Of letting go

So here's a major part of my life I haven't blogged about...

When I was with DS1s dad, we always talked about having 3 or 4 kids. Well, I say we talked, in retrospect I think I talked and he begrudgingly went along with is probably more accurate. Then when I was planning trying for DS2, even then I was thinking that if it went well and I coped ok then I'd like to try for another. I've talked about it openly with loads of people since DS2 was born - the number of times I've said 'I think I could manage one more on my own' in conversation - with anyone really, not even just close friends. I think, being one of five, two children just felt like such a small family. I wanted my family to be like a 'proper' family, and less than three kids didn't feel like that. Particularly being on my own - it just felt there were not enough people in our home. This has been my mind set for pretty much as long as I can remember.

It's not just been a thought either - the night after the open mic where Crush 2.0 and I had our first proper conversation I was sat in a consulting room at the clinic where I had DS2 discussing the start of my treatment. It was surreal. Made more so, by an ice cream van intermittently playing it's tune through the open window.  My consultant is lovely,
"So another one eh?" he said,
"Just one more" I said,
"Addicted!" he laughed.
He went through all the questions they have to ask:
"Any sexual partners?"
"No" I said out loud.
"Not yet" I said in my head.
"And not any since last time we saw you?"
For some reason that threw me, I had to think - I don't know why, I knew the answer - but I still sounded surprised at myself when I said "No".

I'd had some blood tests at my GPs prior to the appointment and had been slightly freaked out by my progesterone being 'borderline'. I know I probably shouldn't have been, I'm not getting any younger, but having never had any trouble at all getting pregnant I sort of assumed I'd be fine despite my age. My GP had assured me it was nothing to worry about and my consultant didn't pay it much attention and arranged another more accurate test for me. When I had this test before trying for DS2 it had showed I had the ovaries of someone four years younger - get in!! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers for the same result or better again. I find out in a couple of weeks.

Originally, I had planned to start my treatment at the end of October - work might be a bit quieter then and what was the point in waiting, I thought.

Then I was thinking maybe January - no work then at all and it gave me a bit more time - so long as the results of the test were okay then no harm waiting until then.

Then I met Crush 2.0.

Of Solo Mums on Father's Day

Father's Day is always going to be an unusual day for my family. It's a day when my family are unlikely to ever be all together. DS1 will be with his dad and DS2 will be with me. This year though, I decided that DS2 and I were going to celebrate it. After much thought, discussion - even a bit of agonising - I've decided that Mummy is short for MummyDaddy and so we should enjoy Father's Day along with all the other kids and dads.

You see, I want DS2 to have a notion of 'Daddy' as someone who loves and cares for you, who plays with you, who is there for you. I can put all the male role models in his path I like, which might give him a sense of how to be a man - but it's not going to give him the sense of the kind of dad I'd like him to be to his kids. At the moment his only notion of dad is the man who comes to take his brother away every couple of weeks, and I can't let him think that that's all it is. So today MummyDaddy is officially born.

Of confidence and minding your language

DS2 is amazing. I always think it would be great to be him. He has none of DS1's angst at all, and just seems to be genuinely happy most of the time. Yesterday, at DS1's swimming lesson we were in the waiting room and he saw that the people at the next table had oranges - his current favourite fruit. Without any thought he just walked over there and said "Orange?" I was muttering my apologies and telling DS2 they weren't his oranges etc, when the dad said, 'We've got a spare if he wants it' - and before I knew it DS2 had climbed up on to the chair next to him - waiting to be served! - and then struck up a conversation with him about the other food on the table. God I wish I could do that! I'd just love to be that easy with people. DS1 and I are in knots just opening our mouths to someone that we don't know - I hide it significantly better, but the feeling is the same. Obviously it helps that DS2 is very cute and not yet two years old, but even so, with a far slimmer grasp of the English language than his brother or I, he seems to communicate with much greater ease.

Having said that, his language is just growing exponentially at the moment, in the way toddlers' language does around about this age. I'd forgotten how great it is to listen to and I love his experimenting with phrases. Like at the moment, his favourite thing to do is put "Err... " on the start of everything, in such a grown up way. It sounds as if he's about to say to a waiter "Err... I don't think I ordered the veal". This led to a classic yesterday.  DS1 and I were chatting in the kitchen, and DS2, who had been playing in the living room, popped his head round the door and said "Err... I stinky". We did giggle - although me not so much, as I had to change him.

Alternative Transport

DS2 has a book he reads in the bath about a teddy who has three bath toys - duck, whale and turtle. DS1 was very proud last night because, in addition to DS2's usual 'duck', he taught him to say 'turtle' and then 'whale'. However, he was less than impressed when DS2 having said 'whale' a few times, obviously searched through the database in his head - which almost entirely consists of songs - to find where he had heard this word before. Having clearly located it, he very confidently started singing the well known tune:

 'The Whales on the Bus, go round and round, round and round, round and round'.

Altogether now....

The High Street showdown

Wednesday has become blog day it seems - DS2 is now so active all the time (and not doing anything helpful like actually napping for any significant amount of time during the day) that trying to do it when he's here is completely impossible.

So what news? Well, unsurprisingly as Saturday was the first full day the three of us had had at home together for about a month, DS1 decided to spend it yelling about anything he could think of. I was not prepared this time - I think I thought he'd got it all out of his system already, foolish woman that I am, so it took a bit of adjusting, but I did my best to rise to the parenting challenge under extreme provocation.

His opening yell of the day was pretty epic by all accounts, and I'm sure our small town's high street appreciated it at 8.30 in the morning. You see, it was the last day of the free Lego, so despite the fact that it meant getting up early on a Saturday and dragging a coughing and sneezing DS2 with us, I valiantly got them both in the car and headed down to WHSmith. (I will keep trying to do nice things for him and I probably really should stop as it never ends well.) I parked where we could see the shop about 20 yards away, and asked DS1 if he was alright to stay in the car with DS2, as didn't want to get him out in the cold again when I would only be a couple of minutes. DS1 said that was fine. Went into the shop, they hadn't got the free toys out yet so had to get them from upstairs, which took an extra couple of minutes, so total time in the shop 4 minutes tops. As I opened the door of the shop to leave I heard "I NEED SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER ME!!!!" being screamed full blast from my car, echoing down the high street towards me, for the delight and delectation of passers by. He must have scared the life out of the man at the cash machine just next to the car - who had a look on his face as if to say 'Who? Me?' - at this stage I don't think DS1 was particularly fussy.

Gran, tantrums and more spiders

The spiders are multiplying, there's now one that lives on the wall above the tv and one that runs across the floor. I tried to frighten off the floor one last night by stamping my foot on the floor, but the idiotic thing just ran towards me and hid under the sofa I was sitting on. Not only are they annoying, they are clearly thick as well. Would it be too much to ask for some intelligent arachnid company? We could share a glass of wine and discuss social realism in the mini-beast world... I need to get out more.

For those of you following the saga of the post-dad-weekend yelling matches with DS1 - and at the time of writing that's probably none, but welcome any future readers who have decided to read the blog from the beginning, I commend your thoroughness - the 'being less hopeful' seems to be working. For me, that is, DS1 is still doing the yelling for a variety of proxy reasons - I'm just not getting angry in return because I'm just expecting it to happen.This is so far working well - who knew giving up hope could improve your life so dramatically? - but it is only Wednesday, so we're not out of the woods yet.

Here is a list of the things DS1 chooses to yell about:

Of speech, circles, musical theatre and an unfeasibly large spider

DS2 weekend this weekend, DS1 at his Dad's. It's been a busy one - he is becoming more wilful by the second! Currently he is sleeping and has a big graze on his nose and forehead from falling out of the back door onto the concrete - that'll teach me to try and get some gardening done. I've finally got rid of the cherry tomato plants that he stands by going 'uh, uh' and pointing at every time he's in the garden. I think he's eaten 90% of those tomatoes - DS1 and I did not get a look in.

He's chosen this weekend to start using words. He opened on Saturday morning with 'emur' for the cuddly lemur in my bed (my lemur note, not the kids - sometimes a girl just needs a cuddly lemur). He then decided to say 'big dog there' to a big dog going down the road, and ended the day with the classic baby utterance 'nana' - for banana, of course. Getting dressed after bath time he added 'next foot there' - which is what I always say to him to put his other foot in his pyjama bottoms. So clearly, he can speak, which is good as I was getting a bit concerned. I went to a friend's on Friday, whose little boy, the same age, has a definite vocabulary of recognisable words he uses appropriately - where as up until this point DS1 would only utter 'bruvva' at his brother, other children and, with a slightly different inflection, at trees blowing in the wind - I have interpreted this as 'flower' but to be honest the difference is imperceptible to the non-mum ear. I can only assume that DS2 picked up on my concern and chose yesterday to tell me that he could use these things I called words, he just preferred to express himself through the medium of song and expressive dance - which he does all the time. I have created a musical theatre baby - somewhat unexpected, but who knows, he could go far...

The Godfamily, school friends, snot and paranoia

Sneaking in a quick blog while the baby sleeps - we all have colds at the moment, so it's a welcome respite from being covered in snot snail trails - ah the joy of DS1 being back at school and bringing home every bug, virus and general nasty going!

We finished off the weekend with a lovely day out with DS2's god family (Godmum, Goddad, plus their daughter and Goddad's mum - who we've decided to call Godsister and Godgran to make life easier!) It's fab going out with them - since DS2 doesn't have a 'dad's side' to his family, these are like the joy of in-laws without the hassle of them - I am doubly blessed!! Plus DS1 and Godsister get on really well - which is how we know them in the first place. Went to a country-fair type thing and saw kites dancing to music, went on carousels and bouncy castles, got a cuddly dinosaur for 50p and had DS1 and DS2's name carved on a name plate for their bedroom door.

Of course, all this joyousness made for a very tired and shouty Monday morning back to school - particularly with the colds kicking in. I guess that's the payback for having a busy weekend - would be lovely if there wasn't one but there always is - and I resent it less when its been my weekend than when I get the payback for the weekend DS1 had with his dad - all the pain from someone else's joy.

A disruption and a blues-playing baby acrobat

Well, so far, so calm. Things seem to have settled a bit with DS1, which is why it's a shame he had to go to his Dad's tonight, which will throw everything up in the air again. I never seem to get used to it, even though I know the routine so well: He goes to his Dad's for the weekend, he comes home whingy and complaining about everything (after the 1st couple of hours of niceness because he missed us) and this works itself up to a height by the time it gets to 'our' weekend, he gets it all out of his system and we have a couple of days of calm before he's off to his Dad's again, and the whole thing starts over. It is very tiring! School night overnights with his Dad are often worse, (even though its only 1 night, unlike the weekends), because it throws his routine out. Maybe this time it will be different though - his Dad forgot to pick up his stuff before he got him from school, so he got to come home and have a quick hug before he went, so I'm hoping that chance to touch base might help - its a vain hope, but I'm crossing everything...