Pass the wine I'm back...

 

So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:

'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'

So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Dreads and the return of sex

So... out with the 42 year old solitary guitarist completely incapable of communicating emotion and in with the 20 year old front man of a thrash metal rock band who just wants to get laid?... yeah, that'll work... maybe....

Would be great if it were that simple, wouldn't it? Anyway, rewind, let me introduce you to Dreads...

So Dreads, is said 20 year old.. with an amazing head of dreads down to his waist.. hence the pseudonym. I first met him back in September at the gig I had after the first night Crush 2.0 stayed over. The gig was actually a competition and we were the only two competitors that night. I really liked him when I met him - not fancied him, just knew he was 'our kind of person' - chatted about him with Crush 2.0 on FB when I got home that night and posted him the video of one of his songs... Crush 2.0 liked him too. I did invite him then to come along to an open mic, but I didn't manage to find him on FB, found his band, but turns out his stage name isn't his real name...  his real name is infinitely more mundane... think I might suggest he goes with Dreads!! He says when he first met me that night I seemed a bit innocent and a bit floaty... I did explain I'd been seriously hungover and had barely slept and was in a place of going 'WTF was that???' after spending my first 24 hrs with Crush 2.0. He thought that was very funny given his impression of my innocence. He also thought I was about 28... get in!!! Good to know that even hungover and half asleep I can still pull off looking 12 years younger than I am!!!

Getting back to the ordinary again...

Almost two weeks since I posted the goodbye letter. God it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I'm almost glad that life is getting back to normal after so many months of craziness. And sometimes I close the door after dropping the kids off and out comes such a primal scream that I gasp for air like I'm drowning

He's barely been on FB... it was our place and I guess he's avoiding it. Although, today I noticed he'd joined her to the closed fan page we co-administrate - which we'd had a conversation about a while back, I might've mentioned it. Anyway, she's sat on the 'requested to join' list for several weeks, and when we spoke he'd not been keen to join her - it's the page where we all play really, and he wasn't sure he wanted her involved. I'd told him it was up to him - I wasn't going to join her, as she was his ex and I wasn't going to get involved. So the fact that after all this time she's finally on there, I guess is as much confirmation as I'm going to get that they are back together.

But why? I don't get it. I guess maybe it's just as simple as he loves her, always has and probably always will. Maybe because of that and all their shared history it doesn't matter how badly she's behaved, he's just going to put up with it. And lets face it, the relationship he and I had isn't one that's remotely compatible with him having a girlfriend. Still, it was unkind of him to just cut me off the way he did - no warning, no explanation, and certainly no apology.

It's strange to realise how much of a connection we had, how much the little things counted. Pretty much every morning I would wake up and there would be something on FB - even if he'd just liked a post of mine. Now, nothing. For almost two weeks.

I ended up going to his Open Mic on Thursday. His best mate convinced me - lets call him C2BM eh? gotta love an acronym! We've been chatting a lot on FB recently, its really meant a lot to have someone who knows Crush 2.0 to be supportive of me - I sent him a copy of that last post (with pseudonyms change to protect the innocent of course) and it really meant a lot that he was kind and sympathetic, coming from someone that knows Crush 2.0 that means a lot - although he's also at a loss to understand why he's behaving the way he is. Anyway, it was C2BM's last Open Mic before Christmas so I said I'd go, and it was lovely to see all my friends and it felt like coming home - like seeing my family again. Some kind words from a friend earlier in the day had helped and I went with the attitude of just enjoying myself with my friends - and since I wasn't trying to notice Crush 2.0 or get any connection then it didn't hurt so much. It just hit me a bit the next day, realising that all we'd said was hello and goodbye, and the conversation necessary when you get up to play - apart from that he'd actively avoided being involved in any conversation that I was a part of. Just sad really.

It's shitty.. but if his ex is as unstable as she appears to be, then I guess that's the condition of them being back together. And if that's what he wants then that's what he's got to do.

It's just that as well as the sadness, life just seems a little dull without it.

And I know people mean well, but the 'oh don't worry someone better will come along' type comments drive me mental. I guess that's because it means that the person saying it doesn't understand me - and having just lost someone who really did, it hurts particularly to discover others.
I didn't fall for Crush 2.0 because I was looking for a man and he happened to fit the bill. I fell for him because of him, because of everything he is. I have been - and remain - happy with being single, but just because you're happy with the single life you choose to live doesn't mean you'll never fall in love. And having had that happen to you and it all ended like this, you're certainly not going to be looking to do it any time soon...Jesus, I wouldn't go through this last month again if you paid me!!

I mean, don't get me wrong, if the choice was between none of this crazy summer and autumn happening at all, and it happening and ending like this, I'd choose the latter every time. I've had a ball!!  I have some amazing friends - and if only for a short time I felt understood, cared about, appreciated by a gorgeous, talented, intelligent man. That was a good feeling.. even if it did drive me slightly crazy all the 'will he? won't he?' stuff... better to have loved and lost eh?

So for now, I'm in the place of being glad that it happened and sad that its over at the same time... and that changes each day... guess I've just got to keep on keeping on - as Crush 2.0 used to say...

So here's me keeping on...

• I'm keeping in contact with all the friends I made - and it hasn't affected my developing friendship with C2BM - thus far - which I hope will remain true, because he is a really lovely human being. 
•  I'm exploring other Open Mics - although the average age seems about 15 years younger than Crush 2.0s ones - not used to feeling like the old lady!!
• I'm trying to sort out my house because after the last three months it is just piles of unsorted stuff everywhere. Who knows, I may even clean... no laughing at the back there!!
• I'm trying to yell less at DS1 - although he does drive me completely crazy with his ignoring everything I say and generally being vacant - so some things haven't changed that much since I started this blog.
• I've even been known to sit down on the floor and play with DS2 in the last week, instead of just leaving him to his trains and tracks by himself
• I'm off on a mum's night out this week, and I'm seeing as much of my mum friends as I can
• I've agreed to go to C2BM's Christmas gig, which Crush 2.0 will be at, but I refuse to give up my friends because of him... it will be hard, but I will handle it, and it will get easier, slowly but surely...

So, tell me.. what are your top tips for getting over someone? And have you managed to keep mutual friends after a break up? All thoughts greatly appreciated!!

The Goodbye letter

Dear Crush 2.0

I have spent the last four months living and breathing you. You have been the inspiration for songs, and blog posts and endless tweets ... and even though you pretended not to know you were my muse, I'm sure you did. I didn't realise how used to having you in my heart every day I had got, until it ended so recently and so suddenly.

I guess I should've known really shouldn't I? That as soon as I got comfortable with how we were, and the way we seemed to be moving - and even wrote a post about it - then things would change. That is how life goes for me.  You'd think after 40 years I'd come to expect it, but I really didn't see it coming, not like this.

You turned up at my 40th birthday party in the foulest mood I've seen you in, and did little to hide it. You even sodded off for a couple of hours to go and get yourself something to eat elsewhere. You came across like the stereotypical prima donna musician. You were rude to my friends and family, you were offhand with your own friends and I genuinely wish you'd just said to me:
"Look ATOmum, I've got some stuff going on, really not in the mood for this, I'm going to go and I'll come back at the end for the amp and the mic, have a lovely time".
But you didn't. And so the friends and family that I had sung your praises to, who met you for the first time that night were left with the impression that at 40 years old I still didn't know the difference between a good man and an arsehole.
You hung around like a miserable git, didn't even want to give me a lift home even though there was no other way of getting me there, and then you sat there in my living room still miserable and offhand with me, and only slightly less so with our friends who'd come back to. At the time I was just about too drunk to notice or care, but looking back now, it kills me. I enjoyed my party despite you, but still, if there's an opposite of the cherry on a cake then you were it.

Nothing and everything

So, I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger on the Crush 2.0 front didn't I? And I wish I had a fitting finale... but I kind of don't.. sorry!

I did carry out my plan, and suggest to the man, that after a second night sleeping in my bed, arms wrapped around me, that perhaps, before we got up, he should at least kiss me. (I didn't ask him the night before, apparently I opted for having a drunken rant about something and then passing out on him - attractive huh?) He laughed, and I didn't say anything.
He joked that I was being pushy again (hardly pushy really given the situation eh?), and that I was "messing with his karma" - which I think is closer to the real reason. Then he gave me a peck on the cheek, and I grabbed him and said "that's not a proper kiss" and he gave me a quick peck on the lips and said "That's all you're getting!"... and off he went downstairs. And still, thinking about it now, I didn't get the sense that he meant 'ever'.... but who knows?

Anyway, I got up, joined him, and we spent what was left of the afternoon chatting, sorting out his business stuff, just as relaxed with each other as we always are, and then I went to pick up the kids. When I got back he was there in the kitchen, cooking tea for all of us. Which was, of course, lovely. The kids love having him around.. and so do I.

What happened after that? Well, before he left, he talked about coming back to stay a couple of days later - he had to be in our town the following day for an appointment so it kind of made sense. In the end he didn't - he had to get back for his dog that was staying with him as his ex was away for the week - but the fact that he planned to come back, and the fact that when I asked him if he was, he gave me a straight answer, those things are kind of new.

Since then, we've been much closer - he's hardly being evasive at all when I speak to him!!  When I saw him at the next Open Mic night we arranged him bringing the music equipment for my birthday party and he said: "I'm probably going to be really drunk, I'm staying at yours that night, right?", and planning that in advance is definitely new! As it turns out, he's not, as he now has to work the next day, and his friend needed a lift. The point is though, that these are now the kind of conversations we can have, and every time I see him, he's always talking about the next time he's going to see me. Okay, there's always some other reason than just wanting to spend time with me - business stuff, or recording tracks for me - but maybe that's how he needs it to be right now...for whatever reason.

So I guess, technically we're still 'just friends', and there is some reason that he's not ready to make it more physical.. yet.. and I'm still not 100% certain what that is - because it genuinely doesn't feel like he doesn't fancy me at all. The important thing for me as that it feels different, it feels like we've moved on.

And then on Sunday after the Open Mic, when everyone had gone, he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye, and he said - for the first time - not just "Goodbye", but "Lots of love"

What it feels like, for want of a better way of putting it, is that we're on a journey, and we do seem to be moving closer together, and while I still have no real clue where this particular ride is going to take me, I am enjoying it. I get to spend a whole load of time with a gorgeous, fascinating, clever, talented guy who cares about me, makes me laugh, respects me, supports and encourages me, loves it when I talk passionately about the things I care about, gets on great with my kids, and cooks amazingly! That can't be such a bad thing can it?

Love you too Crush 2.0

Sex, love or self-preservation?

Well its been an interesting weekend....

On Saturday afternoon, I was highly pissed off with Crush 2.0. I'd had enough with the 'air of mystery', with his inability to give a straight answer to a straight question, with the aversion to committing to anything more than his next breath. I was done.

By 5am Sunday morning I was lying in my bed, snuggled into him, his arms wrapped around me.  But still no kissing, still nothing else.

This is what happened:

I'd asked Crush 2.0 on FB to give me a lift to our mates gig that we were both going to on Saturday night. He'd posted a smiley face in reply. I'd said 'I'm taking that as a yes, you know'. I'd mentioned it again, he'd been equally non-committal, I'd told him again I was taking it as a yes, because I figured then he'd at least have to tell me if it was a no. Apparently not though.
Chatted to him on FB on the afternoon of the gig and asked him again, he said:
'I've been arranged a taxi'.
No apology, no explanation.  So I said:
'and the taxi couldn't swing by here?' He said
'Its for the way back, pushy!'
and I wanted to say "So how are you getting there, fucking teleport??' but I didn't I said:
'Since when has asking one question been pushy?'
and there followed some banter, which my heart wasn't really in, and I think he knew it.. he knew I was pissed off with him and it was like he was trying to jolly me out of it. I said goodbye went off to make the kids tea.

Let me put this in context: To get from his house to the gig he would be driving within a couple of hundred yards of my front door, so however he was getting there, there was no obvious reason not to pick me up. It seemed to me that in that situation, the least you could do for a friend, for someone you actually gave a shit about was give them a quick explanation.

What next?

I wish one day I could write this blog and say "So Crush 2.0 said he likes me too and now we're going out. WOOO HOOOO!"

But I can't, because I don't actually think that's going to happen any time soon. For whatever reason he isn't there yet, and I don't know how long its going to take before he is, if ever.

He came round today, but didn't stay to cook for me as planned, because he has a cold, and it seems that he fits that cliche of men being rubbish with colds - he did actually look and sound pretty rough, and tired. He said he wouldn't be much company and he'd probably fall asleep but he would come back when he was better. So I guess it was kind of sweet that he came at all. And he looked through the footage of the presentation I did this morning and gave me lots of encouragement for it, and he explained to me some sound engineering stuff I'd been asking about, and he looked after DS2 while I took DS1 to his club. This is all good stuff.. and it feels like more than just friends... but there is absolutely no kissing or anything remotely like it involved... although that's probably a good thing, with the cold and everything!

I've been wondering recently, if maybe I scare him. I always say stuff that seems to surprise him - its like just when he gets a handle on who I am, I go and do or say something that doesn't fit in with his idea of me - like work stuff, or like DS2 being donor conceived. He said on FB last night 'When you gonna be yourself?' and I told him that all of this was me, just different bits of me. He said 'hmmmm'.

The thing is with Crush 2.0, as I've said before, I am all of myself with him, I don't bother turning up or down the volume on any aspect of who I am.. and it is so relaxing for me, but maybe it is hard for him. I don't know. The thing is, for me, even now, having just spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon, I feel really really chilled out. I am nicer to the children, I am a better mum just because he's been here. Just being around somebody who is like me, who thinks like me, who gets me is so great - there is something amazing about finding a kindred spirit... and whatever else he is, he will always be that. There are obviously ways in which we're not similar - otherwise we would be going out right about now!!! - but that's also what makes it so hard to give him up, to give up the idea that we could be together.

So do you think its possible to give up that hope?

If you met someone who seemed perfect for you in every way, who wanted to talk to you every day, who encouraged you, who listened to your opinions, who made you laugh, who was an amazing cook, who was talented, clever, creative and drop dead gorgeous, and whose presence just altogether made you feel like you'd finally come home.... could you give that up?

Because although I know I probably should - because I deserve someone who is all that and who can say 'yes, I want you too' - its hard, and I don't know if I can.

What do you reckon people, what next?

The end of the story...?

So for those of you that were waiting with baited breath after my last post, to find out if Crush 2.0 did come round and cook for me (and particularly those who didn't follow my tweets that day!) here is the news....

I really had pretty much given up hope on him coming over at all, when suddenly, Monday before last, we were chatting as usual on FB and he says:
'So, when do you want these eggs then?'
Surprised, but never one to miss a trick I suggested the next evening, and he said:
'Not tonight? You might get hungry before then!'
'You're keen', I thought, but didn't type. That was never going to happen as I had a big work day the next day and didn't want to be knackered - evenings with Crush 2.0 never end before midnight no matter what you're doing - and I thought it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to realise I didn't just sit around waiting for him every day (I kind of did, but he didn't need to know that). So, we agreed on the next night. About 4.30 that day though, I got a FB message to say he wouldn't be able to make it as he was helping a friend move, but was I around the next day? Ok, I thought, maybe you are pissing me about, but this seems genunine, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I told him the kids went to bed at 8, but he was welcome to join the chaos at any point, fully expecting to see him well after 8 - Crush 2.0 time, is, as I think I've mentioned usually a good hour after everyone else's.

He knocked on the door at 6.30pm. WTF??? Who are you and what have you done with Crush 2.0? He also didn't have the hat - he always wears a hat - it has a wide brim and I guess it keeps people at bay. Anyway, he just had his bandana thing on instead - damn he looked good. I, on the other hand, looked a complete mess because we'd just got back from DS1's drama class and I hadn't got changed or put any make up on.
'I wasn't expecting you 'til later!' I said,
'What, you thought I'd duck out of seeing the kids?' he said.
'Yes' I thought, but didn't say. Anyway, he brought the eggs and then told me he had a plan of what to cook and proceeded to check what I'd got in the kitchen, made a shopping list and headed off to get supplies.
Again, WTF??
Me, I was expecting the promised omelette - this was definitely more than omelette! Soon as he'd gone I phoned SLOG - the conversation went bacisally 'WTF??? He's here! He's cooking!'. SLOG is quite bored of Crush 2.0 conversations by now and was suitably unimpressed. Still, this was a whole new side to Crush 2.0 - just when I thought it wasn't possible to fancy him more, he goes and does something like this. He really was going all out for first prize in the 'ATOmum's most perfect man ever' competition.

Slog, Og and a belated blog

Wow, that was a long time without blogging - sorry! I entirely missed my one year bloggiversary - my first post was all about the first day of term last year - its a bit rubbish to be so distracted you miss your own birthday isn't it??

The thing is, I appear to have suddenly developed - and I'm not quite sure how to say this - a 'real' life. This is probably a good thing - people have visited my house and everything - it is, however, a bit odd. I have this friend, who checks in on me just to say hi, most days, I have visitors, I have people I confide in, not just a blog I confide in. This hasn't been my life since before I had DS1 pretty much, and I sort of wonder what I've been doing these last 7 years.

If you'd have told me a year ago, when I started this blog, that this would be my life now. That I would be regularly staying out til 1am and beyond, with a bunch of people whose homes I had an open invitation to, who would come round to see me, who would welcome and include my kids in our little gang, and who knew all my songs to sing along to when we went to open mic nights or had parties... well I think I'd probably have told you that I wasn't 20 years old anymore and not to be so bloody ridiculous. To be honest, if you'd have told me that three months ago, I'd have thought you were a little unhinged.


The OMC... kind of... in my head

But despite its seeming implausibility, that is, nonetheless, my life at the moment. Crush 2.0 says that his Open Mic nights aren't about the music, they're about the people... we just happen to play some music along the way. More importantly, he doesn't just say it, he makes it happen... and because he is sooo good at what he does (all gorgeousness and general perfection aside) my life has changed immeasurably.

I think a few weeks ago, I probably interacted more with Crush 2.0 than anyone else in my life, and its probably still a pretty close call, but actually now I'd say I spend at least as much time with the rest of the 'open mic crew' - lets call them OMC, I'm going to be all about the acronyms this post.

Of saying goodbye to summer...

There's a real back-to-school feeling in this house. Not just for DS1, who is whinging about next week already, but for me too. It has been an amazing summer. It has been the summer of Crush 2.0 absolutely, but it's been so much more than that - some sparked by him, some just me...


It's been the summer when I had male friends again, when a world that had been completely full of mums and children for so long suddenly opened up.
It's been a time when I've had fun, real fun, for the first time in a very very long time.
It's been a time when I've remembered I'm an artist, and that that used to mean something to me, and maybe it's starting to again
It's been a time when I've realised that maybe the me that I was with DS1's dad was not as completely stupid and naive as I'd come to think she was. That maybe I didn't need to throw out the baby with the bath water.
It's been a time when I've been intellectually challenged again, by the books Crush 2.0 has introduced me to.
It's been a time when I've been creative and I've written song after song after song.
It's been a time when I've let go completely of the notion of tidying and cleaning and just enjoyed my time with my kids.
It's been a time when I've let go of thinking 'I must do xxx for the kids sake' and just done stuff for me.
It's been a time when I've developed new business contacts.
It's been a time when I've deepened friendships with mum friends that were previously just another face in the playground.
It's been a time when I've let go of the dream of having another child.

Of slobbery, discovery and contentment

Nearly two weeks since my last blog and I still haven't really recovered from the holiday - DS1 went four days without brushing his teeth before I noticed we hadn't unpacked his toothbrush - and there is still a bag yet to unpack at my feet. I haven't really bothered getting back into any kind of routine, and my kitchen is not dissimilar to my student kitchen from the early 90s (minus the fellow staircase dwellers who might've take pity on me and done the washing up).

While it was sheer tiredness that started this new slobbery, I'm genuinely quite enjoying it - apart from the tripping over stuff and not being able to find anything, which is starting to get annoying. Without the relentless grind of tidying up and doing stuff and eating at certain times I have relaxed. I have enjoyed my kids more, I have enjoyed my life more, I have exercised more and have eaten better. I think my letting go has generally been a good thing for us as a family - the house less so. Crush 2.0 says what needs doing will get done - that's as good a reason as any to just cross my fingers and hope the cleaning fairies arrive one night isn't it? 

Of letting go

So here's a major part of my life I haven't blogged about...

When I was with DS1s dad, we always talked about having 3 or 4 kids. Well, I say we talked, in retrospect I think I talked and he begrudgingly went along with is probably more accurate. Then when I was planning trying for DS2, even then I was thinking that if it went well and I coped ok then I'd like to try for another. I've talked about it openly with loads of people since DS2 was born - the number of times I've said 'I think I could manage one more on my own' in conversation - with anyone really, not even just close friends. I think, being one of five, two children just felt like such a small family. I wanted my family to be like a 'proper' family, and less than three kids didn't feel like that. Particularly being on my own - it just felt there were not enough people in our home. This has been my mind set for pretty much as long as I can remember.

It's not just been a thought either - the night after the open mic where Crush 2.0 and I had our first proper conversation I was sat in a consulting room at the clinic where I had DS2 discussing the start of my treatment. It was surreal. Made more so, by an ice cream van intermittently playing it's tune through the open window.  My consultant is lovely,
"So another one eh?" he said,
"Just one more" I said,
"Addicted!" he laughed.
He went through all the questions they have to ask:
"Any sexual partners?"
"No" I said out loud.
"Not yet" I said in my head.
"And not any since last time we saw you?"
For some reason that threw me, I had to think - I don't know why, I knew the answer - but I still sounded surprised at myself when I said "No".

I'd had some blood tests at my GPs prior to the appointment and had been slightly freaked out by my progesterone being 'borderline'. I know I probably shouldn't have been, I'm not getting any younger, but having never had any trouble at all getting pregnant I sort of assumed I'd be fine despite my age. My GP had assured me it was nothing to worry about and my consultant didn't pay it much attention and arranged another more accurate test for me. When I had this test before trying for DS2 it had showed I had the ovaries of someone four years younger - get in!! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crossing my fingers for the same result or better again. I find out in a couple of weeks.

Originally, I had planned to start my treatment at the end of October - work might be a bit quieter then and what was the point in waiting, I thought.

Then I was thinking maybe January - no work then at all and it gave me a bit more time - so long as the results of the test were okay then no harm waiting until then.

Then I met Crush 2.0.

Of the summer holidays, train tracks and hands off parenting

So, in the midst of all the Crush 2.0 saga apparently we're more than two weeks into the summer holidays - who knew? I feel like I've been floating on another planet for the last month and since I'm not showing any signs of coming down any time soon the children are adjusting to my somewhat lacklustre parenting skills.

Last week, fortunately, DS1 had a break from 'vacant mummy' as he was with his dad for 4 nights, which is the longest he's ever been away. They went on holiday and he had a really good time - even though it was longer than he'd ever been before, it seems it made more sense to him because it wasn't just being away for the sake of being away from us, there was a reason to go. He hasn't stopped talking about it since we got back - he saw steam trains and went to adventure parks and went to the beach - all good healthy stuff.

He was definitely the lucky one - firstly, because he actually had a parent engaging with him on a regular basis for the purposes other than just talking about Crush 2.0, and secondly because he missed the opening round of DS2s ascent into good solid 2 year old behaviour. This involved DS2 spending most of the day saying 'I don't want this' and 'I don't like that' - and then having a full blown tantrum if I didn't follow close behind him when we went to another room/up the stairs. Seriously, if I dare to walk in front, beside or any other place, full on melt down ensues. He is still a delightful kid and it is hard to resist him because when he asks for something he never ever says 'I want', he always says 'Shall we...' which is just tooo cute!! I have to admit though for those four days, he did spend a hell of a lot of time in front of Thomas on the TV while I arsed about on FB and twitter,  pretended to do work, and held imaginary conversations with Crush 2.0 in my head.

We both survived though and Crush 2.0 was a good distraction for me from DS1 being away for so long, which I think would've been pretty painful had I not had something else to concentrate on. I didn't miss him half as much as I could've done. 
DS1 arriving home on Friday at least gave DS2 some quality attention from somewhere and there has been less telly watching and much more train track building since his return. We have got into a nice routine of DS2 poking me awake at about 6.30 until I agree to give him the Thomas App on the phone. Eventually I'll haul myself out of bed and make the strongest cup of tea I can and ignore the pleas of 'Thomas on the television' - at least until the 7.35am episode on Milkshake. Sometime after that DS1 will eventually show his face and the train track building can begin in earnest. Then I can settle down to playing Crush 2.0s CD loudly and musing on/over-analysing my last conversation with him.

Of Crush 2.0: The 'is he interested?' vote - you decide!

Right, readers, I need your opinion - I'm going to give you the Crush 2.0 update, and I need to know in your experience, do these seem like the actions of someone a/interested in me? or b/just being friendly?

It was all so much easier with Crush the First, it was absolutely, definitely a one way thing: I liked him, he barely noticed my existence. You know where you stand with that.
Crush 2.0 is a whole different ball game. He actually interacts with me and takes an interest and has a laugh with me. This is a whole lot less safe than my crush on Crush the First, which I knew was going nowhere. If Crush 2.0 is interested and not just being friendly, then here's a man that I seem to have a lot in common with, I really click with, I have a laugh with and I think is FAF. That, scarily, sounds like a relationship that might, actually, dare I say it.... work? Aaaarrrgghhh!!! (That'll be the sound of me running terrified for the hills)
This is why I need your expertise, if this is going to happen, might as well start facing my fears in advance - they might take a while to get over!

So is it
a/oh yes he really does fancy you ATOmum or
b/get over yourself woman.

Voting comments open at the end of this post....

Here are the facts:

Of parenting fails, facebook friends and the absence of sex

So, you know when you have a post that no one seems really interested in but you kind of need to carry on on the same theme for your own sanity? That'll be what this is then.

The last couple of days have been a bit of a daze. In fact most of the time since last Thursday have been a bit of a daze - I've just noticed it more the last two as I've had to get DS1 up and out for school. They have been a daze because of my aforementioned obsession with Crush 2.0  - and I don't use the word obsession lightly - I have been thinking about him ALL the time. And sometimes Crush the 1st too, but more of that later.

As a result these have been my epic parenting fails:

1. Two days packed lunches unmade, had to send in money for school dinners
2. One day DS1 wearing damp jumper to school as didn't get the washing on
3. One day DS2 going to childminders without his bag
4. Several days of eating utter shite for tea
5. One day of totally failing to prep for important work meetings
6. Much yelling at small children because of running late and them not appreciating the urgency that I was entirely responsible for creating.
7. Today, being so late (because of failure to prep) that had to drop DS1 at school gate with not quite enough money for lunch.

It was number 7 there that really pulled me up. I always see him into class, I've never left him at the gate - his little worried face as I drove away was enough to break anyone's heart. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It was probably, though, the kick in the face I needed to at least make some sort of attempt to snap out of this dreamworld.

That was the point I had to stop and ask myself this question: "Why the hell am I failing to function properly just because of some bloke?" It is fucking ridiculous when you stop and think about it, because I've barely had a conversation with him, let alone anything else. Here is my attempt to answer that:

Of a change in Crushes

Regular followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Crush for a while. (New followers can catch up on the story of my obsession here)  I have genuinely been meaning to do an update for a while, but having spent the last 48 hours obsessing over Crush 2.0 - oh yes, there's a new man in town - I feel I should at least complete the Crush the First story.

So,  I think the last time I blogged about Crush, I was asking for suggestions as to what I should do when I saw him at a local gig that me and the school run Mums were going to. Well, he ended up cancelling that gig, so any advice offered - and thanks to those that did - was, sadly, purely academic. I had a short bout of paranoia thinking maybe he was just going to extreme lengths to avoid me, but a quick cyber stalk revealed he did, in fact, have some pretty major career helping commitments elsewhere, so clearly my obsession hadn't disturbed him that much - yet. Anyway, as it turned out, I didn't end up seeing him at all until a couple of weeks ago when I took the kids to a local music day he was playing at. I'd promised DS1 if Crush was ever playing during the day then I'd take them, as they do really like his album, and this looked like it was going to be the only opportunity.

It was a strange day as DS1 was at his dad's that weekend, so it meant him coming back from there a bit early, and somehow or other that ended up turning into another 'two families' afternoon, i.e. me, the ex, the ex's new kid, DS1 and DS2 all hanging out together. We'd had our first 'two families' day back at the end of May when the ex's wife had come along too - we went to an open day at a local farm so there were loads of activities, which I thought would be a good thing for everyone to focus on, instead of it all being completely weird. What I hadn't counted on was running into someone I hadn't seen for about 20 years and having to say this:
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should do some introductions, this is my son, DS1, and this is his dad, and this is his wife and their son, and this is my donor-conceived son, DS2"
Fortunately, my old friend was polite enough not to say "WTF happened to you in the last 20 years?!" - because that really is the only sensible response on hearing that.
You can see why then, I was pretty pleased when the ex said he and new kid had to go before Crush was on. It was bad enough having to do that introduction with an old friend, can't imagine how excruciating it would've been having to do that with Crush.

Of Crush: the reality v. the fantasy

Ladies and Gentleman, I bring you, the latest Crush update! You're welcome, I know you've all been on the edge of your seats...

(or if you have no idea what I'm talking about, catch up here ....or just carry on, it's pretty self-explanatory)

So, Crush finally responded to my FB message (re the dates of his next gig - oh yes, it's all romance here) and asked if I was going to be at a festival he was playing at. Unfortunately, I had to say I was away (damn that booking-holidays-in-advance thing) but thought I'd chance my luck and see if he was going to the next Open Mic night.
No reply.
In fairness to him, I didn't really put it as a question, I just said something like: 'I'll be there, and if I don't see you there I'll see you at the gig'. In my head though, I then decided it would be a sign: 'If he turns up, he's interested, if he doesn't, he's not'. This was clearly bollocks, but my inner fourteen-year-old is alive and well and must be kept entertained.

So, last Thursday evening, there I was, at the pub, for the Open Mic, all prepped to play my designated three songs. These included the song I'd written about Crush, as I was confidently assuming that he wasn't interested and therefore wouldn't be there. This was a pretty safe assumption on other grounds too. After all, he had a gig the next night and a big festival at the weekend. (Not that I check his FB page/Twitter feed every day or anything.)

Happy in this assumption, I was gossiping away with my mates, and yes, you've guessed it, in he walked. I was so shocked I literally stopped speaking mid-sentence - I genuinely thought people only did that in films, but really, I did. My inner fourteen-year-old was going mental with excitement, while the more adult part of me attempted to restrain her.

The worst thing was that I couldn't actually say anything to my friends about why, because he was about two feet away from me - bloody small pubs! So, I made a lame attempt to cover myself and carry on the conversation. I waited until he had sat down, then disappeared to the loos to try to pull myself together.

I don't think he recognised me at first, but I do look quite like my FB picture (no, not the pegs, my RL FB - keep up!), and I was about to get up on stage. That being the case, I decided that he probably would recognise me eventually, and then it would be kind of weird if I hadn't said hello after the whole message thing.

I looked in the loo mirror and said to myself, "FFS ATOmum - it's just saying hello to a guy - how old are you??" Fourteen apparently.

Of anonymity and split personalities

I've been thinking a lot about anonymity the last few of days, mainly thanks to becoming a bit of a Twitter addict. Twitter is so public, and if you're used to Facebook, then you can forget that literally anyone in the world can see who you are and who you follow. I was already blurring the lines between Real Life me and online me by following some old friends on there from way back, but I figured that was okay - they had lots of followers so no reason to suspect I wasn't just jumping on their particular bandwagon. What really kicked off my thinking was when I had to unfollow Crush, as I suddenly realised if he decided to investigate his new follower, he'd probably be able to work out who I was pretty easily. Obviously for the embarrassment factor this would not be great, but more importantly there is a good reason why I blog anonymously: as much as I love Crush, he is not worth ruining my kids lives over.

Sounds dramatic, but DS1's dad is not the most stable of human beings, and if he found out what I really thought of him I'm not sure his ego would take it and we could well end up back in court. Long story, that I will share at some point, but suffice to say, I'm not putting either of the boys through that again. Also, I need to work to keep a roof over our heads, and quite frankly, if my RL name was linked to this blog, I'm not sure I'd carry on getting the work I do. (And I don't think the ATOmum book deal is on its way to take up the slack any time soon!!)

Of broken computers and online relationships

I hate that Norton goes wrong. It happens very rarely - about once a year - but the momentary panic of thinking: 'Oh my God - a virus could get in and delete my life, and not just my online life, it could get all my passwords and take all my money and everything'. In my head, viruses (viri?) are all-powerful, telepathic things capable of bad magic, and so for me, if Norton isn't working for more than ten seconds, the complete destruction of my life is an entirely plausible scenario. This can make me prone to overreaction in such situations.
So at 8am, this fine Sunday morning, as DS2 was smelling quietly while lining up his cars on the sofa, you can only imagine the language he was exposed to as I logged on sleepily to start the online shop.
Fortunately, DS2's ears did not have to suffer for long, as I quickly remembered the reason that I pay for Norton rather than cheaper alternatives. Off I went to the Norton website and, having dutifully exhausted all their One Click Support suggestions, they connected me instantly to some lovely man in India to be my hero and make everything better again. (I'm assuming he's in India: his name is Biswajit and he's good at computers - so sue me). Biswajit has taken complete control of my computer and will fix it - as I write he is only half way through, but I have full faith in Biswajit - I must do, he pretty much only said 'hello' on live chat, and I said the equivalent of 'Yes, please, have full access to my computer, or life - as I sometimes call it'. I used to do this in real life relationships as a teenager - some habits are fun to revisit.

The six things life would be too hard without

I was thinking recently - when I wasn't thinking, god I hate this new blogger interface thingy (typing my first post in it and somehow it doesn't feel right) - I digress, back to the point: I was thinking recently that there are several things that I completely rely on to make my life work. Things without which life would be a lot more like wading through treacle than it is. So, I thought I'd share them with you, in no particular order:

1. The I-pod Classic with lego brick attachment

...because you can't take the telly with you! This is my go-anywhere babysitter -  small enough to be unobtrusive to people nearby, this will keep the kids entertained in doctors waiting rooms, hairdressers, the car, anywhere where there's sod all else to do and you run the risk of bored-child-tantrums. You don't want an I-pod touch because, as I've found with my touch screen phone, DS2 is capable of getting out of his Thomas app and on to dialling 999 in the blink of an eye (sorry community support officers - but he did enjoy your visit). The I-pod Classic though, has just big enough a screen for kids to see it, and you can lock it so they can't play with anything. When DS1 was little, we used to struggle with getting ear phones in his little ears, or playing it through the car speakers, but neither was really practical. Then a couple of years ago I discovered this lego brick speaker - problem solved! I love it, it looks kind of weird but the sound is good enough so you can listen/watch to stuff on the go without having to drag around anything else. DS2 has loved watching all the Thomas episodes I downloaded all those years ago for DS. It's perfect for holidays and waiting around anywhere really -  if you don't have one, I genuinely don't know how you ever do anything outside the house. I have also been known to have it in the buggy hood playing crush's latest album, so it works for me too! - strange looks from people though as they assume I have a buggy that is wired for sound....