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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

.. and it still hurts

Didn't realise how long it was since I posted. Twenty days.

It's hard to write without Crush 2.0 in my life. It's like the spark's been sucked out of me.

We had a brief thawing of hostilities.. couple of FB chats and was friendly at Open Mic last week. Then had a quite intense FB chat about the nature of identity.. in which he basically accused me of not being myself and being confused about who I am, apparently just because I have different aspects to my personality. Initially all jokey but there was some venom behind it. Hasn't spoken to me on FB since and only briefly chatted at Open Mic.

And it hurts, it still hurts.

I've done my Open Mics, and keeped on keeping on, and wrapped presents, and put up trees and decorations, and hugged my children.

I even released my EP and people bought it.

And it hurts, it still hurts.

I just don't know how to pull myself out of this. I've written songs, brilliant songs, but I can't play them at his Open Mics, because what would be the point.. only make things worse. I did that to begin with but I don't think it helped anyone.. not even me.

I went to a great solstice ceremony at the beginning of the week - an early one! - and I felt a lot better after that, let go of a lot of stuff... but the problem with letting go of your anger at someone, is that you 're then just left with how much you miss them.

And I do miss him still, every day - and its worse when I've seen him, because I'm the reminded of how not close we are.. how indifferent he is towards me, after so much intensity, so much interest from him for so many months.

When I felt the way I did about him, when I had his attention, I opened up, I was more myself, I wasn't scared of the world, there was someone in my life that understood me, that liked me for what I was.. and for all the toing and froing and will he won't he rubbish, it still felt good.

Without it I'm left wondering what the hell happened. That's what makes that conversation on FB so hard.. the person I thought really got me, really understood is accusing me of not being true to myself.

One of the worst things has been DS1 crying about it. It's not like he saw Crush 2.0 much anyway, but I guess in his whole life no man has ever stayed over here, hung around for the day, no man has ever cooked for us. I wonder if maybe for a while he felt like it took the responsibility off him... someone else was making Mummy smile, looking after her.. because I think boys do feel that responsibility if their mums are on the their own.

Anyway, he misses him, says 'I want normal Crush 2.0 back'. Because like me he doesn't understand this change. I try to explain that Crush 2.0 is hurt because of something and so he's behaving like this.. because I'm sure that's the case.. and DS1 just says 'but you didn't do anything mummy'.. and he's right, I didn't.

I just want to feel alive again, I just want to stand in a room with him and feel what I did.. or if I can't have that I just want an explanation, and I know that's unlikely to happen anytime soon. I'm so torn at Open Mics.. it's so great to be around all my friends and feel like I'm part of something, but then there's Crush 2.0 and not being the way I was with him and that kills me.

So that's my update.. I'm off to C2BM's gig tonight which I'm hoping will cheer me up.. but can't dance because my ankle's screwed, and there's the painful reminder that after his last gig at the same venue was when Crush 2.0 came back to mine after and held me all night of the first time. It's not looking good is it.. maybe today is just one of those black mood days and tomorrow it will all not feel so bad again.. cross your fingers for me eh?

Anyway, here's wishing you all a fabulous Christmas and New Year.. and thank you to all of you who have read and commented this year and followed this craziness for the last few months... it's appreciated so much more then you will ever know xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Getting back to the ordinary again...

Almost two weeks since I posted the goodbye letter. God it still hurts.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I'm almost glad that life is getting back to normal after so many months of craziness. And sometimes I close the door after dropping the kids off and out comes such a primal scream that I gasp for air like I'm drowning

He's barely been on FB... it was our place and I guess he's avoiding it. Although, today I noticed he'd joined her to the closed fan page we co-administrate - which we'd had a conversation about a while back, I might've mentioned it. Anyway, she's sat on the 'requested to join' list for several weeks, and when we spoke he'd not been keen to join her - it's the page where we all play really, and he wasn't sure he wanted her involved. I'd told him it was up to him - I wasn't going to join her, as she was his ex and I wasn't going to get involved. So the fact that after all this time she's finally on there, I guess is as much confirmation as I'm going to get that they are back together.

But why? I don't get it. I guess maybe it's just as simple as he loves her, always has and probably always will. Maybe because of that and all their shared history it doesn't matter how badly she's behaved, he's just going to put up with it. And lets face it, the relationship he and I had isn't one that's remotely compatible with him having a girlfriend. Still, it was unkind of him to just cut me off the way he did - no warning, no explanation, and certainly no apology.

It's strange to realise how much of a connection we had, how much the little things counted. Pretty much every morning I would wake up and there would be something on FB - even if he'd just liked a post of mine. Now, nothing. For almost two weeks.

I ended up going to his Open Mic on Thursday. His best mate convinced me - lets call him C2BM eh? gotta love an acronym! We've been chatting a lot on FB recently, its really meant a lot to have someone who knows Crush 2.0 to be supportive of me - I sent him a copy of that last post (with pseudonyms change to protect the innocent of course) and it really meant a lot that he was kind and sympathetic, coming from someone that knows Crush 2.0 that means a lot - although he's also at a loss to understand why he's behaving the way he is. Anyway, it was C2BM's last Open Mic before Christmas so I said I'd go, and it was lovely to see all my friends and it felt like coming home - like seeing my family again. Some kind words from a friend earlier in the day had helped and I went with the attitude of just enjoying myself with my friends - and since I wasn't trying to notice Crush 2.0 or get any connection then it didn't hurt so much. It just hit me a bit the next day, realising that all we'd said was hello and goodbye, and the conversation necessary when you get up to play - apart from that he'd actively avoided being involved in any conversation that I was a part of. Just sad really.

It's shitty.. but if his ex is as unstable as she appears to be, then I guess that's the condition of them being back together. And if that's what he wants then that's what he's got to do.

It's just that as well as the sadness, life just seems a little dull without it.

And I know people mean well, but the 'oh don't worry someone better will come along' type comments drive me mental. I guess that's because it means that the person saying it doesn't understand me - and having just lost someone who really did, it hurts particularly to discover others.
I didn't fall for Crush 2.0 because I was looking for a man and he happened to fit the bill. I fell for him because of him, because of everything he is. I have been - and remain - happy with being single, but just because you're happy with the single life you choose to live doesn't mean you'll never fall in love. And having had that happen to you and it all ended like this, you're certainly not going to be looking to do it any time soon...Jesus, I wouldn't go through this last month again if you paid me!!

I mean, don't get me wrong, if the choice was between none of this crazy summer and autumn happening at all, and it happening and ending like this, I'd choose the latter every time. I've had a ball!!  I have some amazing friends - and if only for a short time I felt understood, cared about, appreciated by a gorgeous, talented, intelligent man. That was a good feeling.. even if it did drive me slightly crazy all the 'will he? won't he?' stuff... better to have loved and lost eh?

So for now, I'm in the place of being glad that it happened and sad that its over at the same time... and that changes each day... guess I've just got to keep on keeping on - as Crush 2.0 used to say...

So here's me keeping on...
  • I'm keeping in contact with all the friends I made - and it hasn't affected my developing friendship with C2BM - thus far - which I hope will remain true, because he is a really lovely human being. 
  •  I'm exploring other Open Mics - although the average age seems about 15 years younger than Crush 2.0s ones - not used to feeling like the old lady!!
  • I'm trying to sort out my house because after the last three months it is just piles of unsorted stuff everywhere. Who knows, I may even clean... no laughing at the back there!!
  • I'm trying to yell less at DS1 - although he does drive me completely crazy with his ignoring everything I say and generally being vacant - so some things haven't changed that much since I started this blog.
  • I've even been known to sit down on the floor and play with DS2 in the last week, instead of just leaving him to his trains and tracks by himself
  • I'm off on a mum's night out this week, and I'm seeing as much of my mum friends as I can
  • I've agreed to go to C2BM's Christmas gig, which Crush 2.0 will be at, but I refuse to give up my friends because of him... it will be hard, but I will handle it, and it will get easier, slowly but surely...
So, tell me.. what are your top tips for getting over someone? And have you managed to keep mutual friends after a break up? All thoughts greatly appreciated!!