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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Thursday, 18 March 2021

A glorious distraction from hell

My eldest is making our lives hell at the moment. He is the worst kind of teenager right now. He wakes up in a bad mood, and then spends the day swinging between 'my whole family is mad/insane/awful to me' and 'I'm such a terrible person' i.e. anything to avoid dealing with the actual issues he's facing and does a fine line in targeted passive aggression for anyone that dares to suggest he might think about doing that. Middle kid and I are therefore splitting most of his jobs between us just to avoid being around someone who refuses to do anything but make us feel like shit and won't help if asked, or will only 'help' in a way that makes more work and stress for everyone. Then middle kid gets overwhelmed and I have to deal with that too. Most days I can hold off the meltdowns for myself but this morning was a pretty bad one. I am completely fucking knackered and overwhelmed most of the time right now, so I have decided to continue distracting myself with the aforementioned probably inappropriate crush, just to avoid thinking about it. Lets call him PIC for short, cos you know how I love an acronym. 

So, here's your catch up since my last report:

One of the big problems of not being neurotypical is I have fuck all idea when someone is flirting with me. I mean really, you have to be so blindingly obvious and even then I may not spot it. What this means is that despite being three weeks on since I last reported on my latest probably inappropriate crush, and endless messaging backwards and forwards about our lives and pasts, and him saying nice things to me and seeing each other at zoom events (that he's invited me to), I'm still not sure if he's just being friendly and supportive or actually fancies me.

Maybe he doesn't know either? Maybe he's testing the water? But it's been a month now of messaging most days, wouldn't he have an idea?

But then maybe I don't know? I mean he seems like the perfect man - he hates tories, bemoans that we live in a misogynistic society and once apologised for not messaging back because he was doing the washing up (and  I don't know about you but as sex talk goes that kinda does it for me.) - but is he really? Is it just that I have had such appalling experiences with men in the past that my standards are so low that just being a decent human renders any man instantly attractive? 

I would love him to ask me out. It occurred to me that no one has ever asked me out properly. Not in all my 48 years on this planet. I mean I've been on dates years ago with match.com - but its not the same if someone wants to meet up then because its a forgone conclusion as to why you're talking - that's why you're on the app. Well, website when I was last on it, that's how long ago it was. Anyway, it just feels like it would be great, if, just once, I met someone, got to know them, and they liked me enough to ask me out on a date. Does that still happen? Or do I just watch to much Movies24??

We do seem to have an awful lot in common, and for once he's actually a similar age to me - I haven't been out with someone my own age in decades! I know I could ask him, but I don't want to make it awkward if he still wants to come to my events. And also I don't want to be rejected to be totally honest. He may have fancied me to begin with but now he knows a lot more about my life he may not be interested and just being friendly. Also, if I resolve that issue then it won't be a distraction I can muse on instead of dealing with my actual problems, it'll be something else I have to deal with, and I don't honestly know if I want that,  no matter how lovely it is. 

Well, I guess I'll just keep on pondering and let you know. In the meantime, do you have any top tips for telling signs that someone fancies you I can look out for??

Friday, 26 February 2021

Pass the wine I'm back...


So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:
'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'
So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Four long years...

I have no concept how that last post can be four years ago. Or how I put up with that hell for so long. I guess, in the end, I really loved Dreads, no matter how aggressive he got, no matter how he manipulated me and the children, I always assumed that 'underneath all that' there was a good person. In the end, 'underneath all that' was nothing. He was shallow. Everything was for show. Everything was to appear like a good person without ever putting in the effort to actually be one. Writing that I realise that 'Underneath all that' is a phrase my parents used throughout my childhood to excuse people's bad behaviour - actually not just people, my brothers. My parents are no longer really a part of our lives.

Anyway, one day I'll maybe talk about the horrible detail, but I'm back here today because I so desperately feel the need to be in a place where I can talk honestly, take the piss out of things, be me, without judgement - even if no one is listening any more!

So... the headlines:

Had an awesome baby girl, she's now 3

Discovered we're all autistic - yay! - life makes a whole lot more fucking sense now - or more accurately there's an explanation as to why it doesn't make sense. And the title 'Attempting the Ordinary' seems even more relevant...

Dreads fucked off with a woman half my age with no commitments and now won't even tell me where he is.

Oh yeah, and had brief fling with C2BM earlier in the year, we still chat on messenger, I miss him.

Dreads not so much. I miss what I thought he was, but that was never real. But hey, you read about him so you know what I thought he was and you can see why I thought that was pretty awesome right?

So, that's the update, kind of too knackered to write anymore right now, but thought maybe I'd see if anyone was still here listening. Tell me what you've been up to the last four years eh? Speak soon xxx