About Me

My photo
Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Of slobbery, discovery and contentment

Nearly two weeks since my last blog and I still haven't really recovered from the holiday - DS1 went four days without brushing his teeth before I noticed we hadn't unpacked his toothbrush - and there is still a bag yet to unpack at my feet. I haven't really bothered getting back into any kind of routine, and my kitchen is not dissimilar to my student kitchen from the early 90s (minus the fellow staircase dwellers who might've take pity on me and done the washing up).

While it was sheer tiredness that started this new slobbery, I'm genuinely quite enjoying it - apart from the tripping over stuff and not being able to find anything, which is starting to get annoying. Without the relentless grind of tidying up and doing stuff and eating at certain times I have relaxed. I have enjoyed my kids more, I have enjoyed my life more, I have exercised more and have eaten better. I think my letting go has generally been a good thing for us as a family - the house less so. Crush 2.0 says what needs doing will get done - that's as good a reason as any to just cross my fingers and hope the cleaning fairies arrive one night isn't it? 

And what of that great man you ask? (Well, you might not, you might be heartily bored of the subject by now, but lets say for sake of argument that you did.) Here are the barely edited highlights of how we're still not together - you're welcome:

1. Crush 2.0  meets the kids:
Last weekend there was an open air gig that he and some friends were playing at so I took the kids along. I was pretty nervous about that, I didn't think he was a kids person, but since I spend all my time talking about him, I figured it was only fair they got to meet. And guess what? He was lovely with them, acknowledged them without being too in their faces, came and sat on our picnic blanket and even leaned over and tickled DS2 when he throw himself down to have a tantrum, thus averting potential disaster. So just another thing to tick off on the f***ing perfect list of attributes he's adding up....

2. Discovering the Ex:
Later that night, kids ensconced with babysitter and I was off to play my own gig, which Crush 2.0 was coming along to, to support me and another friend of his that was playing. He was obviously in a bad mood - not with me I hasten to add, but generally grumpy. However, never one to let someone else's bad mood interrupt a good night, after the gig I proceeded to get more drunk than I have since before I was first pregnant. It was immense fun - I love beer! - I'd forgotten how great being drunk is. Besides, I had been promised a lift home by a now mutual friend, so it seemed rude not to make the most of it. It did only take 3 pints - god what a lightweight! - but absolutely worth it. Crush 2.0 left towards the end and gave me a congratulations kiss for doing well - which had I been sober I may have paid more attention to as I seem to remember it was actually on the lips, but I was drunk and mid-chat to someone else so that sort of passed me by. (Just watch those missed opportunities galloping off into the distance again)
Once he'd gone though, I decided I was drunk enough to tell the mutual friend how much I liked him, and get her take on it. Turns out, the reason he was in a bad mood was to do with his ex, who was there too. I'd guessed she was the ex from her FB presence and the odd strange comment - and the fact that of all his friends, she was the only one that had never introduced herself to me. (Although really weirdly she had taken a picture of me once at one of the open mics - just odd.) Anyway, for some reason they were both angry about something that was something to do with each other - as I've said I was drunk, I really wasn't taking much in. Mutual friend's take on it was that Ex and Crush 2.0 really both needed to leave each other alone now and move on and not keep hanging on to each other just because they'd been together 10 years, and that me and Crush 2.0 really needed to spend some quality time together and that we were both beautiful souls, etc. etc.  Mutual friend's very drunk boyfriend's take on it was 'Ex loves Crush 2.0, Crush 2.0 loves Ex - you two, never going to happen' - ahh the directness of alcohol.

3. The aftermath
Woke up the next morning not entirely certain what to do with the information about the Ex. Part of me thought: 'Yes, he's great but do I really want to deal with that?' The answer is, of course, 'No I probably don't' - I'd rather wait until he's sorted himself out and see what happens then, but sadly it's not enough to put me off him entirely. I was seeing him that night anyway at another open mic and we were our usual selves - although the other woman (apart from the Ex) who I think he might like was there too. I can handle her though - I am befriending her slowly, because once we're mates, she can't go after the guy I like can she? (This is how teenage my thinking has got!!)
Didn't hear from him for a couple of days on FB, so had a major panic that mutual friend had told him and he was avoiding me - paranoid I know, but that's the downside of things done under the influence of alcohol.

4. Normal service resumes
Eventually I chatted to him a few days ago, and then saw him at the Open Mic on Thursday night. We chatted quite a bit through the night in between acts - reconnected again - and at the end of the night it was just me, him and another mutual friend messing around on an old piano. I started playing a tune we both love and he got out his guitar again and played along - god it sounds like that Match.com advert doesn't it? Then we shared some food (same fork, I think should be noted), chatted some more and I headed home. And that's it until I see him at the next Open Mic tomorrow night. We're really comfortable with each other now, so it feels like there's not as much heat between us as there was, but maybe that's also because I have a better sense of where he's at, so I'm backing off a bit. Either way, I'm still addicted to his company, because he's the one person I can be everything I am with - I don't have to turn up or down the volume on the different bits of my personality, and that is a pretty seductive thing in and of itself.

5. The summary
No romantic entanglement STILL between between me and Crush 2.0, and given the Ex situation, it maybe a while, if at all. In the meantime, I've become much closer to all his other friends and they are lovely, lovely people, so life is good. I even had my first paid gig on the guitar this week - sooo impressed with myself - might make it as a professional musician yet!

In other news:
DS1 is off at his Dad's for three nights and me and DS2 do miss him terribly, but I think he deserves the break from me banging on about Crush 2.0 all the time and being distracted because of him. The boys have been making the most of my distractedness though and played beautifully together - I will hate the return to school as they will be apart so much and they've so enjoyed the togetherness. I will also hate the return to school for having to get up and get out of the house. Today I didn't actually get out of my pyjamas until 4pm today - I think being a slob suits me. Me and DS2 ate a packet of Jaffa cakes for breakfast - that's how much I've let go!!!

Anyway, life is good, I'm happy, the boys are happy, Crush 2.0 exists, my creative work is getting exciting and everything is good in the world - I am a pretty content bunny right now.

So what's bringing you contentment at the moment, would love to know...


  1. Jaffa cakes for breakfast - I would've loved that when I was a kid! No wonder your boys are happy. I think contented parents breed contented children but of us (me included) struggle to be content with what we've got. Why is that?

  2. Can't beat a jaffa cake!! I think it's hard to be contented when we're bombarded everyday with parenting advice about what we should and shouldn't be doing. Add to that how hard it is to avoid adverts for things that apparently we can't live without, and contentment does become a struggle with all the effort to block that stuff out!! Thanks for your comment and I wish you a day of being able to ignore all the nonsense!!

  3. Completely agree - there's a real freedom in just letting go and not stressing about the mess - you're never going to look back at your life and wish you'd tidied more!

  4. Good to read your update :-). We've been on hols and now I have some lurgy while trying to get back on top of everything and I am not feeling at all contented. It will pass. Glad things are good for you. x

  5. Poor you, that sounds rubbish!! Hope you at least got to have a good holiday before the lurgy struck! Sending you lots of wellness vibes :) x

  6. Hi,

    It sounds like you've really got it sorted! Great to hear the positivity. I'm really pleased for you.

    I really need to try and take some of your advice to 'let go'. I feel so wound up and frustrated a lot of the time with pressure to keep on top of everything from ironing to quality time with the kids.

    I wish the holidays weren't coming to a close. :-(

  7. Thank you! I can definitely recommend just letting stuff slide for a while - if you can handle the mess! I've also let go of worrying about how much time I am/am not spending time with the kids, it just sort of happens now, and then other times I just let them get on with it, which I think has actually been pretty good for them. I'm also dreading the end of the holidays, the boys will really miss each other - and I will hate going back to that school run routine!!!