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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Of a change in Crushes

Regular followers of this blog may have noticed that I haven't mentioned Crush for a while. (New followers can catch up on the story of my obsession here)  I have genuinely been meaning to do an update for a while, but having spent the last 48 hours obsessing over Crush 2.0 - oh yes, there's a new man in town - I feel I should at least complete the Crush the First story.

So,  I think the last time I blogged about Crush, I was asking for suggestions as to what I should do when I saw him at a local gig that me and the school run Mums were going to. Well, he ended up cancelling that gig, so any advice offered - and thanks to those that did - was, sadly, purely academic. I had a short bout of paranoia thinking maybe he was just going to extreme lengths to avoid me, but a quick cyber stalk revealed he did, in fact, have some pretty major career helping commitments elsewhere, so clearly my obsession hadn't disturbed him that much - yet. Anyway, as it turned out, I didn't end up seeing him at all until a couple of weeks ago when I took the kids to a local music day he was playing at. I'd promised DS1 if Crush was ever playing during the day then I'd take them, as they do really like his album, and this looked like it was going to be the only opportunity.

It was a strange day as DS1 was at his dad's that weekend, so it meant him coming back from there a bit early, and somehow or other that ended up turning into another 'two families' afternoon, i.e. me, the ex, the ex's new kid, DS1 and DS2 all hanging out together. We'd had our first 'two families' day back at the end of May when the ex's wife had come along too - we went to an open day at a local farm so there were loads of activities, which I thought would be a good thing for everyone to focus on, instead of it all being completely weird. What I hadn't counted on was running into someone I hadn't seen for about 20 years and having to say this:
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should do some introductions, this is my son, DS1, and this is his dad, and this is his wife and their son, and this is my donor-conceived son, DS2"
Fortunately, my old friend was polite enough not to say "WTF happened to you in the last 20 years?!" - because that really is the only sensible response on hearing that.
You can see why then, I was pretty pleased when the ex said he and new kid had to go before Crush was on. It was bad enough having to do that introduction with an old friend, can't imagine how excruciating it would've been having to do that with Crush.

Anyway, Crush was on in one of the smaller venues, so we got a spot right by the stage - it's probably wrong to park your buggy right in front of the speakers isn't it? Oh well. I pacified the kids by feeding them throughout the set - mini cheddars kept DS2 in his buggy - just - and tuna pasta salad kept to a minimum DS1's questions as to why Crush was not playing his songs exactly as he did them on the I-pod. "But WHY mummy?"

So all in all, we managed to enjoy the set in our own particular ways and I largely got to sing along in peace - whilst simultaneously shovelling food into two mouths. DS1 decided afterwards that he would like to go and say hello, and since Crush had said he'd be out selling CDs, it didn't seem like it would be too much of an imposition on him. Now, despite my short and ill-fated conversation with Crush at the last open mic night, and the occasional wall/twitter interactions with him, I still genuinely thought he wouldn't remember my name, so I was pretty shocked when he greeted me with a kiss and a 'Hi ATOmum, how are you?' You genuinely could've knocked me over. He was very sweet. He asked me if I thought the sound was okay (it wasn't but I assured him we still loved it) and he was lovely with the kids - which obviously made him even more fanciable. Anyway, some promotions person was desperate to speak to him so we said goodbye and I said I'd see him at the open mic that week. As we turned to go DS1 said really loudly "Mummy, why did he kiss you?" Why indeed.

I did see him at the open mic last week, he was with his muso mates so a bit less friendly, but we had a really brief chat between acts about how his gig that week had gone, but that was about it. I was there with all my mum friends though, who were being a little raucous and unsubtle, so perhaps not the best time for a conversation anyway. I do still really like him, but I have to admit, as I've said before, we have so little in common. And while he is always kind to me, it feels like it's in the way you're kind to a pet or a child - do you know what I mean? Like I'm porcelain or something. Which would be fine if he was like that with everyone, but he's not like that with his mates at all, so I feel like he's deliberately keeping me a bit distant. Not that I blame him really... I mean, imagine if he'd actually read this blog...

So much for Crush the First. Now, let me introduce you to Crush 2.0. I first met Crush 2.0 two weeks ago. I was waiting in a pub in the middle of nowhere for the person running the open mic night to turn up. I still haven't got the hang of the fact that in muso world, if something is meant to start at 8, you may kick off by 9.30 if you're lucky. So, there was I, not drinking anything alcoholic because it makes my voice go flat, just sitting by myself, tweeting, FBing - you know the sort of thing -  and in walks Crush 2.0.

Now, in my experience, most people who run these things look like they need to. They are guys (always guys) who may not have been blessed with other attributes, so need to have 'that guy that does the music' attached to their name, to make them interesting. You can imagine then, that I was not expecting the Johnny-Depp-a-like that walked through the door with a pair of hazel brown eyes you could just dive into and live there for a while.  I think I may actually have gasped "F*** me" under my breath - never has an expression of surprise been more genuinely meant. The man is beautiful. However, despite the lust at first sight, he did not instantly become Crush 2.0. Maybe I'm naturally suspicious of people that are that good looking - or maybe it was that his dishevelled, well travelled blues man look seemed a little too contrived. Either way, my sensible side kicked in and thought 'yeah, loves himself a bit too much', and dismissed the idea. Even when he opened his mouth to sing and out came a voice that was just as lust inspiring as the looks, I managed, somehow, to hold on to my senses and escape that night without any obsession starting. It's difficult to remember quite how now, but I did.

Crush 2.0 was also at the aforementioned open mic night last week. Chatting to Crush the First as it happened. I have the strangest taste in men. If you were in central casting and you wanted a guy to play the angel on your shoulder and another one to play the devil, you would choose these two. Crush the First is all blond and surfery and nature loving and drinks tea before singing and Crush 2.0 is all dark and bluesy and smokes and drinks beer before singing. Which might make you wonder what my 'type' is, although I think it's pretty obvious by now that 'anything vaguely attractive in the rightish age bracket that knows his way around a guitar' sums it up pretty well.

I did set myself a personal development goal of fancying men who didn't play a guitar, but, as my friend - who feels the same way about men and guitars said to me -  "Yeah, good luck with that".

Another difference is that my obsession with Crush the First started with his music, not with his looks - I saw him two or three times and still had to check on FB to remember what he actually looked like. My mum friends who saw him that night couldn't see the attraction, although one did say he looked a bit like this guy:
Owen Wilson - similar but probably better
looking than Crush the First

Probaby better looking than Crush 2.0,
but genuinely not much in it.
And for comparison,  (and because I feel my blog has been lacking in pictures of beautiful men in the past) here is Johnny Depp :

At the time, my obsession with Johnny-Depp-a-like Crush 2.0 hadn't really taken off, so I couldn't get the mums' take on him. Although I did chat to him, so maybe they'll remember and I can check their approval rating in the playground next week...

So, when did the Crush 2.0 really kick in? Thursday night, to be precise. I'd gone along to the open mic night with my mate (the fellow guitarist obsessive) even though I had completely lost my voice so I knew I wasn't going to be able to sing. Saw Crush 2.0 on the way in and told him I wasn't going to sing because of my voice, and he was like "Serious?" and then asking questions about what it was like and what I'd tried, and seemed actually really knowledgeable about it. I mean, I guess he'd have to be, since he makes his living with his voice, but for me someone who really knows their stuff, whatever it is, is always extra attractive. Strike 1. Then he was saying maybe I should just try singing and see how I went, so my mate pipes up that it might sound sexy, and Crush 2.0 says 'Well I was thinking that but I wasn't going to say it'. See, fuel to the fire right there. Strike 2. Then he sang and released that aforementioned to die for voice, so that was never going to help my cause. Strike 3. At this point he probably didn't need any more strikes, I was pretty much out, but the man did not quit. He kept asking if I was feeling the urge to play yet, so eventually I gave in and went to get the guitar from the car. It was a fucking stupid idea because I really couldn't sing, but quite frankly one glimpse of those eyes and if he'd asked me to dance a naked fandango and I'd probably have gone with it. So there I am, first song, really not reaching the high notes and what does he do just to make sure I know exactly how perfect he is? He only goes and joins in to help me out. To a song that I wrote. That he'd never heard before. Okay maybe it was one of the more obvious songs as to where it was going but you've got to be at least vaguely on the same wavelength to do that right? I was by that point a complete lost cause, but there was even more to come, just to seal the deal. He came on to do another set, took off the battered old leather jacket he always wears and revealed the tight black t-shirt underneath and O M G. Fit as. I really needed scraping off the floor at that point. (And I made a mental note to turn up the thermostat wherever I see him gigging in future)  Fortunately, getting back for babysitters meant I had to leave after that set, because much more and my friend would've had to physically restrain me from throwing myself at him.

Instead, I went home and googled the fuck out of him - the results of which are: one song, one photo and no idea if he's single. (I even Googled which finger your wedding ring goes on, just to double check, because he was wearing ring on his right hand, but not the same ring he wore last time - yes, I checked!)  Woke up the next morning totally obsessed and unable to focus on anything else all day. Crushes would be so much more fun if you didn't actually have a life to get on with, children to feed, that kind of thing.

So that is the story of Crush 2.0 so far. He has accepted my FB friend request, which puts him one ahead of Crush the First, but sadly this has yielded no more information about him. I would say watch this space, but I fully expect he will go the way of Crush the First in a couple of months - i.e. a few brief conversations, a realisation just how unsuited we are, and nothing actually ever happening  - but in the meantime, a girl can dream can't she?


  1. You can indeed dream - and should do! Very exciting...

    1. Well, it is exciting, but I have found the dreaming can have it's problems! Today I have totally failed to prep for work tomorrow - but my cyber stalking has yielded one old video and, randomly, one 3D photo of him - you wouldn't believe how much time I've wasted looking for 3D glasses!