Getting back to the ordinary again...

Almost two weeks since I posted the goodbye letter. God it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I'm almost glad that life is getting back to normal after so many months of craziness. And sometimes I close the door after dropping the kids off and out comes such a primal scream that I gasp for air like I'm drowning

He's barely been on FB... it was our place and I guess he's avoiding it. Although, today I noticed he'd joined her to the closed fan page we co-administrate - which we'd had a conversation about a while back, I might've mentioned it. Anyway, she's sat on the 'requested to join' list for several weeks, and when we spoke he'd not been keen to join her - it's the page where we all play really, and he wasn't sure he wanted her involved. I'd told him it was up to him - I wasn't going to join her, as she was his ex and I wasn't going to get involved. So the fact that after all this time she's finally on there, I guess is as much confirmation as I'm going to get that they are back together.

But why? I don't get it. I guess maybe it's just as simple as he loves her, always has and probably always will. Maybe because of that and all their shared history it doesn't matter how badly she's behaved, he's just going to put up with it. And lets face it, the relationship he and I had isn't one that's remotely compatible with him having a girlfriend. Still, it was unkind of him to just cut me off the way he did - no warning, no explanation, and certainly no apology.

It's strange to realise how much of a connection we had, how much the little things counted. Pretty much every morning I would wake up and there would be something on FB - even if he'd just liked a post of mine. Now, nothing. For almost two weeks.

I ended up going to his Open Mic on Thursday. His best mate convinced me - lets call him C2BM eh? gotta love an acronym! We've been chatting a lot on FB recently, its really meant a lot to have someone who knows Crush 2.0 to be supportive of me - I sent him a copy of that last post (with pseudonyms change to protect the innocent of course) and it really meant a lot that he was kind and sympathetic, coming from someone that knows Crush 2.0 that means a lot - although he's also at a loss to understand why he's behaving the way he is. Anyway, it was C2BM's last Open Mic before Christmas so I said I'd go, and it was lovely to see all my friends and it felt like coming home - like seeing my family again. Some kind words from a friend earlier in the day had helped and I went with the attitude of just enjoying myself with my friends - and since I wasn't trying to notice Crush 2.0 or get any connection then it didn't hurt so much. It just hit me a bit the next day, realising that all we'd said was hello and goodbye, and the conversation necessary when you get up to play - apart from that he'd actively avoided being involved in any conversation that I was a part of. Just sad really.

It's shitty.. but if his ex is as unstable as she appears to be, then I guess that's the condition of them being back together. And if that's what he wants then that's what he's got to do.

It's just that as well as the sadness, life just seems a little dull without it.

And I know people mean well, but the 'oh don't worry someone better will come along' type comments drive me mental. I guess that's because it means that the person saying it doesn't understand me - and having just lost someone who really did, it hurts particularly to discover others.
I didn't fall for Crush 2.0 because I was looking for a man and he happened to fit the bill. I fell for him because of him, because of everything he is. I have been - and remain - happy with being single, but just because you're happy with the single life you choose to live doesn't mean you'll never fall in love. And having had that happen to you and it all ended like this, you're certainly not going to be looking to do it any time soon...Jesus, I wouldn't go through this last month again if you paid me!!

I mean, don't get me wrong, if the choice was between none of this crazy summer and autumn happening at all, and it happening and ending like this, I'd choose the latter every time. I've had a ball!!  I have some amazing friends - and if only for a short time I felt understood, cared about, appreciated by a gorgeous, talented, intelligent man. That was a good feeling.. even if it did drive me slightly crazy all the 'will he? won't he?' stuff... better to have loved and lost eh?

So for now, I'm in the place of being glad that it happened and sad that its over at the same time... and that changes each day... guess I've just got to keep on keeping on - as Crush 2.0 used to say...

So here's me keeping on...

• I'm keeping in contact with all the friends I made - and it hasn't affected my developing friendship with C2BM - thus far - which I hope will remain true, because he is a really lovely human being. 
•  I'm exploring other Open Mics - although the average age seems about 15 years younger than Crush 2.0s ones - not used to feeling like the old lady!!
• I'm trying to sort out my house because after the last three months it is just piles of unsorted stuff everywhere. Who knows, I may even clean... no laughing at the back there!!
• I'm trying to yell less at DS1 - although he does drive me completely crazy with his ignoring everything I say and generally being vacant - so some things haven't changed that much since I started this blog.
• I've even been known to sit down on the floor and play with DS2 in the last week, instead of just leaving him to his trains and tracks by himself
• I'm off on a mum's night out this week, and I'm seeing as much of my mum friends as I can
• I've agreed to go to C2BM's Christmas gig, which Crush 2.0 will be at, but I refuse to give up my friends because of him... it will be hard, but I will handle it, and it will get easier, slowly but surely...

So, tell me.. what are your top tips for getting over someone? And have you managed to keep mutual friends after a break up? All thoughts greatly appreciated!!

The six things life would be too hard without

I was thinking recently - when I wasn't thinking, god I hate this new blogger interface thingy (typing my first post in it and somehow it doesn't feel right) - I digress, back to the point: I was thinking recently that there are several things that I completely rely on to make my life work. Things without which life would be a lot more like wading through treacle than it is. So, I thought I'd share them with you, in no particular order:

1. The I-pod Classic with lego brick attachment

...because you can't take the telly with you! This is my go-anywhere babysitter -  small enough to be unobtrusive to people nearby, this will keep the kids entertained in doctors waiting rooms, hairdressers, the car, anywhere where there's sod all else to do and you run the risk of bored-child-tantrums. You don't want an I-pod touch because, as I've found with my touch screen phone, DS2 is capable of getting out of his Thomas app and on to dialling 999 in the blink of an eye (sorry community support officers - but he did enjoy your visit). The I-pod Classic though, has just big enough a screen for kids to see it, and you can lock it so they can't play with anything. When DS1 was little, we used to struggle with getting ear phones in his little ears, or playing it through the car speakers, but neither was really practical. Then a couple of years ago I discovered this lego brick speaker - problem solved! I love it, it looks kind of weird but the sound is good enough so you can listen/watch to stuff on the go without having to drag around anything else. DS2 has loved watching all the Thomas episodes I downloaded all those years ago for DS. It's perfect for holidays and waiting around anywhere really -  if you don't have one, I genuinely don't know how you ever do anything outside the house. I have also been known to have it in the buggy hood playing crush's latest album, so it works for me too! - strange looks from people though as they assume I have a buggy that is wired for sound....

Australian Soaps and Facebook - better than Prozac?

As usual, I've been stressing about the lack of time I have and the list as long as several arms of things I have to do. When I get like this I always think that if I just worked a bit harder, or watched a bit less TV, or was on Facebook a bit less that I would have more time (see The Trouble with...).

I've been testing this out recently though, and I've realised three things:

1. I do work bloody hard, much harder than I give myself credit for.
2. I'm very rarely just watching TV. I'm usually breastfeeding or e-mailing or sorting washing or eating, or its after 10 o'clock at night when I'm so tired and zoned out that my brain couldn't cope with anything else anyway.
3. Neighbours is about the only thing I watch without doing anything else, and, along with Facebook, I think its responsible for keeping me (mostly) sane.