Of a change in Crushes

Regular followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Crush for a while. (New followers can catch up on the story of my obsession here)  I have genuinely been meaning to do an update for a while, but having spent the last 48 hours obsessing over Crush 2.0 - oh yes, there's a new man in town - I feel I should at least complete the Crush the First story.

So,  I think the last time I blogged about Crush, I was asking for suggestions as to what I should do when I saw him at a local gig that me and the school run Mums were going to. Well, he ended up cancelling that gig, so any advice offered - and thanks to those that did - was, sadly, purely academic. I had a short bout of paranoia thinking maybe he was just going to extreme lengths to avoid me, but a quick cyber stalk revealed he did, in fact, have some pretty major career helping commitments elsewhere, so clearly my obsession hadn't disturbed him that much - yet. Anyway, as it turned out, I didn't end up seeing him at all until a couple of weeks ago when I took the kids to a local music day he was playing at. I'd promised DS1 if Crush was ever playing during the day then I'd take them, as they do really like his album, and this looked like it was going to be the only opportunity.

It was a strange day as DS1 was at his dad's that weekend, so it meant him coming back from there a bit early, and somehow or other that ended up turning into another 'two families' afternoon, i.e. me, the ex, the ex's new kid, DS1 and DS2 all hanging out together. We'd had our first 'two families' day back at the end of May when the ex's wife had come along too - we went to an open day at a local farm so there were loads of activities, which I thought would be a good thing for everyone to focus on, instead of it all being completely weird. What I hadn't counted on was running into someone I hadn't seen for about 20 years and having to say this:
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should do some introductions, this is my son, DS1, and this is his dad, and this is his wife and their son, and this is my donor-conceived son, DS2"
Fortunately, my old friend was polite enough not to say "WTF happened to you in the last 20 years?!" - because that really is the only sensible response on hearing that.
You can see why then, I was pretty pleased when the ex said he and new kid had to go before Crush was on. It was bad enough having to do that introduction with an old friend, can't imagine how excruciating it would've been having to do that with Crush.

Of one hell of a breastfeeding journey

So, although I'm not an 'official' blogger for it, I wanted to blog my support for the Keep Britain Breastfeeding campaign because I really love breastfeeding. Here's why:

• I love it because of that physical closeness with my babies
• I love that they enjoy it so much
• I love it because it's so convenient
• I love it because it means less washing up
• I love it because it gives me a chance to sit down for five minutes
• I love it because it's a damn fine excuse to sit and cuddle when I really should be getting on with other things!!

Having said all that, my breastfeeding journey did not start out an easy one, by any stretch of the imagination. What's more, I don't think the experience of having a difficult start to breastfeeding is at all unusual. That's why I think the very rosy, 'it's all so easy and simple' picture of breastfeeding that some of the literature and publicity gives, can be really unhelpful. Don't get me wrong, I understand the "make it sound great and everyone will do it" logic. The problem is that for the vast number of women for whom it's not like that - me included - being faced with those kind of images and ideas can be really disheartening. More often than not, this can make women who are struggling with feeding feel bad about themselves, because they think it must be something they're doing wrong - and lets face it, the last thing a new mum needs is anymore insecurities. From what I read and hear, it seems that many women give up because of this feeling - often long before they really want to or planned to.

I think this is a real shame - I'd like women to be able to have a genuine choice, to be able get the support they need to feed for as long as they want to. I think to have that genuine choice they should be getting some realistic messages about breastfeeding. Here's mine:

Breastfeeding is fabulous, but it can take a few months of getting used to it before it's fabulous.

Oh yes, I said a few months - not days, not weeks, but - in my experience, and many others - it can take three or four months before it gets easy. That may sound like a horrendously long time if you're a mum-to-be, but actually it's not, I promise you, when you're looking at it from the other side. More importantly, if you're fully aware of that in advance, then you're not going to feel like a failure if you're two weeks in and it's not going great for you.

My initial forays into breastfeeding were not pleasant to say the least. DS1 was a Ventouse delivery and there were a lot of drugs involved, so the poor kid must have had one hell of a headache his first day in this world and understandably did not want to feed. With complete insensitivity to this, a selection of idiotic hospital midwives spent that first day grabbing the back of his head and trying to force it onto my breast. Had anyone even attempted to do this with DS2 I would've punched them - seriously - but with DS1 I was a first time mum and I trusted that these people knew what they were doing. They didn't.

Of anonymity and split personalities

I've been thinking a lot about anonymity the last few of days, mainly thanks to becoming a bit of a Twitter addict. Twitter is so public, and if you're used to Facebook, then you can forget that literally anyone in the world can see who you are and who you follow. I was already blurring the lines between Real Life me and online me by following some old friends on there from way back, but I figured that was okay - they had lots of followers so no reason to suspect I wasn't just jumping on their particular bandwagon. What really kicked off my thinking was when I had to unfollow Crush, as I suddenly realised if he decided to investigate his new follower, he'd probably be able to work out who I was pretty easily. Obviously for the embarrassment factor this would not be great, but more importantly there is a good reason why I blog anonymously: as much as I love Crush, he is not worth ruining my kids lives over.

Sounds dramatic, but DS1's dad is not the most stable of human beings, and if he found out what I really thought of him I'm not sure his ego would take it and we could well end up back in court. Long story, that I will share at some point, but suffice to say, I'm not putting either of the boys through that again. Also, I need to work to keep a roof over our heads, and quite frankly, if my RL name was linked to this blog, I'm not sure I'd carry on getting the work I do. (And I don't think the ATOmum book deal is on its way to take up the slack any time soon!!)

Personal and political colliding again...

So how long did that little dream of a genuine change in the ex's attitude last? Approximately 48 hours before the text indicating he hadn't really listened at all. Shame, I had really got my hopes up, as much as I tried not to. Oh well, another dream bites the dust - and another blog arrives that will be a bit ranty and political. I will get back to the funny stuff eventually I promise... just need to get this out of my system...

 It's not that there's not a change in the ex's attitude at all, it's just, the best analogy I can think of is this: before it was like telling someone you're starving and them acting polite but incredulous about it while you slowly fade away, and now, the response is more like: 'Oh that's really bad, how terrible for you, I'll do anything I can to help.... except give you food, or the means to get any'. I'm not actually sure which is worse.

It seems there are just some lines in the sand that he has drawn - like DS1 not being allowed to have his phone at night (in case he phones me, which would apparently be terrible), or that there has to be two night stays every fortnight come hell or high water. So even if these things are killing DS1, even if relaxing on them would make DS1 feel heard by his dad and so improve their relationship, even if world peace would break out if he agreed to be flexible, these are things he's just not going to shift on. It feels like someone somewhere has drilled these and other things into him like mantras, so that he thinks nothing is worse for a child than these things not being adhered to, regardless of the child's needs, feelings, circumstances. Must find that person and shake their hand.... or something substantially more violent.

It's strange for me how, at the moment, the personal and the political are so intermingled. The governments proposed changes to the law after deciding to ignore the recommendations of the Family Justice Review have scared the crap out of me in this context. Basically, the emotional strain all of this puts on DS1 - and me - would just be laughed at in court - so dealing with the ex the way I do is my only option now, and will be even more so with a change in the law.

The changing face of the ex?

Sorry for the silence again - it was DS1's birthday on Monday so most of last week was taken up planning presents and parties, in between trying to get some work done - doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging!

I can't believe DS1 is now 6. I keep saying 'Where did those 6 years go?', but I know exactly where they went, the first three were spent dealing with the ex's harassment and coping with being a new mum, and the three since seem to have flown by with only slightly milder versions of the above.

I had a meeting with DS1's dad today. It was stranger than usual. I always dread these meetings, I get tense leading up to them because I know I can't just be myself. There is a way that I've learnt to behave with him that works, i.e. it gets me the best deal I can for DS1 - it's not how I naturally am, but it has become so automatic now that it almost feels natural - like a suit I put on.

The main thing we were trying to find a solution to today was DS1's switching behaviour so radically between the two of us. So essentially, as I was sat there being something other than myself in order to be able to engage with his dad, we were discussing the problem of DS1 doing exactly the same. The Irony.

All about Daddy?

How did two weeks go by without finding time for a blog?! Still, I'm here now. I think maybe I have been avoiding it as this has been on my mind for a while - you know when you feel you have to write something for you own sanity, but you know its going to be contentious and you're too tired for the backlash? I've been lurking on the lone parent threads on Mumsnet and Netmums and posting comments instead, but now I am going to put my cowardice and my need for my posts to have at least an element of humour aside...

So here it is, all about fathers. I feel like the instant, as a single mum I mention the word 'father', its like people are waiting with bated breath to pounce if I say anything that isn't completely positive. Why? Why is it that as soon as a man with whom you have children leaves you, you have to treat him like a saint? Who decided that was a good idea? These men often go out of their way to make lives difficult for their ex's and yet because they are the father of our children we seem expected to put them on some sort of pedestal, and worse, deny our children's negative feelings about them. How does this help anyone?

You see, people blithely comment in forums and in life again and again - 'We all know its important for a child to have a relationship with both parents'. That's what most people seem to think, society has accepted it as a truth, because almost everyone feels it. We want to believe that men and women are equal, therefore we extrapolate that mums and dads must be equal. On top of that we all have our own strongly held feelings about our relationships with our own parents, which are so deep embedded from childhood they feel like self-evident truths, rather than just our own experience. They are in the 'back brain' (sorry, can't remember the technical term) which structures how we think, rather than just something that hangs in that structure, so it is very difficult to re-conceive those ideas (without a lot of therapy!). But, if you can, I want to ask you to just put those ideas on hold while you read the rest of this post, please just hear me out...

The upside of parenting alone

"This is what I think I would struggle with most in a relationship: if my children are being unreasonable, I can send them to their rooms. I've heard you can't do that with husbands .... I'm not sure how I'd cope."



I heard myself say to an old friend yesterday:

"I really admire people who have children in relationships"

and I realised I meant it. It's strange to think that I now genuinely believe that, in all but the very best of relationships, having kids with someone is probably harder than having them on your own.

The first and most obvious reason its easier, is that you can be pretty certain, your kids won't ever have to cope with their parents splitting up - because there is only one of them. One of the greatest joys for me of being DS2's only parent is that I know he'll never have to do the to-ing and fro-ing and emotional processing that DS1 has had to do - and that I have seen cause him so much pain. I hate the fact that DS1 has to not be with his mum in order to be with his dad, but when you have two parents who don't live together that's the reality.

The Godfamily, school friends, snot and paranoia

Sneaking in a quick blog while the baby sleeps - we all have colds at the moment, so it's a welcome respite from being covered in snot snail trails - ah the joy of DS1 being back at school and bringing home every bug, virus and general nasty going!

We finished off the weekend with a lovely day out with DS2's god family (Godmum, Goddad, plus their daughter and Goddad's mum - who we've decided to call Godsister and Godgran to make life easier!) It's fab going out with them - since DS2 doesn't have a 'dad's side' to his family, these are like the joy of in-laws without the hassle of them - I am doubly blessed!! Plus DS1 and Godsister get on really well - which is how we know them in the first place. Went to a country-fair type thing and saw kites dancing to music, went on carousels and bouncy castles, got a cuddly dinosaur for 50p and had DS1 and DS2's name carved on a name plate for their bedroom door.

Of course, all this joyousness made for a very tired and shouty Monday morning back to school - particularly with the colds kicking in. I guess that's the payback for having a busy weekend - would be lovely if there wasn't one but there always is - and I resent it less when its been my weekend than when I get the payback for the weekend DS1 had with his dad - all the pain from someone else's joy.

Dancing, yelling, hoarding... and other generalised strangeness

Strange few days. I offer you a choice of:

• Thursday - of the ex and swimming and mum dancing
• Friday - of yelling and baby dancing
• Saturday - of money making schemes and more yelling and the return of the cupboard clearout.

Take your pick, you might not have time to read them all, I do go on a bit...

 

Thursday:

DS1's dad dropped his stuff off on Thursday morning - seemed like he wanted to talk about school playground stuff - not DS1's stuff, his stuff. He said he felt like everyone knew each other and were chatting in the playground, whilst he was just standing there. To put this in context, we never talk about anything personal at all, so this is possibly the most personal discussion we've had in at least 3 years. (I'm now quite strict about boundaries - having not been to begin with, so he just walked all over them - by which I mean me - but that's some old history for another post another time). I suggested, in the usual joky way that we talk to each other (he can't handle serious conversation, I have tried) that he go stand with the other dad's looking mean and moody at the fence. 'But that's just what I don't want to do' he said, and then just sort of hovered, almost as if he was expecting me to do something about it. Was he asking me to introduce him to my friends? Does he still not realise I'm not his mother/that he is a grown-up? It was odd. Fortunately DS2, with his usual impeccable timing took that moment to try to escape from the front door, saving me from a potentially awkward situation. He is a very good boy.

A disruption and a blues-playing baby acrobat

Well, so far, so calm. Things seem to have settled a bit with DS1, which is why it's a shame he had to go to his Dad's tonight, which will throw everything up in the air again. I never seem to get used to it, even though I know the routine so well: He goes to his Dad's for the weekend, he comes home whingy and complaining about everything (after the 1st couple of hours of niceness because he missed us) and this works itself up to a height by the time it gets to 'our' weekend, he gets it all out of his system and we have a couple of days of calm before he's off to his Dad's again, and the whole thing starts over. It is very tiring! School night overnights with his Dad are often worse, (even though its only 1 night, unlike the weekends), because it throws his routine out. Maybe this time it will be different though - his Dad forgot to pick up his stuff before he got him from school, so he got to come home and have a quick hug before he went, so I'm hoping that chance to touch base might help - its a vain hope, but I'm crossing everything...