush 2.0 will be at, but I refuse to give up my friends because of him... it will be hard, but I will handle it, and it will get easier, slowly but surely...

So, tell me.. what are your top tips for getting over someone? And have you managed to keep mutual friends after a break up? All thoughts greatly appreciated!!

The Goodbye letter

Dear Crush 2.0

I have spent the last four months living and breathing you. You have been the inspiration for songs, and blog posts and endless tweets ... and even though you pretended not to know you were my muse, I'm sure you did. I didn't realise how used to having you in my heart every day I had got, until it ended so recently and so suddenly.

I guess I should've known really shouldn't I? That as soon as I got comfortable with how we were, and the way we seemed to be moving - and even wrote a post about it - then things would change. That is how life goes for me.  You'd think after 40 years I'd come to expect it, but I really didn't see it coming, not like this.

You turned up at my 40th birthday party in the foulest mood I've seen you in, and did little to hide it. You even sodded off for a couple of hours to go and get yourself something to eat elsewhere. You came across like the stereotypical prima donna musician. You were rude to my friends and family, you were offhand with your own friends and I genuinely wish you'd just said to me:
"Look ATOmum, I've got some stuff going on, really not in the mood for this, I'm going to go and I'll come back at the end for the amp and the mic, have a lovely time".
But you didn't. And so the friends and family that I had sung your praises to, who met you for the first time that night were left with the impression that at 40 years old I still didn't know the difference between a good man and an arsehole.
You hung around like a miserable git, didn't even want to give me a lift home even though there was no other way of getting me there, and then you sat there in my living room still miserable and offhand with me, and only slightly less so with our friends who'd come back to. At the time I was just about too drunk to notice or care, but looking back now, it kills me. I enjoyed my party despite you, but still, if there's an opposite of the cherry on a cake then you were it.

Nothing and everything

So, I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger on the Crush 2.0 front didn't I? And I wish I had a fitting finale... but I kind of don't.. sorry!

I did carry out my plan, and suggest to the man, that after a second night sleeping in my bed, arms wrapped around me, that perhaps, before we got up, he should at least kiss me. (I didn't ask him the night before, apparently I opted for having a drunken rant about something and then passing out on him - attractive huh?) He laughed, and I didn't say anything.
He joked that I was being pushy again (hardly pushy really given the situation eh?), and that I was "messing with his karma" - which I think is closer to the real reason. Then he gave me a peck on the cheek, and I grabbed him and said "that's not a proper kiss" and he gave me a quick peck on the lips and said "That's all you're getting!"... and off he went downstairs. And still, thinking about it now, I didn't get the sense that he meant 'ever'.... but who knows?

Anyway, I got up, joined him, and we spent what was left of the afternoon chatting, sorting out his business stuff, just as relaxed with each other as we always are, and then I went to pick up the kids. When I got back he was there in the kitchen, cooking tea for all of us. Which was, of course, lovely. The kids love having him around.. and so do I.

What happened after that? Well, before he left, he talked about coming back to stay a couple of days later - he had to be in our town the following day for an appointment so it kind of made sense. In the end he didn't - he had to get back for his dog that was staying with him as his ex was away for the week - but the fact that he planned to come back, and the fact that when I asked him if he was, he gave me a straight answer, those things are kind of new.

Since then, we've been much closer - he's hardly being evasive at all when I speak to him!!  When I saw him at the next Open Mic night we arranged him bringing the music equipment for my birthday party and he said: "I'm probably going to be really drunk, I'm staying at yours that night, right?", and planning that in advance is definitely new! As it turns out, he's not, as he now has to work the next day, and his friend needed a lift. The point is though, that these are now the kind of conversations we can have, and every time I see him, he's always talking about the next time he's going to see me. Okay, there's always some other reason than just wanting to spend time with me - business stuff, or recording tracks for me - but maybe that's how he needs it to be right now...for whatever reason.

So I guess, technically we're still 'just friends', and there is some reason that he's not ready to make it more physical.. yet.. and I'm still not 100% certain what that is - because it genuinely doesn't feel like he doesn't fancy me at all. The important thing for me as that it feels different, it feels like we've moved on.

And then on Sunday after the Open Mic, when everyone had gone, he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye, and he said - for the first time - not just "Goodbye", but "Lots of love"

What it feels like, for want of a better way of putting it, is that we're on a journey, and we do seem to be moving closer together, and while I still have no real clue where this particular ride is going to take me, I am enjoying it. I get to spend a whole load of time with a gorgeous, fascinating, clever, talented guy who cares about me, makes me laugh, respects me, supports and encourages me, loves it when I talk passionately about the things I care about, gets on great with my kids, and cooks amazingly! That can't be such a bad thing can it?

Love you too Crush 2.0

Sex, love or self-preservation?

Well its been an interesting weekend....

On Saturday afternoon, I was highly pissed off with Crush 2.0. I'd had enough with the 'air of mystery', with his inability to give a straight answer to a straight question, with the aversion to committing to anything more than his next breath. I was done.

By 5am Sunday morning I was lying in my bed, snuggled into him, his arms wrapped around me.  But still no kissing, still nothing else.

This is what happened:

I'd asked Crush 2.0 on FB to give me a lift to our mates gig that we were both going to on Saturday night. He'd posted a smiley face in reply. I'd said 'I'm taking that as a yes, you know'. I'd mentioned it again, he'd been equally non-committal, I'd told him again I was taking it as a yes, because I figured then he'd at least have to tell me if it was a no. Apparently not though.
Chatted to him on FB on the afternoon of the gig and asked him again, he said:
'I've been arranged a taxi'.
No apology, no explanation.  So I said:
'and the taxi couldn't swing by here?' He said
'Its for the way back, pushy!'
and I wanted to say "So how are you getting there, fucking teleport??' but I didn't I said:
'Since when has asking one question been pushy?'
and there followed some banter, which my heart wasn't really in, and I think he knew it.. he knew I was pissed off with him and it was like he was trying to jolly me out of it. I said goodbye went off to make the kids tea.

Let me put this in context: To get from his house to the gig he would be driving within a couple of hundred yards of my front door, so however he was getting there, there was no obvious reason not to pick me up. It seemed to me that in that situation, the least you could do for a friend, for someone you actually gave a shit about was give them a quick explanation.

What next?

I wish one day I could write this blog and say "So Crush 2.0 said he likes me too and now we're going out. WOOO HOOOO!"

But I can't, because I don't actually think that's going to happen any time soon. For whatever reason he isn't there yet, and I don't know how long its going to take before he is, if ever.

He came round today, but didn't stay to cook for me as planned, because he has a cold, and it seems that he fits that cliche of men being rubbish with colds - he did actually look and sound pretty rough, and tired. He said he wouldn't be much company and he'd probably fall asleep but he would come back when he was better. So I guess it was kind of sweet that he came at all. And he looked through the footage of the presentation I did this morning and gave me lots of encouragement for it, and he explained to me some sound engineering stuff I'd been asking about, and he looked after DS2 while I took DS1 to his club. This is all good stuff.. and it feels like more than just friends... but there is absolutely no kissing or anything remotely like it involved... although that's probably a good thing, with the cold and everything!

I've been wondering recently, if maybe I scare him. I always say stuff that seems to surprise him - its like just when he gets a handle on who I am, I go and do or say something that doesn't fit in with his idea of me - like work stuff, or like DS2 being donor conceived. He said on FB last night 'When you gonna be yourself?' and I told him that all of this was me, just different bits of me. He said 'hmmmm'.

The thing is with Crush 2.0, as I've said before, I am all of myself with him, I don't bother turning up or down the volume on any aspect of who I am.. and it is so relaxing for me, but maybe it is hard for him. I don't know. The thing is, for me, even now, having just spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon, I feel really really chilled out. I am nicer to the children, I am a better mum just because he's been here. Just being around somebody who is like me, who thinks like me, who gets me is so great - there is something amazing about finding a kindred spirit... and whatever else he is, he will always be that. There are obviously ways in which we're not similar - otherwise we would be going out right about now!!! - but that's also what makes it so hard to give him up, to give up the idea that we could be together.

So do you think its possible to give up that hope?

If you met someone who seemed perfect for you in every way, who wanted to talk to you every day, who encouraged you, who listened to your opinions, who made you laugh, who was an amazing cook, who was talented, clever, creative and drop dead gorgeous, and whose presence just altogether made you feel like you'd finally come home.... could you give that up?

Because although I know I probably should - because I deserve someone who is all that and who can say 'yes, I want you too' - its hard, and I don't know if I can.

What do you reckon people, what next?

Of Crush 2.0: The 'is he interested?' vote - you decide!

Right, readers, I need your opinion - I'm going to give you the Crush 2.0 update, and I need to know in your experience, do these seem like the actions of someone a/interested in me? or b/just being friendly?

It was all so much easier with Crush the First, it was absolutely, definitely a one way thing: I liked him, he barely noticed my existence. You know where you stand with that.
Crush 2.0 is a whole different ball game. He actually interacts with me and takes an interest and has a laugh with me. This is a whole lot less safe than my crush on Crush the First, which I knew was going nowhere. If Crush 2.0 is interested and not just being friendly, then here's a man that I seem to have a lot in common with, I really click with, I have a laugh with and I think is FAF. That, scarily, sounds like a relationship that might, actually, dare I say it.... work? Aaaarrrgghhh!!! (That'll be the sound of me running terrified for the hills)
This is why I need your expertise, if this is going to happen, might as well start facing my fears in advance - they might take a while to get over!

So is it
a/oh yes he really does fancy you ATOmum or
b/get over yourself woman.

Voting comments open at the end of this post....

Here are the facts:

Of parenting fails, facebook friends and the absence of sex

So, you know when you have a post that no one seems really interested in but you kind of need to carry on on the same theme for your own sanity? That'll be what this is then.

The last couple of days have been a bit of a daze. In fact most of the time since last Thursday have been a bit of a daze - I've just noticed it more the last two as I've had to get DS1 up and out for school. They have been a daze because of my aforementioned obsession with Crush 2.0  - and I don't use the word obsession lightly - I have been thinking about him ALL the time. And sometimes Crush the 1st too, but more of that later.

As a result these have been my epic parenting fails:

1. Two days packed lunches unmade, had to send in money for school dinners
2. One day DS1 wearing damp jumper to school as didn't get the washing on
3. One day DS2 going to childminders without his bag
4. Several days of eating utter shite for tea
5. One day of totally failing to prep for important work meetings
6. Much yelling at small children because of running late and them not appreciating the urgency that I was entirely responsible for creating.
7. Today, being so late (because of failure to prep) that had to drop DS1 at school gate with not quite enough money for lunch.

It was number 7 there that really pulled me up. I always see him into class, I've never left him at the gate - his little worried face as I drove away was enough to break anyone's heart. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It was probably, though, the kick in the face I needed to at least make some sort of attempt to snap out of this dreamworld.

That was the point I had to stop and ask myself this question: "Why the hell am I failing to function properly just because of some bloke?" It is fucking ridiculous when you stop and think about it, because I've barely had a conversation with him, let alone anything else. Here is my attempt to answer that:

Of a change in Crushes

Regular followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Crush for a while. (New followers can catch up on the story of my obsession here)  I have genuinely been meaning to do an update for a while, but having spent the last 48 hours obsessing over Crush 2.0 - oh yes, there's a new man in town - I feel I should at least complete the Crush the First story.

So,  I think the last time I blogged about Crush, I was asking for suggestions as to what I should do when I saw him at a local gig that me and the school run Mums were going to. Well, he ended up cancelling that gig, so any advice offered - and thanks to those that did - was, sadly, purely academic. I had a short bout of paranoia thinking maybe he was just going to extreme lengths to avoid me, but a quick cyber stalk revealed he did, in fact, have some pretty major career helping commitments elsewhere, so clearly my obsession hadn't disturbed him that much - yet. Anyway, as it turned out, I didn't end up seeing him at all until a couple of weeks ago when I took the kids to a local music day he was playing at. I'd promised DS1 if Crush was ever playing during the day then I'd take them, as they do really like his album, and this looked like it was going to be the only opportunity.

It was a strange day as DS1 was at his dad's that weekend, so it meant him coming back from there a bit early, and somehow or other that ended up turning into another 'two families' afternoon, i.e. me, the ex, the ex's new kid, DS1 and DS2 all hanging out together. We'd had our first 'two families' day back at the end of May when the ex's wife had come along too - we went to an open day at a local farm so there were loads of activities, which I thought would be a good thing for everyone to focus on, instead of it all being completely weird. What I hadn't counted on was running into someone I hadn't seen for about 20 years and having to say this:
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should do some introductions, this is my son, DS1, and this is his dad, and this is his wife and their son, and this is my donor-conceived son, DS2"
Fortunately, my old friend was polite enough not to say "WTF happened to you in the last 20 years?!" - because that really is the only sensible response on hearing that.
You can see why then, I was pretty pleased when the ex said he and new kid had to go before Crush was on. It was bad enough having to do that introduction with an old friend, can't imagine how excruciating it would've been having to do that with Crush.

Of Crush: the reality v. the fantasy

Ladies and Gentleman, I bring you, the latest Crush update! You're welcome, I know you've all been on the edge of your seats...

(or if you have no idea what I'm talking about, catch up here ....or just carry on, it's pretty self-explanatory)

So, Crush finally responded to my FB message (re the dates of his next gig - oh yes, it's all romance here) and asked if I was going to be at a festival he was playing at. Unfortunately, I had to say I was away (damn that booking-holidays-in-advance thing) but thought I'd chance my luck and see if he was going to the next Open Mic night.
No reply.
In fairness to him, I didn't really put it as a question, I just said something like: 'I'll be there, and if I don't see you there I'll see you at the gig'. In my head though, I then decided it would be a sign: 'If he turns up, he's interested, if he doesn't, he's not'. This was clearly bollocks, but my inner fourteen-year-old is alive and well and must be kept entertained.

So, last Thursday evening, there I was, at the pub, for the Open Mic, all prepped to play my designated three songs. These included the song I'd written about Crush, as I was confidently assuming that he wasn't interested and therefore wouldn't be there. This was a pretty safe assumption on other grounds too. After all, he had a gig the next night and a big festival at the weekend. (Not that I check his FB page/Twitter feed every day or anything.)

Happy in this assumption, I was gossiping away with my mates, and yes, you've guessed it, in he walked. I was so shocked I literally stopped speaking mid-sentence - I genuinely thought people only did that in films, but really, I did. My inner fourteen-year-old was going mental with excitement, while the more adult part of me attempted to restrain her.

The worst thing was that I couldn't actually say anything to my friends about why, because he was about two feet away from me - bloody small pubs! So, I made a lame attempt to cover myself and carry on the conversation. I waited until he had sat down, then disappeared to the loos to try to pull myself together.

I don't think he recognised me at first, but I do look quite like my FB picture (no, not the pegs, my RL FB - keep up!), and I was about to get up on stage. That being the case, I decided that he probably would recognise me eventually, and then it would be kind of weird if I hadn't said hello after the whole message thing.

I looked in the loo mirror and said to myself, "FFS ATOmum - it's just saying hello to a guy - how old are you??" Fourteen apparently.

Of broken computers and online relationships

I hate that Norton goes wrong. It happens very rarely - about once a year - but the momentary panic of thinking: 'Oh my God - a virus could get in and delete my life, and not just my online life, it could get all my passwords and take all my money and everything'. In my head, viruses (viri?) are all-powerful, telepathic things capable of bad magic, and so for me, if Norton isn't working for more than ten seconds, the complete destruction of my life is an entirely plausible scenario. This can make me prone to overreaction in such situations.
So at 8am, this fine Sunday morning, as DS2 was smelling quietly while lining up his cars on the sofa, you can only imagine the language he was exposed to as I logged on sleepily to start the online shop.
Fortunately, DS2's ears did not have to suffer for long, as I quickly remembered the reason that I pay for Norton rather than cheaper alternatives. Off I went to the Norton website and, having dutifully exhausted all their One Click Support suggestions, they connected me instantly to some lovely man in India to be my hero and make everything better again. (I'm assuming he's in India: his name is Biswajit and he's good at computers - so sue me). Biswajit has taken complete control of my computer and will fix it - as I write he is only half way through, but I have full faith in Biswajit - I must do, he pretty much only said 'hello' on live chat, and I said the equivalent of 'Yes, please, have full access to my computer, or life - as I sometimes call it'. I used to do this in real life relationships as a teenager - some habits are fun to revisit.

Valentine's Day Eve lament

It's Valentine's Day eve and it occurred to me, as I was watching DS2s custard catapult across the room in a perfect arc from his spoon, that it's almost three years since I've been on a date.
I don't know why this reminded me, I've had some bad dates in my time, but no one has yet thrown food - in fact that would definitely have improved some of the duller ones. In not unrelated news, it's also about 3 weeks since I shaved my legs and about two days since I had a shower - it's half term, I'm allowed. I like to think that I do this because I don't have dates, rather than I don't have dates because I do this - trust me, no one ever looks at my legs, and I promise I'll shower before I leave the house, or when the kids start complaining I smell.

As avid followers will know, I'm all for the upside of parenting alone, so it's not something I really give much thought to. I was discussing my plan for waiting until the kids grew up and meeting someone in my retirement home, with my counsellor. Well, I say counsellor, because technically she is, but practically she's just someone I go and verbally blog at once a month, who prompts, supports and questions occasionally. This month she questioned. She was saying that eighteen years was a long time to go without an adult intimate relationship, and there are things - apart from the obvious - that I would get from that that you can't get from other relationships. She talked about finding parts of yourself in other people - no sniggering at the back there. Cheap innuendo aside, I do know what she means, but I do wonder whether I'm allowed to say, 'Do you know what? I think I've found enough of myself already - and it was incredibly tiring doing that, can I just leave the rest of myself undiscovered?'

The upside of parenting alone

"This is what I think I would struggle with most in a relationship: if my children are being unreasonable, I can send them to their rooms. I've heard you can't do that with husbands .... I'm not sure how I'd cope."



I heard myself say to an old friend yesterday:

"I really admire people who have children in relationships"

and I realised I meant it. It's strange to think that I now genuinely believe that, in all but the very best of relationships, having kids with someone is probably harder than having them on your own.

The first and most obvious reason its easier, is that you can be pretty certain, your kids won't ever have to cope with their parents splitting up - because there is only one of them. One of the greatest joys for me of being DS2's only parent is that I know he'll never have to do the to-ing and fro-ing and emotional processing that DS1 has had to do - and that I have seen cause him so much pain. I hate the fact that DS1 has to not be with his mum in order to be with his dad, but when you have two parents who don't live together that's the reality.