Pass the wine I'm back...

 

So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:

'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'

So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Four long years...

I have no concept how that last post can be four years ago. Or how I put up with that hell for so long. I guess, in the end, I really loved Dreads, no matter how aggressive he got, no matter how he manipulated me and the children, I always assumed that 'underneath all that' there was a good person. In the end, 'underneath all that' was nothing. He was shallow. Everything was for show. Everything was to appear like a good person without ever putting in the effort to actually be one. Writing that I realise that 'Underneath all that' is a phrase my parents used throughout my childhood to excuse people's bad behaviour - actually not just people, my brothers. My parents are no longer really a part of our lives.

Anyway, one day I'll maybe talk about the horrible detail, but I'm back here today because I so desperately feel the need to be in a place where I can talk honestly, take the piss out of things, be me, without judgement - even if no one is listening any more!

So... the headlines:

Had an awesome baby girl, she's now 3

Discovered we're all autistic - yay! - life makes a whole lot more fucking sense now - or more accurately there's an explanation as to why it doesn't make sense. And the title 'Attempting the Ordinary' seems even more relevant...

Dreads fucked off with a woman half my age with no commitments and now won't even tell me where he is.

Oh yeah, and had brief fling with C2BM earlier in the year, we still chat on messenger, I miss him.

Dreads not so much. I miss what I thought he was, but that was never real. But hey, you read about him so you know what I thought he was and you can see why I thought that was pretty awesome right?

So, that's the update, kind of too knackered to write anymore right now, but thought maybe I'd see if anyone was still here listening. Tell me what you've been up to the last four years eh? Speak soon xxx

Irresponsiblity, sexting and public displays of affection

Okay, here's the thing.. it's not that I want to blog about the intimate details of my new found sex life - 'cause that's probably more information than anyone needs - but I do want to share my thoughts about it, which requires a little information at least, so apologies up front to the easily embarrassed! So, whilst attempting not to be too explicit, here is the Dreads update:

It is now two weeks since Dreads and I started sleeping together - but I've only actually seen him the once since the first time. The thing is though, it feels like much more than that, because despite the fact this is entirely casual (he regularly reminds me that he is my 'sex toy' - his words! - and not my boyfriend) he texts and FBs me whenever he can. To be honest, I can't remember when I had a boyfriend this attentive, and I kind of like it.

Okay, 80% of it is sex talk, but in between all of that he's really supportive of my music, interested in my work and my spirituality, wants to be involved in that, and wants to learn from me, so it feels like we connect on a different level as well. For me, I think, if we didn't then I wouldn't want to sleep with him quite so much, because even if it is just sex, I can't imagine being turned on by someone that wasn't interesting in themselves, or was completely uninterested in me. I guess for me its really true what they say about the brain being the biggest sexual organ - and unless that's engaged it's just not happening for me.

So, sex and friendship it is - but as a friend said to me recently "Surely that's all any relationship is?" But is it? See, what I like about Dreads is that I get all the attention and he makes me feel great but I have none of the commitment, the obligation, the day to day stuff that I think can sometimes kill relationships. You know, the having to visit his mother, or arguing who'll put the bins out, or paying the bills, that kind of thing. I know all that kind of thing is necessary if you are in a proper relationship with someone, because you share a life and so there are practical considerations about how you organise that and have an equal division of labour. But that stuff isn't sexy is it? I'm aware this may well sound shallow and immature, but that's sort of how I feel like being - hence sleeping with the 20 year old I guess!

Dreads and the return of sex

So... out with the 42 year old solitary guitarist completely incapable of communicating emotion and in with the 20 year old front man of a thrash metal rock band who just wants to get laid?... yeah, that'll work... maybe....

Would be great if it were that simple, wouldn't it? Anyway, rewind, let me introduce you to Dreads...

So Dreads, is said 20 year old.. with an amazing head of dreads down to his waist.. hence the pseudonym. I first met him back in September at the gig I had after the first night Crush 2.0 stayed over. The gig was actually a competition and we were the only two competitors that night. I really liked him when I met him - not fancied him, just knew he was 'our kind of person' - chatted about him with Crush 2.0 on FB when I got home that night and posted him the video of one of his songs... Crush 2.0 liked him too. I did invite him then to come along to an open mic, but I didn't manage to find him on FB, found his band, but turns out his stage name isn't his real name...  his real name is infinitely more mundane... think I might suggest he goes with Dreads!! He says when he first met me that night I seemed a bit innocent and a bit floaty... I did explain I'd been seriously hungover and had barely slept and was in a place of going 'WTF was that???' after spending my first 24 hrs with Crush 2.0. He thought that was very funny given his impression of my innocence. He also thought I was about 28... get in!!! Good to know that even hungover and half asleep I can still pull off looking 12 years younger than I am!!!