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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Sex, love or self-preservation?

Well its been an interesting weekend....

On Saturday afternoon, I was highly pissed off with Crush 2.0. I'd had enough with the 'air of mystery', with his inability to give a straight answer to a straight question, with the aversion to committing to anything more than his next breath. I was done.

By 5am Sunday morning I was lying in my bed, snuggled into him, his arms wrapped around me.  But still no kissing, still nothing else.

This is what happened:

I'd asked Crush 2.0 on FB to give me a lift to our mates gig that we were both going to on Saturday night. He'd posted a smiley face in reply. I'd said 'I'm taking that as a yes, you know'. I'd mentioned it again, he'd been equally non-committal, I'd told him again I was taking it as a yes, because I figured then he'd at least have to tell me if it was a no. Apparently not though.
Chatted to him on FB on the afternoon of the gig and asked him again, he said:
'I've been arranged a taxi'.
No apology, no explanation.  So I said:
'and the taxi couldn't swing by here?' He said
'Its for the way back, pushy!'
and I wanted to say "So how are you getting there, fucking teleport??' but I didn't I said:
'Since when has asking one question been pushy?'
and there followed some banter, which my heart wasn't really in, and I think he knew it.. he knew I was pissed off with him and it was like he was trying to jolly me out of it. I said goodbye went off to make the kids tea.

Let me put this in context: To get from his house to the gig he would be driving within a couple of hundred yards of my front door, so however he was getting there, there was no obvious reason not to pick me up. It seemed to me that in that situation, the least you could do for a friend, for someone you actually gave a shit about was give them a quick explanation.

Friday, 19 October 2012

A rant about that survey... oh you know the one

Now you know me, I don't blog often, and when I do I'm normally whining on about the lack of romantic activity from one particularly backward-in-coming-forward bloke, but this, article in the Telegraph - echoed in other papers and pretty much lifted off the Netmums website -  this has made me so angry that you are getting another post in the space of two days. You lucky people. So

Rant... begin...

Here are some choice quotes, and my thoughts on them:

"The survey of members of Netmums, Britain's largest women's website, revealed almost a third (28 per cent) think traditional radical feminism is 'too aggressive' towards men while a quarter (24 per cent) no longer view it as a positive label for women.
One in five describe feminism as 'old fashioned' and simply 'not relevant' to their generation."

Lets just take a minute to wonder what the other 72%, 76%, 4 out of 5.. you know, the majority... thought....

"Instead, two in five want to 'celebrate difference' rather than be equal to men."

And this is the one that really gets me. Holy mother of fuck are that many people really that stupid to not understand that celebrating difference and being equal to men are not mutually exclusive?? Or were people just sucked into a multiple choice question that made out they were? Feminists have never wanted to be the same as men. Feminism is, I believe, about being a woman and being proud of being a woman and wanting to be treated equally and with the same respect as men.

That, however doesn't make good copy for our glorious press does it? Feminism has to be seen as pitting man against woman - has to be seen as unreasonable and irrelevant doesn't it? Apparently we are all just man-hating freaks who also want to be exactly like the people we're hating - has no editor ever questioned the logic of that? Maybe they have, and then just dismissed it as 'Well you see, that's just how unreasonable these women are?'

"And the biggest battle for modern women is to reinstate the value of motherhood, with more than two-thirds (69 per cent) making it top priority.
More than a third of younger women (36 per cent) cannot imagine a time when men and women were not equal. "

Why does Netmums, or whoever designed this survey for them, suggest that valuing motherhood is not a Feminist issue? And what does 'cannot imagine a time when men and women were not equal' mean? We are equal, obviously, but whether we get equal treatment and respect in every situation is entirely another matter

"Instead, the study shows that the vast majority of young women now choose a new and totally different political path, leaving them free to make decisions to suit their own personal beliefs."

Seriously??? How did anyone get the idea that being free to make your own decisions, was a 'new and totally different political path' to Feminism??? Has anyone writing this shit been awake for the last 50 years???

"Social commentators have dubbed this new movement 'FeMEnism' as it gives women the right to live very varied lives without judgment from their peers - rather than be dictated to by the 70's-style 'sisterhood' with a solitary viewpoint."

Errr.... no. Netmums and their marketing people have dubbed this new movement 'FeMEnism' in a blatant display of 'lets label something we can market to, in a blatant attempt to get a bit more of that advertising money'... or is that me just being too cynical?

"Less than half of the 1,300 women polled still felt feminism should be about 'equal rights and equal pay', but the majority (58 per cent) wanted feminism to ensure women have 'real choice over their family, career and lives'. "

Because apparently its one or the other ladies... make your choice.. NOW!

"However, 70 per cent of younger women feel far too much is expected of women today, with unprecedented stress to be 'red hot lovers, domestic goddesses, climb the career ladder and look like supermodels.' "

... so does someone want to explain to me why exactly we don't need Feminism anymore?

Okay, it goes on and on, and so could I, (don't even get me started on the '63% believe topless modelling is acceptable for feminists' and the other associated bullshit).

But the crowning glory is this:

"Netmums founder Siobhan Freegard said: "As the UK's biggest women's website with over a million women logging on each week, we are best placed to work out what young women want now.
"The study starkly shows modern women feel traditional Feminism is no longer working for them, as it's aggressive, divisive and doesn't take into account their personal circumstances.
"Modern women simply don't view men as 'the enemy' - instead men are their partners, their fathers, their brothers and their sons to be loved and cherished. And it's clear there is no longer a 'battle of the sexes' but a coming together of the sexes to make society work for everyone in it." "

Shame on you Siobhan.
What's 'aggressive, divisive and doesn't take into account their personal circumstances' is not Feminism.
Its defining Feminism as seeing men as 'the enemy'
Its saying that you can't be a Feminist and still 'love and cherish' the men in your life.
Its saying that Feminism is against the 'coming together of the sexes to make society work for everyone in it'.
And as the founder of 'the UK's biggest women's website' your are 'best placed' to do something positive about the real sexism that women face every day, day in day out, and you didn't, you did this instead.

Words fail me.

Last night at the Open Mic, I did a song about domestic violence and a song about absent fathers - and they levelled the room. You know who came up and said well done, and congratulated me on saying stuff that needed to be said? The men. Men can be feminists too. The men in our lives who love, care about and cherish us, are just as keen for there to be equal treatment of the sexes, with all their glorious differences, because that, is what Feminism is about. For everyone, not just for women.
Trying to make out that its not, just to grab some headlines disgusts me. That is all.

Rant... over....

Your thoughts people?

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

What next?

I wish one day I could write this blog and say "So Crush 2.0 said he likes me too and now we're going out. WOOO HOOOO!"

But I can't, because I don't actually think that's going to happen any time soon. For whatever reason he isn't there yet, and I don't know how long its going to take before he is, if ever.

He came round today, but didn't stay to cook for me as planned, because he has a cold, and it seems that he fits that cliche of men being rubbish with colds - he did actually look and sound pretty rough, and tired. He said he wouldn't be much company and he'd probably fall asleep but he would come back when he was better. So I guess it was kind of sweet that he came at all. And he looked through the footage of the presentation I did this morning and gave me lots of encouragement for it, and he explained to me some sound engineering stuff I'd been asking about, and he looked after DS2 while I took DS1 to his club. This is all good stuff.. and it feels like more than just friends... but there is absolutely no kissing or anything remotely like it involved... although that's probably a good thing, with the cold and everything!

I've been wondering recently, if maybe I scare him. I always say stuff that seems to surprise him - its like just when he gets a handle on who I am, I go and do or say something that doesn't fit in with his idea of me - like work stuff, or like DS2 being donor conceived. He said on FB last night 'When you gonna be yourself?' and I told him that all of this was me, just different bits of me. He said 'hmmmm'.

The thing is with Crush 2.0, as I've said before, I am all of myself with him, I don't bother turning up or down the volume on any aspect of who I am.. and it is so relaxing for me, but maybe it is hard for him. I don't know. The thing is, for me, even now, having just spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon, I feel really really chilled out. I am nicer to the children, I am a better mum just because he's been here. Just being around somebody who is like me, who thinks like me, who gets me is so great - there is something amazing about finding a kindred spirit... and whatever else he is, he will always be that. There are obviously ways in which we're not similar - otherwise we would be going out right about now!!! - but that's also what makes it so hard to give him up, to give up the idea that we could be together.

So do you think its possible to give up that hope?

If you met someone who seemed perfect for you in every way, who wanted to talk to you every day, who encouraged you, who listened to your opinions, who made you laugh, who was an amazing cook, who was talented, clever, creative and drop dead gorgeous, and whose presence just altogether made you feel like you'd finally come home.... could you give that up?

Because although I know I probably should - because I deserve someone who is all that and who can say 'yes, I want you too' - its hard, and I don't know if I can.

What do you reckon people, what next?

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The end of the story...?

So for those of you that were waiting with baited breath after my last post, to find out if Crush 2.0 did come round and cook for me (and particularly those who didn't follow my tweets that day!) here is the news....

I really had pretty much given up hope on him coming over at all, when suddenly, Monday before last, we were chatting as usual on FB and he says:
'So, when do you want these eggs then?'
Surprised, but never one to miss a trick I suggested the next evening, and he said:
'Not tonight? You might get hungry before then!'
'You're keen', I thought, but didn't type. That was never going to happen as I had a big work day the next day and didn't want to be knackered - evenings with Crush 2.0 never end before midnight no matter what you're doing - and I thought it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to realise I didn't just sit around waiting for him every day (I kind of did, but he didn't need to know that). So, we agreed on the next night. About 4.30 that day though, I got a FB message to say he wouldn't be able to make it as he was helping a friend move, but was I around the next day? Ok, I thought, maybe you are pissing me about, but this seems genunine, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I told him the kids went to bed at 8, but he was welcome to join the chaos at any point, fully expecting to see him well after 8 - Crush 2.0 time, is, as I think I've mentioned usually a good hour after everyone else's.

He knocked on the door at 6.30pm. WTF??? Who are you and what have you done with Crush 2.0? He also didn't have the hat - he always wears a hat - it has a wide brim and I guess it keeps people at bay. Anyway, he just had his bandana thing on instead - damn he looked good. I, on the other hand, looked a complete mess because we'd just got back from DS1's drama class and I hadn't got changed or put any make up on.
'I wasn't expecting you 'til later!' I said,
'What, you thought I'd duck out of seeing the kids?' he said.
'Yes' I thought, but didn't say. Anyway, he brought the eggs and then told me he had a plan of what to cook and proceeded to check what I'd got in the kitchen, made a shopping list and headed off to get supplies.
Again, WTF??
Me, I was expecting the promised omelette - this was definitely more than omelette! Soon as he'd gone I phoned SLOG - the conversation went bacisally 'WTF??? He's here! He's cooking!'. SLOG is quite bored of Crush 2.0 conversations by now and was suitably unimpressed. Still, this was a whole new side to Crush 2.0 - just when I thought it wasn't possible to fancy him more, he goes and does something like this. He really was going all out for first prize in the 'ATOmum's most perfect man ever' competition.