Getting back to the ordinary again...

Almost two weeks since I posted the goodbye letter. God it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I'm almost glad that life is getting back to normal after so many months of craziness. And sometimes I close the door after dropping the kids off and out comes such a primal scream that I gasp for air like I'm drowning

He's barely been on FB... it was our place and I guess he's avoiding it. Although, today I noticed he'd joined her to the closed fan page we co-administrate - which we'd had a conversation about a while back, I might've mentioned it. Anyway, she's sat on the 'requested to join' list for several weeks, and when we spoke he'd not been keen to join her - it's the page where we all play really, and he wasn't sure he wanted her involved. I'd told him it was up to him - I wasn't going to join her, as she was his ex and I wasn't going to get involved. So the fact that after all this time she's finally on there, I guess is as much confirmation as I'm going to get that they are back together.

But why? I don't get it. I guess maybe it's just as simple as he loves her, always has and probably always will. Maybe because of that and all their shared history it doesn't matter how badly she's behaved, he's just going to put up with it. And lets face it, the relationship he and I had isn't one that's remotely compatible with him having a girlfriend. Still, it was unkind of him to just cut me off the way he did - no warning, no explanation, and certainly no apology.

It's strange to realise how much of a connection we had, how much the little things counted. Pretty much every morning I would wake up and there would be something on FB - even if he'd just liked a post of mine. Now, nothing. For almost two weeks.

I ended up going to his Open Mic on Thursday. His best mate convinced me - lets call him C2BM eh? gotta love an acronym! We've been chatting a lot on FB recently, its really meant a lot to have someone who knows Crush 2.0 to be supportive of me - I sent him a copy of that last post (with pseudonyms change to protect the innocent of course) and it really meant a lot that he was kind and sympathetic, coming from someone that knows Crush 2.0 that means a lot - although he's also at a loss to understand why he's behaving the way he is. Anyway, it was C2BM's last Open Mic before Christmas so I said I'd go, and it was lovely to see all my friends and it felt like coming home - like seeing my family again. Some kind words from a friend earlier in the day had helped and I went with the attitude of just enjoying myself with my friends - and since I wasn't trying to notice Crush 2.0 or get any connection then it didn't hurt so much. It just hit me a bit the next day, realising that all we'd said was hello and goodbye, and the conversation necessary when you get up to play - apart from that he'd actively avoided being involved in any conversation that I was a part of. Just sad really.

It's shitty.. but if his ex is as unstable as she appears to be, then I guess that's the condition of them being back together. And if that's what he wants then that's what he's got to do.

It's just that as well as the sadness, life just seems a little dull without it.

And I know people mean well, but the 'oh don't worry someone better will come along' type comments drive me mental. I guess that's because it means that the person saying it doesn't understand me - and having just lost someone who really did, it hurts particularly to discover others.
I didn't fall for Crush 2.0 because I was looking for a man and he happened to fit the bill. I fell for him because of him, because of everything he is. I have been - and remain - happy with being single, but just because you're happy with the single life you choose to live doesn't mean you'll never fall in love. And having had that happen to you and it all ended like this, you're certainly not going to be looking to do it any time soon...Jesus, I wouldn't go through this last month again if you paid me!!

I mean, don't get me wrong, if the choice was between none of this crazy summer and autumn happening at all, and it happening and ending like this, I'd choose the latter every time. I've had a ball!!  I have some amazing friends - and if only for a short time I felt understood, cared about, appreciated by a gorgeous, talented, intelligent man. That was a good feeling.. even if it did drive me slightly crazy all the 'will he? won't he?' stuff... better to have loved and lost eh?

So for now, I'm in the place of being glad that it happened and sad that its over at the same time... and that changes each day... guess I've just got to keep on keeping on - as Crush 2.0 used to say...

So here's me keeping on...

• I'm keeping in contact with all the friends I made - and it hasn't affected my developing friendship with C2BM - thus far - which I hope will remain true, because he is a really lovely human being. 
•  I'm exploring other Open Mics - although the average age seems about 15 years younger than Crush 2.0s ones - not used to feeling like the old lady!!
• I'm trying to sort out my house because after the last three months it is just piles of unsorted stuff everywhere. Who knows, I may even clean... no laughing at the back there!!
• I'm trying to yell less at DS1 - although he does drive me completely crazy with his ignoring everything I say and generally being vacant - so some things haven't changed that much since I started this blog.
• I've even been known to sit down on the floor and play with DS2 in the last week, instead of just leaving him to his trains and tracks by himself
• I'm off on a mum's night out this week, and I'm seeing as much of my mum friends as I can
• I've agreed to go to C2BM's Christmas gig, which Crush 2.0 will be at, but I refuse to give up my friends because of him... it will be hard, but I will handle it, and it will get easier, slowly but surely...

So, tell me.. what are your top tips for getting over someone? And have you managed to keep mutual friends after a break up? All thoughts greatly appreciated!!

Slog, Og and a belated blog

Wow, that was a long time without blogging - sorry! I entirely missed my one year bloggiversary - my first post was all about the first day of term last year - its a bit rubbish to be so distracted you miss your own birthday isn't it??

The thing is, I appear to have suddenly developed - and I'm not quite sure how to say this - a 'real' life. This is probably a good thing - people have visited my house and everything - it is, however, a bit odd. I have this friend, who checks in on me just to say hi, most days, I have visitors, I have people I confide in, not just a blog I confide in. This hasn't been my life since before I had DS1 pretty much, and I sort of wonder what I've been doing these last 7 years.

If you'd have told me a year ago, when I started this blog, that this would be my life now. That I would be regularly staying out til 1am and beyond, with a bunch of people whose homes I had an open invitation to, who would come round to see me, who would welcome and include my kids in our little gang, and who knew all my songs to sing along to when we went to open mic nights or had parties... well I think I'd probably have told you that I wasn't 20 years old anymore and not to be so bloody ridiculous. To be honest, if you'd have told me that three months ago, I'd have thought you were a little unhinged.


The OMC... kind of... in my head

But despite its seeming implausibility, that is, nonetheless, my life at the moment. Crush 2.0 says that his Open Mic nights aren't about the music, they're about the people... we just happen to play some music along the way. More importantly, he doesn't just say it, he makes it happen... and because he is sooo good at what he does (all gorgeousness and general perfection aside) my life has changed immeasurably.

I think a few weeks ago, I probably interacted more with Crush 2.0 than anyone else in my life, and its probably still a pretty close call, but actually now I'd say I spend at least as much time with the rest of the 'open mic crew' - lets call them OMC, I'm going to be all about the acronyms this post.

Of saying goodbye to summer...

There's a real back-to-school feeling in this house. Not just for DS1, who is whinging about next week already, but for me too. It has been an amazing summer. It has been the summer of Crush 2.0 absolutely, but it's been so much more than that - some sparked by him, some just me...


It's been the summer when I had male friends again, when a world that had been completely full of mums and children for so long suddenly opened up.
It's been a time when I've had fun, real fun, for the first time in a very very long time.
It's been a time when I've remembered I'm an artist, and that that used to mean something to me, and maybe it's starting to again
It's been a time when I've realised that maybe the me that I was with DS1's dad was not as completely stupid and naive as I'd come to think she was. That maybe I didn't need to throw out the baby with the bath water.
It's been a time when I've been intellectually challenged again, by the books Crush 2.0 has introduced me to.
It's been a time when I've been creative and I've written song after song after song.
It's been a time when I've let go completely of the notion of tidying and cleaning and just enjoyed my time with my kids.
It's been a time when I've let go of thinking 'I must do xxx for the kids sake' and just done stuff for me.
It's been a time when I've developed new business contacts.
It's been a time when I've deepened friendships with mum friends that were previously just another face in the playground.
It's been a time when I've let go of the dream of having another child.

Valentine's Day Eve lament

It's Valentine's Day eve and it occurred to me, as I was watching DS2s custard catapult across the room in a perfect arc from his spoon, that it's almost three years since I've been on a date.
I don't know why this reminded me, I've had some bad dates in my time, but no one has yet thrown food - in fact that would definitely have improved some of the duller ones. In not unrelated news, it's also about 3 weeks since I shaved my legs and about two days since I had a shower - it's half term, I'm allowed. I like to think that I do this because I don't have dates, rather than I don't have dates because I do this - trust me, no one ever looks at my legs, and I promise I'll shower before I leave the house, or when the kids start complaining I smell.

As avid followers will know, I'm all for the upside of parenting alone, so it's not something I really give much thought to. I was discussing my plan for waiting until the kids grew up and meeting someone in my retirement home, with my counsellor. Well, I say counsellor, because technically she is, but practically she's just someone I go and verbally blog at once a month, who prompts, supports and questions occasionally. This month she questioned. She was saying that eighteen years was a long time to go without an adult intimate relationship, and there are things - apart from the obvious - that I would get from that that you can't get from other relationships. She talked about finding parts of yourself in other people - no sniggering at the back there. Cheap innuendo aside, I do know what she means, but I do wonder whether I'm allowed to say, 'Do you know what? I think I've found enough of myself already - and it was incredibly tiring doing that, can I just leave the rest of myself undiscovered?'