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Single autistic mother of three awesome autistic kids. These are my anonymous ramblings about life, love, parenting and the rest – emptying my head of the weird, the wonderful and the mundane. Hope you enjoy.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The end of the story...?

So for those of you that were waiting with baited breath after my last post, to find out if Crush 2.0 did come round and cook for me (and particularly those who didn't follow my tweets that day!) here is the news....

I really had pretty much given up hope on him coming over at all, when suddenly, Monday before last, we were chatting as usual on FB and he says:
'So, when do you want these eggs then?'
Surprised, but never one to miss a trick I suggested the next evening, and he said:
'Not tonight? You might get hungry before then!'
'You're keen', I thought, but didn't type. That was never going to happen as I had a big work day the next day and didn't want to be knackered - evenings with Crush 2.0 never end before midnight no matter what you're doing - and I thought it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to realise I didn't just sit around waiting for him every day (I kind of did, but he didn't need to know that). So, we agreed on the next night. About 4.30 that day though, I got a FB message to say he wouldn't be able to make it as he was helping a friend move, but was I around the next day? Ok, I thought, maybe you are pissing me about, but this seems genunine, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I told him the kids went to bed at 8, but he was welcome to join the chaos at any point, fully expecting to see him well after 8 - Crush 2.0 time, is, as I think I've mentioned usually a good hour after everyone else's.

He knocked on the door at 6.30pm. WTF??? Who are you and what have you done with Crush 2.0? He also didn't have the hat - he always wears a hat - it has a wide brim and I guess it keeps people at bay. Anyway, he just had his bandana thing on instead - damn he looked good. I, on the other hand, looked a complete mess because we'd just got back from DS1's drama class and I hadn't got changed or put any make up on.
'I wasn't expecting you 'til later!' I said,
'What, you thought I'd duck out of seeing the kids?' he said.
'Yes' I thought, but didn't say. Anyway, he brought the eggs and then told me he had a plan of what to cook and proceeded to check what I'd got in the kitchen, made a shopping list and headed off to get supplies.
Again, WTF??
Me, I was expecting the promised omelette - this was definitely more than omelette! Soon as he'd gone I phoned SLOG - the conversation went bacisally 'WTF??? He's here! He's cooking!'. SLOG is quite bored of Crush 2.0 conversations by now and was suitably unimpressed. Still, this was a whole new side to Crush 2.0 - just when I thought it wasn't possible to fancy him more, he goes and does something like this. He really was going all out for first prize in the 'ATOmum's most perfect man ever' competition.

By the time he got back the kids were in the bath, so he got on with the cooking while I sorted the kids out and got them to bed. I came downstairs to be met with a glass of wine, by a gorgeous bloke, cooking an amazing meal, in my kitchen... just wow, this is the stuff that fantasies are made of - well, it's how mine start anyway... and damn that boy can cook! We chatted about how our days had been, and drank, and ate and then we found some really old liqueur from the back of my drinks cupboard and took it through to the living room so we could set to work on me helping him with his FB stuff for his work - and drinking some more. There was definitely more drinking and talking than FB that night. We sat on the floor, chatted, gossiped, and he talked about his sound recordings - now I know that sounds dull, and he is seriously geeky about it, but I really do find it kind of endearing. Its kind of sweet that someone so cool and so beautiful, is actually just a bit of a nerd underneath it all. He talked about his animals too, and how much he misses his dog - that still lives with the ex - and about his shark dying. Again, doesn't sound like much, but Crush 2.0 doesn't share his feelings about anything really with anyone it seems, and certainly not his recordings, so all this felt kind of significant, like someone showing you a bit of their soul.

Anyway, 3am, despite all this intensity and sitting closer together than two 'just' friends would, there had been no snogging, not even a hint of it really - so, I thought, probably time to go to bed. Crush 2.0 claimed the sofa and I headed off to bed. I know I probably should've said something, made a move, asked the question - but it was late, I was drunk, I was tired... and I thought 'He'll still be here in the morning'.

The next morning, knackered and hungover I got the kids up for school. DS2 woke Crush 2.0 by smacking a bus on his head. He was remarkably good natured about it really. I delivered the kids to school and pre-school and came back to Crush 2.0 just about waking up again. I made us tea and we chatted and played guitar and were just generally really comfortable with each other. Some people are just so easy to be with, like the universe meant you to be together so much you don't even have to try.

We spent the whole day like that. I helped him with his FB stuff, he got confused - he's cute when he's confused. He's cute anyway. I picked up the kids, I did my work, he did his. I practised my guitar while he kept DS2 occupied in the garden "Mummy's playing the guitar" he said.

Tea time approached.
'I'll cook' he said 'least I can do' - and went off on another shopping spree.
I tweeted like crazy 'Still no snogging, what now?!' MoVo and Susan were most helpful, but despite their great advice (?) I still bottled it. Doing kids tea, bath and bed is not conducive to making a move on your current man crush - who knew?

Kids in bed, Crush 2.0 presented me with another amazing meal - shame he can't come round every might just to cook, if nothing else. My babysitter arrived as I had a gig that night. He gave me a lift. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a proper kiss when we said goodbye. But no, he just stopped in the road to drop me off, and with a car waiting behind, that wasn't going to happen.

... and there endeth my 24 hours with Crush 2.0 as live-in house husband. Just bliss. Would've been nice had there been at least some snogging involved, but pretty much bliss anyway.

We chatted on FB that night, and every day after that when I wasn't working. I saw him that Sunday - his ex was there and doing her usual of chatting as if they were still together, and three times he said to her 'But you're not my girlfriend anymore'. Well, you'd have thought that was more for my benefit than her's wouldn't you?

Then I saw him last Thursday at the next Open Mic night. And I had a plan. I was going to say something, ask if this was a 'more than friends thing' for him. Because it felt like the amount of time we spent together, the amount of time we spent chatting, that it was a question that one of us had to bring up - and not knowing was killing me.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to say anything to him at the Open Mic - too many people and not just us at the end of the night, as he was giving his mate a lift home. So I asked him on FB chat when we got home. Probably not a good plan but I did, I'd psyched myself up and I wanted to know.

Here's how it went down...

I said, after much banter,
"So, you and me, is this a friends thing or something else?'
to which, after the longest 2 minute wait of my life, his response was:
"We all need friends :)"
Now I think that was probably him letting me down gently, but couldn't be sure, so I just said
"Yep", to which he said
"Which would one rather have!?
Ideas and notions or a sense of reality?"
"Reality every time", I said, because I'm a good girl and I knew what the right answer was
" ;) Best place to be!" he said. I said;
"I knew there was a reason not to do this on FB chat"
"Which was?"
"Your general evasiveness!!! Harder to do when I can look you in the eye!!!"
"LOL!! Notions and Ideas!"
There followed, more banter and then, just to be 100% certain he knew what I meant I wrote this:
"Well, in my drunk, tired state I'd like to say this. I think you're pretty amazing and I feel very lucky to count you as my friend. I also think you are seriously hot, so I wouldn't say no to it being more than that. But if friends is all it is, then I'm good with that. This message will self destruct in 30 seconds ;)"wink
To which he wrote
"lol!! and counting!"
and we counted down the 30 seconds, and disappeared off into nonsense banter about flying time-travelling bananas, because that's how we roll.

So, essentially, I put my heart out there, and he avoided the subject... and I let him, I guess. Or that's how it seems to me. Although I read back the whole of that conversation and you could kind of read anything into it. What it definitely wasn't though, was a clear 'I want you too'. Which seemed odd given all the signs. So I spent Friday crying and wallowing about what might've been, and at the end of the day I took up the marvellous Kraken's invitation to vent 'Your rage'

Here's what I wrote;

"Here is my rage, at my current and probably soon to be ex man crush, Crush 2.0
“Dear Crush 2.0
What the fuck?? Three months of knowing you, talking to you on FB for pretty much hours everyday, hanging out til after midnight and everyone’s gone at open mic nights every week, the night you came over and cooked for me, we stayed up drinking and then you hung out here the whole next day, like I’d suddenly acquired a house husband, me dropping hints like crazy, you not doing anything to put me off the idea – and after all this I finally pluck up the courage to ask the blindingly fucking obvious question ‘is this friends or something else?’ – because a blind bat with its eyes gouged out and stuck up its backside could see we’re clearly on the something else page by now (I sat up and listened to your recordings of rain for fucks sake!!!! You think I do that for someone I’m not interested in????) and you’re response is ‘We all need friends :)’ and that’s it, before you disappear off into some philosophical bullshit about reality versus ideas, because you don’t have the balls to say ‘yes I like you’ or ‘no I’m not interested’. Seriously, man the fuck up!!! Maybe you meet attractive people of the opposite sex who you get on with as well as we do every day of your fucking life, but I don’t, you know that, and you’ve known that for quite a while, so I am fucking angry that I was totally, heart-on-the-line straight with you, and you couldn’t be arsed or were just too gutless to do the same back. For fucks sake. Sort your fucking life out and tell me what the fuck is going on in your head or fuck the fuck off.
Damn I feel better now. Thanks Kraken"

And I do, feel better that is. Although I still feel sad when I think about that perfect 24 hours. But if he can't see how great we are, then there's nothing I can do about that, and I'm not about to waste any energy in trying to convince him - been there, done that, with other men in the past and it doesn't end well. I haven't spoken to him since our conversation that night. But he has been commenting and liking everything I've posted on FB since, so it feels like he's still keen to be friends, which is a good thing - he has been and am sure will continue to be a very good friend. I'll see him at the open mic tonight, which might be weird... or might just be how it always is - the two of us pretending that all the unspoken stuff going on between us just isn't happening - so much for reality, Crush 2.0, so much for reality...

So, readers, what things have you messaged or FB chatted that you really should've done face to face... and how did that go for you?


  1. Cracking post m'love. I'd have spent a day crying too. I mean, if a bloke had done all of that for me I'd have thought there'd be way more in it than friendship. If it helps I'm confused too.

    1. Thank you love! It is good to know I'm not the only one - just chatted to him on FB too, he's talking about coming over again soon for more FB help... WTF???... still, can't resist that cooking!!

  2. :-( great GREAT rant, but yes, I'd have cried too - what he's given you is probably worse than hi saying 'Actually it is just friends' because he's sort of given himself the option to think about it and come back to you - don't know if you're prepared to give him that option too?

    I once bit someone's head of on FB for a comment they'd made about people who spend too much time making birthday cakes for their kids because they haven't anything better to do - you'll understand because you know what was going on but the comment was made in the context of Blue's 4th birthday when I had spent 15 hours making Thomas and the troublesome trucks because it seemed like the only thing I could do to make his life slightly better at the time. Man I was cross with the comment, and went off into a right old rant about how I'd love to have something better to do but with a critically ill child there wasn't much i could do about that etc etc. I should have just given him a call!

    1. Oh everyone needs a good rant - sounds like yours was justified! ... and DS2 would kill to have a mum that spent 15 hours making Thomas and the Troublesome Trucks!!
      I wouldn't have minded even if he'd just said 'I don't know yet' - its the lack of being direct about it that's really pissed me off. Not that I'm letting him see that!! I'll see how he behaves the next couple of weeks, but if he doesn't get his act together I shall be off in search of Crush III !!!

  3. This reminded me a little of a past "friendship", that very unwisely went on in this sort of vein for YEARS. Eventually when I had the balls to ask him where I stood he was very evasive and surprised, although I think definitely AS surprised I'd said something as much as what I was saying. After months of glaring at each other in the streets (mature), we are very good friends again. Although this time, just friends. I hope I've learnt my lesson. He spent years being a perfect almost-boyfriend, but if you are looking for more than an "almost" you've got to be true to yourself and speak up or ask for what you want. Loved the rant :) xx

  4. Thank you! Yep, definitely not letting this go on for years - 3 months is quite enough!!! Glad to hear you're good friends again... there is hope!

  5. Sounds a bit like he is keeping his options open IME. He has had to chance to say he isn't interested, and has not, and also has had chance to say he is! Personally, I find this sort of thing too much of a head f***!

    1. Thanks Lynn and yep, I'm leaning towards the 'too much of a head fuck to be worth it' side at the moment!

    Ok, I have to give you an update from last night's Open Mic. Crush 2.0 slightly cagey with me all night, and off his game singing-wise (not so as anyone else would notice but I did). I wait til the end to help him clear up, as I always do. Then landlord invites the two of us in for a drink, Crush 2.0 says to me 'I could do with the support' (him and the landlord, its a bit tense), so I go for the drink. When we come out and I can see he's not happy with said landlord and he says 'Want to come and sit in the car with me as I would love to talk to you about that?' So I join him in his car to discuss the discussion and he says 'We'll reverse round into the car park, pretend like we're making out'. Yep, you heard that right. Why, oh why, oh why I didn't say 'why pretend?' I don't know, but I didn't. So he chatted about discussion with landlord and loads of other stuff and kept forgetting what he was saying but I got the sense he would happily have talked to me all night. Thing was, I really had to go, so I did our usual friendly kiss good night and said 'I'll see you soon' and he says 'Yep, really soon'.
    Thanks Crush 2.0, I really needed something more to add to the general What The Fuck???? of this situation. Seriously, is it me??? Those don't strike me as the actions of a man who's not interested at all, or are they just the actions of a man who's not interested but wants to be really clear with me that he still wants to be friends?

  7. Sorry, meant to comment on this one ages ago as promised. I think they're the actions of the man who can't make his bloody mind up. I am a more decisive sort and a man like this would drive me potty, sorry. You sound like you've done all you can - it's not like you haven't seized the moment and come out with it - you've broached the subject in a not too subtle manner and he's dodged it. It's up to him to be brave now if it's what he wants. Me? I would ignore him and move on. If he really wants to have more than a friendship with you, then he'll have to pull his finger out and sort it out. Failing that, you could just kick him in the balls. ;)

    1. I think you're right about him not making up his mind yet.. and it does drive me slightly potty as you may have noticed! He is coming round tomorrow so I'm willing to wait and see what happens then, but don't think I'll wait much longer. I am enjoying the attention though.. he talks to me every day on Facebook and spent more time with me at the Open Mic than anyone else, and he's coming round to cook for me, so this is all good stuff... just be nice if there was more to it!! I'll let you know how I get on!