I wish one day I could write this blog and say "So Crush 2.0 said he likes me too and now we're going out. WOOO HOOOO!"
But I can't, because I don't actually think that's going to happen any time soon. For whatever reason he isn't there yet, and I don't know how long its going to take before he is, if ever.
He came round today, but didn't stay to cook for me as planned, because he has a cold, and it seems that he fits that cliche of men being rubbish with colds - he did actually look and sound pretty rough, and tired. He said he wouldn't be much company and he'd probably fall asleep but he would come back when he was better. So I guess it was kind of sweet that he came at all. And he looked through the footage of the presentation I did this morning and gave me lots of encouragement for it, and he explained to me some sound engineering stuff I'd been asking about, and he looked after DS2 while I took DS1 to his club. This is all good stuff.. and it feels like more than just friends... but there is absolutely no kissing or anything remotely like it involved... although that's probably a good thing, with the cold and everything!
I've been wondering recently, if maybe I scare him. I always say stuff that seems to surprise him - its like just when he gets a handle on who I am, I go and do or say something that doesn't fit in with his idea of me - like work stuff, or like DS2 being donor conceived. He said on FB last night 'When you gonna be yourself?' and I told him that all of this was me, just different bits of me. He said 'hmmmm'.
The thing is with Crush 2.0, as I've said before, I am all of myself with him, I don't bother turning up or down the volume on any aspect of who I am.. and it is so relaxing for me, but maybe it is hard for him. I don't know. The thing is, for me, even now, having just spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon, I feel really really chilled out. I am nicer to the children, I am a better mum just because he's been here. Just being around somebody who is like me, who thinks like me, who gets me is so great - there is something amazing about finding a kindred spirit... and whatever else he is, he will always be that. There are obviously ways in which we're not similar - otherwise we would be going out right about now!!! - but that's also what makes it so hard to give him up, to give up the idea that we could be together.
So do you think its possible to give up that hope?
If you met someone who seemed perfect for you in every way, who wanted to talk to you every day, who encouraged you, who listened to your opinions, who made you laugh, who was an amazing cook, who was talented, clever, creative and drop dead gorgeous, and whose presence just altogether made you feel like you'd finally come home.... could you give that up?
Because although I know I probably should - because I deserve someone who is all that and who can say 'yes, I want you too' - its hard, and I don't know if I can.
What do you reckon people, what next?