Nothing and everything

So, I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger on the Crush 2.0 front didn't I? And I wish I had a fitting finale... but I kind of don't.. sorry!

I did carry out my plan, and suggest to the man, that after a second night sleeping in my bed, arms wrapped around me, that perhaps, before we got up, he should at least kiss me. (I didn't ask him the night before, apparently I opted for having a drunken rant about something and then passing out on him - attractive huh?) He laughed, and I didn't say anything.
He joked that I was being pushy again (hardly pushy really given the situation eh?), and that I was "messing with his karma" - which I think is closer to the real reason. Then he gave me a peck on the cheek, and I grabbed him and said "that's not a proper kiss" and he gave me a quick peck on the lips and said "That's all you're getting!"... and off he went downstairs. And still, thinking about it now, I didn't get the sense that he meant 'ever'.... but who knows?

Anyway, I got up, joined him, and we spent what was left of the afternoon chatting, sorting out his business stuff, just as relaxed with each other as we always are, and then I went to pick up the kids. When I got back he was there in the kitchen, cooking tea for all of us. Which was, of course, lovely. The kids love having him around.. and so do I.

What happened after that? Well, before he left, he talked about coming back to stay a couple of days later - he had to be in our town the following day for an appointment so it kind of made sense. In the end he didn't - he had to get back for his dog that was staying with him as his ex was away for the week - but the fact that he planned to come back, and the fact that when I asked him if he was, he gave me a straight answer, those things are kind of new.

Since then, we've been much closer - he's hardly being evasive at all when I speak to him!!  When I saw him at the next Open Mic night we arranged him bringing the music equipment for my birthday party and he said: "I'm probably going to be really drunk, I'm staying at yours that night, right?", and planning that in advance is definitely new! As it turns out, he's not, as he now has to work the next day, and his friend needed a lift. The point is though, that these are now the kind of conversations we can have, and every time I see him, he's always talking about the next time he's going to see me. Okay, there's always some other reason than just wanting to spend time with me - business stuff, or recording tracks for me - but maybe that's how he needs it to be right now...for whatever reason.

So I guess, technically we're still 'just friends', and there is some reason that he's not ready to make it more physical.. yet.. and I'm still not 100% certain what that is - because it genuinely doesn't feel like he doesn't fancy me at all. The important thing for me as that it feels different, it feels like we've moved on.

And then on Sunday after the Open Mic, when everyone had gone, he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye, and he said - for the first time - not just "Goodbye", but "Lots of love"

What it feels like, for want of a better way of putting it, is that we're on a journey, and we do seem to be moving closer together, and while I still have no real clue where this particular ride is going to take me, I am enjoying it. I get to spend a whole load of time with a gorgeous, fascinating, clever, talented guy who cares about me, makes me laugh, respects me, supports and encourages me, loves it when I talk passionately about the things I care about, gets on great with my kids, and cooks amazingly! That can't be such a bad thing can it?

Love you too Crush 2.0

Of saying goodbye to summer...

There's a real back-to-school feeling in this house. Not just for DS1, who is whinging about next week already, but for me too. It has been an amazing summer. It has been the summer of Crush 2.0 absolutely, but it's been so much more than that - some sparked by him, some just me...


It's been the summer when I had male friends again, when a world that had been completely full of mums and children for so long suddenly opened up.
It's been a time when I've had fun, real fun, for the first time in a very very long time.
It's been a time when I've remembered I'm an artist, and that that used to mean something to me, and maybe it's starting to again
It's been a time when I've realised that maybe the me that I was with DS1's dad was not as completely stupid and naive as I'd come to think she was. That maybe I didn't need to throw out the baby with the bath water.
It's been a time when I've been intellectually challenged again, by the books Crush 2.0 has introduced me to.
It's been a time when I've been creative and I've written song after song after song.
It's been a time when I've let go completely of the notion of tidying and cleaning and just enjoyed my time with my kids.
It's been a time when I've let go of thinking 'I must do xxx for the kids sake' and just done stuff for me.
It's been a time when I've developed new business contacts.
It's been a time when I've deepened friendships with mum friends that were previously just another face in the playground.
It's been a time when I've let go of the dream of having another child.