Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Of parenting fails, facebook friends and the absence of sex
The last couple of days have been a bit of a daze. In fact most of the time since last Thursday have been a bit of a daze - I've just noticed it more the last two as I've had to get DS1 up and out for school. They have been a daze because of my aforementioned obsession with Crush 2.0 - and I don't use the word obsession lightly - I have been thinking about him ALL the time. And sometimes Crush the 1st too, but more of that later.
As a result these have been my epic parenting fails:
1. Two days packed lunches unmade, had to send in money for school dinners
2. One day DS1 wearing damp jumper to school as didn't get the washing on
3. One day DS2 going to childminders without his bag
4. Several days of eating utter shite for tea
5. One day of totally failing to prep for important work meetings
6. Much yelling at small children because of running late and them not appreciating the urgency that I was entirely responsible for creating.
7. Today, being so late (because of failure to prep) that had to drop DS1 at school gate with not quite enough money for lunch.
It was number 7 there that really pulled me up. I always see him into class, I've never left him at the gate - his little worried face as I drove away was enough to break anyone's heart. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It was probably, though, the kick in the face I needed to at least make some sort of attempt to snap out of this dreamworld.
That was the point I had to stop and ask myself this question: "Why the hell am I failing to function properly just because of some bloke?" It is fucking ridiculous when you stop and think about it, because I've barely had a conversation with him, let alone anything else. Here is my attempt to answer that:
It's been nearly a week since the obsession started, and I think maybe I would've settled down a bit by now, but being FB friends with him hasn't helped. It hasn't helped because I then decided, once he'd accepted my friend request, that I'd see if Crush the First would too - which he did.
Here's what I now know about them both:
1. Turns out they're quite good friends (oh great!)
2. Crush 2.0 has the same penchant as me for the overuse of exclamation marks, but he really does take it too far.
3. Crush 2.0 shares hardly any information about himself on FB or anywhere else on the internet for that matter. Which seems quite odd for a musician.
4. He seems to be quite juvenile in his FB conversations - but there's only a couple of them so difficult to tell - and maybe we're all a bit juvenile sometimes
5. Crush the First has a kid old enough to have a FB page - that one seriously shocked me - and speedily revised my estimate of his age way upwards.
6. Crush the First is single
7. On his birthday, over 100 people sent Crush the First birthday wishes on his wall, and he went to tea with his mum - I find the combination of these two facts weird, but maybe that's just me.
Essentially, my FB research is suggesting this:
Crush 2.0 dark, moody, bad boy
Crush the First open, friendly, nice guy
Also, both of them seem to be like birds with a broken wing - like someone or something in the past hurt them and they're not sure they want to let anything/anyone else in. Maybe I'm projecting but it does seem like they're both a bit guarded, although in different ways.
So as you can see, my obsession moved from being just about Crush 2.0 to comparing the two of them, and which one I wanted to sleep with and which one I wanted to go out with. You've read the summaries, I'm giving no prizes for guessing which is which.
Which brings me back to my question, why the obsession? Why not just vaguely fancy someone and see what happens? And why put them on a pedestal the way I do? The chances are Crush the First would've been my FB friend months ago if I'd just asked, but I felt like I didn't want to intrude, which is weird because it's FB and he has about 600 friends on their - it's not like he can actually know them all is it?
This is the conclusion I have come to: To put it bluntly, I need to get laid. It has been more years than I care to remember since I've had sex and I think it's messing with my mind. It's the only reason that makes sense of the fact that when I find someone attractive it seems to take over my whole life. I'm not someone who really wants a relationship - at least I don't think I do. I know for absolute certain that I don't want a new dad for my kids. I suppose though, I would like somebody for me - even if it is just a friend with benefits.
I sometimes wish it was all as simple as it was in my twenties. Go to a party of some description, snog someone, see what happens. Pretty much all of my relationships started that way. But you can't behave like that when you're a mum - and no one invites me to parties anyway (otherwise, to be honest, a couple of drinks and I probably would still behave like that!)
I did try a bit of internet dating when DS1 was about 2 or 3 - but it was such a hassle - loads of people to sift to before finding someone you actually wanted to contact, endless e-mail exchanges before you finally deigned to meet, and then enduring all manner of dull, dull, dull dates before finding maybe one guy I'd like. After all that effort, over all those months I only ended up with two guys that I was with for more than one date.
One guy lasted about a month - he seemed as into me as I was him, but suddenly went off on a business trip and called it off when he got back. He said he'd thought about things and 'wasn't ready' to get so involved only a year after breaking up with his wife. He said he'd keep in touch but I knew he wouldn't.
Another guy lasted a bit longer and was really keen to get serious, but he only ever had one evening free a week, so I felt like I couldn't spend enough time with him to decide if I wanted to take it further - if that makes sense? Anyway, I ended it - I liked him, but I was less into it than he was if truth be told.
Apart from a very brief fling with an old boyfriend from way back, that is the sum total of my romantic adventures since DS1 was born. And since the old boyfriend was the only one of those I slept with, it means I haven't had sex with anyone new since DS1's dad, over 10 years ago. So as much as I would love to have sex again at some point, the longer I leave it the more it scares the bejeesus out of me.
This, probably, explains the obsession. It's pretty rare for me to find someone attractive at all, let alone enough to want to sleep with them. (I may want to sleep with Crush 2.0 more, but it's not like I'd turn Crush the First down!) With these guys, I guess I feel at some level that I have to know everything about them, just in case I do get to sleep with them. Because the first time I have sex with someone again after all this time feels like a really big deal, and I don't want to share it with someone who I don't feel safe with.
So, I suppose I wrote this post to try to find out what was going on in my head, and why, despite being usually a fairly rational human being, I was totally losing the plot over this - and being a rubbish mum into the bargain. Funny how it all comes down to sex in the end isn't it? If you'd have told me in my twenties I would go years without sex I would've laughed at you, I'd have thought it wasn't either possible or necessary. I don't think sex is any less important to me now than it was then, it's just not available, and I do miss it. And because it's important it has to be right - so maybe checking somebody out before I take things any further is not a bad thing - it's just doing so obsessively might not be helpful in continuing to function in the rest of my life!
Thank you for reading my ramblings on this - if you have this far! I'd love to know your take on it - and any advice you have for me - god knows I need it!