Pass the wine I'm back...

 

So.... having dabbled in starting various other blogs and panicked about people knowing who I am, I thought:

'Fuck it, lets just go back to the old blog and have somewhere I can swear again'

So here I am people, a year into this shitshow of mismanagement and in-fighting that is covid-era UK and I'm ready to drink! I mean blog!... of course...

Gotta say, I'm kind of hoping that the people I've told about this 'old ' blog in the meantime, don't see it resurrected and then choose to share it with people that it would really piss off, or who could seriously affect my employment prospects. Just don't do it people - well, not unless you're prepared to be my personal bodyguard/therapist/lawyer/benefactor - in which case, share away my lovelies and I'll see you after the consequences for gin and life-long dependency.

Here's the quick life update: In the two and a half years since I last posted I am one failed short relationship down - so neither the frequency of, nor my taste in men has improved. There's been a couple of failed relationship attempts and far too much flirting with the beautiful, grumpy old bastard that is C2BM but we've concluded that until he deals with his shit it just ain't happening. And since he hasn't dealt with his shit in the nine years I've known him, can't see that happening anytime soon. He remains however, my best online and occasional offline friend in all the world - and I can't wait to hug him and nick fags off him whilst claiming I don't really smoke again.

In a return to form, I'm currently fostering an unhealthy crush on another divorced musician with issues - Type? Me? Nooo!!!! 

Seriously, he seems wonderful, we appear to have loads in common, we've chatted loads on messenger for a couple of days - but let's be honest here, my autistic inability to spot a red flag - even when its waved on fire in front of my face - means he could be an utter psycho and I'd never know. Well, not until I'm far too far committed to cope with the transition of ending it. 

Fortunately, that's less of an issue right now, because I've never met him in real life and it's not like you can ask someone for a coffee in the middle of a fucking pandemic - so there's that upside to Boris the Twat and his pals' breath-taking incompetence we've all been searching for. 

The kids are bouncing off the walls, obviously, because whose kids aren't at this stage? Don't believe the happy crafting and sunny walk pics on social media of anyone right now - they've either got a live- in nanny or they're two bottles of Gordons down before breakfast and just doing that shit out of guilt to sober up. The youngest is now back at school but the other two are still home and really starting to struggle. We were fine first lockdown - honestly, we all needed the break and it gave us a bit of a chance to sort through the trauma that Dreads left behind. Haven't seen him in three years and long may that continue - particularly now I've heard the kids' stories of neglect and psychological abuse that only the break and peace of that first lockdown finally gave them the confidence and space to tell me about. Fuck him and all who sail in him. 

So that's all I have to say right now, I'll be back to let off steam real soon, but in the meantime yell at me on twitter so I don't forget. At least now I know I'm autistic I know the lack of remembering stuff without a lot of prompting is executive dysfunction instead of just not giving a shit. Although sometimes it's that too. 

So tell me, how've you been? 

Of the real life consequences of internet behaviour

I wrote a little while back about why I blog anonymously, but the last couple of weeks has made me even more glad I do - and even more terrified about anyone discovering my identity. Today is the high court trial of a man who made a stupid joke on Twitter - Mark Chambers might have been foolish but he's not a terrorist - and yet the time, money and energy of a whole bunch of people is being taken up presumably to try to establish this.

Even more scary to my mind is this story, of a woman whose 5 year old autistic son was forcibly taken in the middle of the night because of her blog, in which she did nothing but express her wishes to do her best for her son. This is terrifying. The blog has been removed for legal reasons, but please pray to whatever you pray to to get that little boy home.

I think many people use the internet to vent, to be and explore their true selves - or the selves they would never dare to be in public. I certainly do and I do feel like it's a necessity for me. I feel like I'm a better mum for it because I've got a place I can turn to at any time and just 'get it out'. Anonymity allows you to speak your mind and mull over your thoughts - without fear of the real world repercussions that are clearly happening more and more often. The downside of that is that while it's true for the people who just want to vent their personal stuff, it's also true for the trolls, who don't take responsibility for their personal stuff and instead vent it on other people.

Of anonymity and split personalities

I've been thinking a lot about anonymity the last few of days, mainly thanks to becoming a bit of a Twitter addict. Twitter is so public, and if you're used to Facebook, then you can forget that literally anyone in the world can see who you are and who you follow. I was already blurring the lines between Real Life me and online me by following some old friends on there from way back, but I figured that was okay - they had lots of followers so no reason to suspect I wasn't just jumping on their particular bandwagon. What really kicked off my thinking was when I had to unfollow Crush, as I suddenly realised if he decided to investigate his new follower, he'd probably be able to work out who I was pretty easily. Obviously for the embarrassment factor this would not be great, but more importantly there is a good reason why I blog anonymously: as much as I love Crush, he is not worth ruining my kids lives over.

Sounds dramatic, but DS1's dad is not the most stable of human beings, and if he found out what I really thought of him I'm not sure his ego would take it and we could well end up back in court. Long story, that I will share at some point, but suffice to say, I'm not putting either of the boys through that again. Also, I need to work to keep a roof over our heads, and quite frankly, if my RL name was linked to this blog, I'm not sure I'd carry on getting the work I do. (And I don't think the ATOmum book deal is on its way to take up the slack any time soon!!)