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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Sex, love or self-preservation?

Well its been an interesting weekend....

On Saturday afternoon, I was highly pissed off with Crush 2.0. I'd had enough with the 'air of mystery', with his inability to give a straight answer to a straight question, with the aversion to committing to anything more than his next breath. I was done.

By 5am Sunday morning I was lying in my bed, snuggled into him, his arms wrapped around me.  But still no kissing, still nothing else.

This is what happened:

I'd asked Crush 2.0 on FB to give me a lift to our mates gig that we were both going to on Saturday night. He'd posted a smiley face in reply. I'd said 'I'm taking that as a yes, you know'. I'd mentioned it again, he'd been equally non-committal, I'd told him again I was taking it as a yes, because I figured then he'd at least have to tell me if it was a no. Apparently not though.
Chatted to him on FB on the afternoon of the gig and asked him again, he said:
'I've been arranged a taxi'.
No apology, no explanation.  So I said:
'and the taxi couldn't swing by here?' He said
'Its for the way back, pushy!'
and I wanted to say "So how are you getting there, fucking teleport??' but I didn't I said:
'Since when has asking one question been pushy?'
and there followed some banter, which my heart wasn't really in, and I think he knew it.. he knew I was pissed off with him and it was like he was trying to jolly me out of it. I said goodbye went off to make the kids tea.

Let me put this in context: To get from his house to the gig he would be driving within a couple of hundred yards of my front door, so however he was getting there, there was no obvious reason not to pick me up. It seemed to me that in that situation, the least you could do for a friend, for someone you actually gave a shit about was give them a quick explanation.

And that was why at 4.30pm I was sat in my kitchen, crying, and thinking 'I'm done, this is the last tear I shed for you'.

I drove myself to the gig, met my friends there, told them what had happened, determined I was going to have a good night despite how I was feeling... there was dancing to be done even if I couldn't drown my sorrows, because now I'd had to drive.

He turned up about half an hour later, with a couple who are our mutual friends.. the ones I'd first told that I liked him back in the summer. So there was the reason I guess... he hero worships the guy - he's a much younger, really talented singer-songwriter and this hero worship isn't immediately obvious to everyone but I see it. Crush 2.0 gets all full of male bravado around him.. and I guess he didn't need 'that girl that fancies you' cramping his style with him. Either that or his girlfriend's car they drove in in was too small - which it is. Either way, just telling me wouldn't have killed him would it?

They didn't notice us as they went past and I didn't bother going over to say hello to begin with... just waved back when the couple waved at us. Eventually I decided not to be petty and go and say hi.. Crush 2.0 acknowledged me but that was it.. so I chatted to the couple a bit, and tried not to be hurt when he said he was going to the bar and asked them what they wanted to drink and didn't ask me. Understandably, I didn't have much to do with him for the rest of the night... I danced with my friends and just tried to forget all about it, and even succeeded for bits of the evening.

When the band was finished I got a drink for our friend that had played and chatted to him for a bit, he is lovely. More than once I've wished I met him first - straightforward, open, talented, clever.. but I didn't and I don't think I would've fallen for him the way I did Crush 2.0 anyway. Shame.

Crush 2.0 was around too, and eventually we had a quick chat, and I softened a bit towards him. I was still done with him, in my head, but I didn't want our friendship to end. 'See you Monday' he said as I was leaving. So he was still coming for our planned business chat.. and I thought, 'I can handle that, that's okay'. And then I went, drove home, paid the babysitter, checked into FB and started to wind down for bed.

Then the phone rang.  It was him:

"You fancy a drink?"
"Errr... yeah?"
"ok, see you in 5"

... and sure enough 5 minutes later there was Crush 2.0 knocking on my door.

Turns out those mutual friends had gone off in said arranged taxi without him, he'd got a lift back to theirs and when he got there they were asleep. Hence calling me..

Part of me knows I should've said 'No, fuck off, I'm not being your back up plan'

But then, this is Crush 2.0... this is the man I've been obsessing about for the last three months.. phoning me... he has only ever phoned me once before and that was planned, this was new. And to be honest, when have I ever said no to him, from the first moment I met him?

He was pissed off, and he ranted about how rubbish people are for a while until he calmed down. Then we drank some gin, and then some wine, and then some more wine, and chatted and put the world to rights, and drank some whiskey. Then tired and drunk we nearly fell asleep on the floor, but decided somehow that it would be a good idea to go and sleep in my bed - can't really remember how that conversation went now, but I know he didn't want to sleep on the sofa.. I think the excuse was he didn't want DS2 waking him up like last time...

And that's how I came to spend what was left of the night sleeping wrapped in Crush 2.0s arms. Still no kissing, still nothing other than being held.. but it was very lovely nonetheless.

DS2 piled in only about an hour after we'd gone to bed, as that was normal getting up time, but fortunately DS1 came and took him to play downstairs. When I sat up to deal with them, Crush 2.0 stroked my arm and when I lay back down again when they'd gone he stroked my hair and snuggled in to me. We managed to sleep another hour or so before I had to deal with kids. I came downstairs checked FB, went back to him with reports that our mate had one of the girls from the open mic going round there to work on songs ... he joked about being jealous
'I've got the wrong redhead' he said
'I am here you know' I said...he stroked my arm again....
It still hurt though.. I know he was sort of joking, but only sort of... like he was letting me know that even though we've spent the night together, its still not doesn't really mean anything.

He had one hell of a hangover.. .unusual for him, but that much mixing of drinks had taken its toll. I let him sleep it off and got on with washing, cleaning, kids stuff, discussing the situation on Twitter with the lovely Susan Taylor and Amymouse  - what would I do without you ladies?

Eventually he got up and we did more chatting and he hung out with DS2 in the garden a bit. I made tea for the kids and he decided to stay and it was lovely, as it always is when he's here.
It just kind of works when he's here, its easy, I'm happy, the kids are happy.. and Crush 2.0's happy. He seems to relax, be himself... he talks to me in a way he doesn't when we're not here.. he lets me in.. not completely, but more.

So here's my dilemma

He is, obviously, taking me for granted, I can't sugar-coat that: He knows he can phone up at a stupid hour in the morning and I'll be there, he knows he can still talk about other women even when he's in bed with me and I'll barely bat an eyelid, he knows he can sleep off hangovers and I'll look after him and feed him paracetemol and cook for him. He knows I don't demand anything of him and he likes it that way.
The problem with that is that it feels unlikely that he's ever going to feel as much for me as I do for him while he doesn't have to make an effort. Not impossible, as it does seem the usual rules don't apply to Crush 2.0, but unlikely.

So I could play aloof, or do something to make him realise what he's got in me and try to get him to appreciate it. The problem with that is it could backfire... it could make no difference at all and all I'll have done is not spend time with him.. which, at the end of the day, is always really enjoyable. And I know if it made no difference then that would probably mean he really wasn't interested and therefore I should just give up, but it still feels like a hard thing to do.

The other thing is... I really want to sleep with him. As I've blogged about before, its sooooo long since I've had sex and I've got to the point where I really need it. And it feels like, having spent the night together now in the way we have this isn't completely out of the question. And he's coming here tonight.

Hence the question of the title: Sex, love or self-preservation?

If I do make a move on him, and he responds, the chances are that even if we sleep together, I'll still be no closer to knowing where I stand, whether its a one off or something more.. and its certainly not going to help with him not taking me for granted. But on the positive side.. I'll have got laid!!!

If I play it cool then maybe he'll see what he's missing and start making more of an effort.. but on the flip side maybe he won't, and then I'll just miss him.

And if I walk away, then maybe I'll be able to limit the amount of hurt that this whole thing is inevitably going to cause.. but then I'll have all of the hurt and none of the fun beforehand.

Of course, there is a very small part of me holding out for the possibility that I could have it all.. that if we sleep together then he'll suddenly realise how he feels about me and open up, and everything will be wonderful... but I try to keep that kind of rampant idealism at bay!!

You know what though? Just reading this post back I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask him to kiss me, tonight, and see what happens.  Crush 2.0 is guarded, beautiful, clever, vulnerable, sexy, talented, infuriating and bordering on the alcoholic... and because of and despite of all of that I want him. If asking him to kiss me is enough to send him running for the hills, then I am done, because I need more of a man than that. And the thing is, if I never actually make that move, risk that rejection, I may never know, because for whatever reason, it doesn't seem a risk he's likely to take... someone's got to make the first move, and it seems like its going to be me.

So that's it, I may not be done with Crush 2.0, but I am done with waiting.

Wish me luck, people, I'm going in....


  1. Have only just got round to reading this in full. Good luck xx