Of parenting fails, facebook friends and the absence of sex

So, you know when you have a post that no one seems really interested in but you kind of need to carry on on the same theme for your own sanity? That'll be what this is then.

The last couple of days have been a bit of a daze. In fact most of the time since last Thursday have been a bit of a daze - I've just noticed it more the last two as I've had to get DS1 up and out for school. They have been a daze because of my aforementioned obsession with Crush 2.0  - and I don't use the word obsession lightly - I have been thinking about him ALL the time. And sometimes Crush the 1st too, but more of that later.

As a result these have been my epic parenting fails:

1. Two days packed lunches unmade, had to send in money for school dinners
2. One day DS1 wearing damp jumper to school as didn't get the washing on
3. One day DS2 going to childminders without his bag
4. Several days of eating utter shite for tea
5. One day of totally failing to prep for important work meetings
6. Much yelling at small children because of running late and them not appreciating the urgency that I was entirely responsible for creating.
7. Today, being so late (because of failure to prep) that had to drop DS1 at school gate with not quite enough money for lunch.

It was number 7 there that really pulled me up. I always see him into class, I've never left him at the gate - his little worried face as I drove away was enough to break anyone's heart. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It was probably, though, the kick in the face I needed to at least make some sort of attempt to snap out of this dreamworld.

That was the point I had to stop and ask myself this question: "Why the hell am I failing to function properly just because of some bloke?" It is fucking ridiculous when you stop and think about it, because I've barely had a conversation with him, let alone anything else. Here is my attempt to answer that:

Of Solo Mums on Father's Day

Father's Day is always going to be an unusual day for my family. It's a day when my family are unlikely to ever be all together. DS1 will be with his dad and DS2 will be with me. This year though, I decided that DS2 and I were going to celebrate it. After much thought, discussion - even a bit of agonising - I've decided that Mummy is short for MummyDaddy and so we should enjoy Father's Day along with all the other kids and dads.

You see, I want DS2 to have a notion of 'Daddy' as someone who loves and cares for you, who plays with you, who is there for you. I can put all the male role models in his path I like, which might give him a sense of how to be a man - but it's not going to give him the sense of the kind of dad I'd like him to be to his kids. At the moment his only notion of dad is the man who comes to take his brother away every couple of weeks, and I can't let him think that that's all it is. So today MummyDaddy is officially born.

Personal and political colliding again...

So how long did that little dream of a genuine change in the ex's attitude last? Approximately 48 hours before the text indicating he hadn't really listened at all. Shame, I had really got my hopes up, as much as I tried not to. Oh well, another dream bites the dust - and another blog arrives that will be a bit ranty and political. I will get back to the funny stuff eventually I promise... just need to get this out of my system...

 It's not that there's not a change in the ex's attitude at all, it's just, the best analogy I can think of is this: before it was like telling someone you're starving and them acting polite but incredulous about it while you slowly fade away, and now, the response is more like: 'Oh that's really bad, how terrible for you, I'll do anything I can to help.... except give you food, or the means to get any'. I'm not actually sure which is worse.

It seems there are just some lines in the sand that he has drawn - like DS1 not being allowed to have his phone at night (in case he phones me, which would apparently be terrible), or that there has to be two night stays every fortnight come hell or high water. So even if these things are killing DS1, even if relaxing on them would make DS1 feel heard by his dad and so improve their relationship, even if world peace would break out if he agreed to be flexible, these are things he's just not going to shift on. It feels like someone somewhere has drilled these and other things into him like mantras, so that he thinks nothing is worse for a child than these things not being adhered to, regardless of the child's needs, feelings, circumstances. Must find that person and shake their hand.... or something substantially more violent.

It's strange for me how, at the moment, the personal and the political are so intermingled. The governments proposed changes to the law after deciding to ignore the recommendations of the Family Justice Review have scared the crap out of me in this context. Basically, the emotional strain all of this puts on DS1 - and me - would just be laughed at in court - so dealing with the ex the way I do is my only option now, and will be even more so with a change in the law.

The changing face of the ex?

Sorry for the silence again - it was DS1's birthday on Monday so most of last week was taken up planning presents and parties, in between trying to get some work done - doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging!

I can't believe DS1 is now 6. I keep saying 'Where did those 6 years go?', but I know exactly where they went, the first three were spent dealing with the ex's harassment and coping with being a new mum, and the three since seem to have flown by with only slightly milder versions of the above.

I had a meeting with DS1's dad today. It was stranger than usual. I always dread these meetings, I get tense leading up to them because I know I can't just be myself. There is a way that I've learnt to behave with him that works, i.e. it gets me the best deal I can for DS1 - it's not how I naturally am, but it has become so automatic now that it almost feels natural - like a suit I put on.

The main thing we were trying to find a solution to today was DS1's switching behaviour so radically between the two of us. So essentially, as I was sat there being something other than myself in order to be able to engage with his dad, we were discussing the problem of DS1 doing exactly the same. The Irony.

All about Daddy?

How did two weeks go by without finding time for a blog?! Still, I'm here now. I think maybe I have been avoiding it as this has been on my mind for a while - you know when you feel you have to write something for you own sanity, but you know its going to be contentious and you're too tired for the backlash? I've been lurking on the lone parent threads on Mumsnet and Netmums and posting comments instead, but now I am going to put my cowardice and my need for my posts to have at least an element of humour aside...

So here it is, all about fathers. I feel like the instant, as a single mum I mention the word 'father', its like people are waiting with bated breath to pounce if I say anything that isn't completely positive. Why? Why is it that as soon as a man with whom you have children leaves you, you have to treat him like a saint? Who decided that was a good idea? These men often go out of their way to make lives difficult for their ex's and yet because they are the father of our children we seem expected to put them on some sort of pedestal, and worse, deny our children's negative feelings about them. How does this help anyone?

You see, people blithely comment in forums and in life again and again - 'We all know its important for a child to have a relationship with both parents'. That's what most people seem to think, society has accepted it as a truth, because almost everyone feels it. We want to believe that men and women are equal, therefore we extrapolate that mums and dads must be equal. On top of that we all have our own strongly held feelings about our relationships with our own parents, which are so deep embedded from childhood they feel like self-evident truths, rather than just our own experience. They are in the 'back brain' (sorry, can't remember the technical term) which structures how we think, rather than just something that hangs in that structure, so it is very difficult to re-conceive those ideas (without a lot of therapy!). But, if you can, I want to ask you to just put those ideas on hold while you read the rest of this post, please just hear me out...

The upside of parenting alone

"This is what I think I would struggle with most in a relationship: if my children are being unreasonable, I can send them to their rooms. I've heard you can't do that with husbands .... I'm not sure how I'd cope."



I heard myself say to an old friend yesterday:

"I really admire people who have children in relationships"

and I realised I meant it. It's strange to think that I now genuinely believe that, in all but the very best of relationships, having kids with someone is probably harder than having them on your own.

The first and most obvious reason its easier, is that you can be pretty certain, your kids won't ever have to cope with their parents splitting up - because there is only one of them. One of the greatest joys for me of being DS2's only parent is that I know he'll never have to do the to-ing and fro-ing and emotional processing that DS1 has had to do - and that I have seen cause him so much pain. I hate the fact that DS1 has to not be with his mum in order to be with his dad, but when you have two parents who don't live together that's the reality.

The end of half term, tantrums and good manners

It was a crazy half term really, even without the illness to start it off. I tried to give DS1 some extra one-to-one time with me - we had a day out with a show and lunch, and we went to a film with a lovely woodland workshop afterwards. This was all very lovely, but in between we had his usual letting rip - with added angst as it had been 3 nights at his dad's because of half term, and because all the activities meant he wasn't getting much downtime. Ah, will the joy of motherhood never stop?! DS2 just got his head down and played with his vehicles as usual - I am very lucky to have such a convenient toddler - he seems to know when its not his turn to yell, although he happily makes his mark when it is, god love him.

Half term, sickness and no mummy time!

Yep, half term is upon us and the house is a tip and no time for my usual lengthy rambles - or cleaning for that matter. Oh well...
Started half term with a bang - if any of you were wondering if its fun to be at home alone throwing up every few hours while in sole care of a one year old, I can inform you that I have thoroughly tested it, and its not. Must've eaten something dodgy at the buffet at work on Sunday, so had the joyous task of having to get the car off the dual carriageway to be sick on the way back.  However, that paled into insignificance compared to trying to manage DS2 alone when I got back.