A glorious distraction from hell

My eldest is making our lives hell at the moment. He is the worst kind of teenager right now. He wakes up in a bad mood, and then spends the day swinging between 'my whole family is mad/insane/awful to me' and 'I'm such a terrible person' i.e. anything to avoid dealing with the actual issues he's facing and does a fine line in targeted passive aggression for anyone that dares to suggest he might think about doing that. Middle kid and I are therefore splitting most of his jobs between us just to avoid being around someone who refuses to do anything but make us feel like shit and won't help if asked, or will only 'help' in a way that makes more work and stress for everyone. Then middle kid gets overwhelmed and I have to deal with that too. Most days I can hold off the meltdowns for myself but this morning was a pretty bad one. I am completely fucking knackered and overwhelmed most of the time right now, so I have decided to continue distracting myself with the aforementioned probably inappropriate crush, just to avoid thinking about it. Lets call him PIC for short, cos you know how I love an acronym. 

So, here's your catch up since my last report:

One of the big problems of not being neurotypical is I have fuck all idea when someone is flirting with me. I mean really, you have to be so blindingly obvious and even then I may not spot it. What this means is that despite being three weeks on since I last reported on my latest probably inappropriate crush, and endless messaging backwards and forwards about our lives and pasts, and him saying nice things to me and seeing each other at zoom events (that he's invited me to), I'm still not sure if he's just being friendly and supportive or actually fancies me.

Maybe he doesn't know either? Maybe he's testing the water? But it's been a month now of messaging most days, wouldn't he have an idea?

But then maybe I don't know? I mean he seems like the perfect man - he hates tories, bemoans that we live in a misogynistic society and once apologised for not messaging back because he was doing the washing up (and  I don't know about you but as sex talk goes that kinda does it for me.) - but is he really? Is it just that I have had such appalling experiences with men in the past that my standards are so low that just being a decent human renders any man instantly attractive? 

I would love him to ask me out. It occurred to me that no one has ever asked me out properly. Not in all my 48 years on this planet. I mean I've been on dates years ago with match.com - but its not the same if someone wants to meet up then because its a forgone conclusion as to why you're talking - that's why you're on the app. Well, website when I was last on it, that's how long ago it was. Anyway, it just feels like it would be great, if, just once, I met someone, got to know them, and they liked me enough to ask me out on a date. Does that still happen? Or do I just watch to much Movies24??

We do seem to have an awful lot in common, and for once he's actually a similar age to me - I haven't been out with someone my own age in decades! I know I could ask him, but I don't want to make it awkward if he still wants to come to my events. And also I don't want to be rejected to be totally honest. He may have fancied me to begin with but now he knows a lot more about my life he may not be interested and just being friendly. Also, if I resolve that issue then it won't be a distraction I can muse on instead of dealing with my actual problems, it'll be something else I have to deal with, and I don't honestly know if I want that,  no matter how lovely it is. 

Well, I guess I'll just keep on pondering and let you know. In the meantime, do you have any top tips for telling signs that someone fancies you I can look out for??

Of unending tiredness...

I was awake at 5am this morning - despite being completely knackered, and the fact that it was 4am in real, before-the-clocks-went-forward time. Here is the thought that, ironically, kept me awake:

"Will there come a day, ever again, when I can honestly say, 'I'm not tired'?"

I am so fed up with always being completely shattered, never feeling like I have enough energy to even get off the sofa. To add to this, recently I've started getting random aches in things: my big toe, which puts paid to my Thursday nights out dancing, and now my wrist, which I am ignoring, because my body can fuck off if it thinks I'm giving up the guitar playing as well - a girl's got to have some creative outlet!

The trouble with e-mail, self-employment and old cars...

It doesn't seem to matter how many seminars/webinars or any other kind of -inars I listen too, I can't seem to break the habit of checking my e-mails before I do anything else. I know its bad, I know it eats time, I know nothing can be that urgent or someone would've phoned, and I know I certainly don't need to keep checking them every 5 minutes once the computer is on, but I still do it. In fact today, I checked my e-mail first thing, found a webinar I'd missed and listened to a whole hour of it, which began with telling me not to check my e-mails first. Ahh, the irony.

The Godfamily, school friends, snot and paranoia

Sneaking in a quick blog while the baby sleeps - we all have colds at the moment, so it's a welcome respite from being covered in snot snail trails - ah the joy of DS1 being back at school and bringing home every bug, virus and general nasty going!

We finished off the weekend with a lovely day out with DS2's god family (Godmum, Goddad, plus their daughter and Goddad's mum - who we've decided to call Godsister and Godgran to make life easier!) It's fab going out with them - since DS2 doesn't have a 'dad's side' to his family, these are like the joy of in-laws without the hassle of them - I am doubly blessed!! Plus DS1 and Godsister get on really well - which is how we know them in the first place. Went to a country-fair type thing and saw kites dancing to music, went on carousels and bouncy castles, got a cuddly dinosaur for 50p and had DS1 and DS2's name carved on a name plate for their bedroom door.

Of course, all this joyousness made for a very tired and shouty Monday morning back to school - particularly with the colds kicking in. I guess that's the payback for having a busy weekend - would be lovely if there wasn't one but there always is - and I resent it less when its been my weekend than when I get the payback for the weekend DS1 had with his dad - all the pain from someone else's joy.