Okay, here's the thing.. it's not that I want to blog about the intimate details of my new found sex life - 'cause that's probably more information than anyone needs - but I do want to share my thoughts about it, which requires a little information at least, so apologies up front to the easily embarrassed! So, whilst attempting not to be too explicit, here is the Dreads update:
It is now two weeks since Dreads and I started sleeping together - but I've only actually seen him the once since the first time. The thing is though, it feels like much more than that, because despite the fact this is entirely casual (he regularly reminds me that he is my 'sex toy' - his words! - and not my boyfriend) he texts and FBs me whenever he can. To be honest, I can't remember when I had a boyfriend this attentive, and I kind of like it.
Okay, 80% of it is sex talk, but in between all of that he's really supportive of my music, interested in my work and my spirituality, wants to be involved in that, and wants to learn from me, so it feels like we connect on a different level as well. For me, I think, if we didn't then I wouldn't want to sleep with him quite so much, because even if it is just sex, I can't imagine being turned on by someone that wasn't interesting in themselves, or was completely uninterested in me. I guess for me its really true what they say about the brain being the biggest sexual organ - and unless that's engaged it's just not happening for me.
So, sex and friendship it is - but as a friend said to me recently "Surely that's all any relationship is?" But is it? See, what I like about Dreads is that I get all the attention and he makes me feel great but I have none of the commitment, the obligation, the day to day stuff that I think can sometimes kill relationships. You know, the having to visit his mother, or arguing who'll put the bins out, or paying the bills, that kind of thing. I know all that kind of thing is necessary if you are in a proper relationship with someone, because you share a life and so there are practical considerations about how you organise that and have an equal division of labour. But that stuff isn't sexy is it? I'm aware this may well sound shallow and immature, but that's sort of how I feel like being - hence sleeping with the 20 year old I guess!
I think part of this responbsibility shirking is a reaction to the fact that in every relationship I've been in, as I recall, I've been the one that's had to organise and be in charge of all that practical stuff, and I hate it. Not just because it's dull, but also because I've been treated by ex-partners as if I took charge of/did this stuff just because I wanted to, rather than because it was necessary - and that makes me hate it more. More than that, because they saw that dull organisational side of a relationship as 'my thing', when the necessity of dealing with that stuff sucked the passion out of the relationship - either because I was pre-occupied or resentful at being the one who had to do it - that was my fault too. Looking at it from this perspective, it seems like I've been going out with people that treated me with the same expectation/resentment a spoilt kid treats their mother, and somehow I was complicit in going along with that. How the hell did that happen?
Ironically, the first time I'm sleeping with someone who's mother I am old enough to be (sorry), he doesn't treat me like that. With Dreads I have no responsibility, I don't have to text him, I don't have to call him, I don't have to do anything for him - and there's nothing to organise because we don't share a life. And I really like that, because it means that when I'm with him I just enjoy it because there's nothing else to do, it's just about the enjoyment, pure and simple.
From his side, it seems that pretty much all he wants is to bring me to orgasm as often as he possibly can - gotta love that youthful goal-orientation eh? And he is pretty persistent on that front regardless of whether he's here or not - it appears I am sleeping with the poet laureate of sexting!! Seriously, for someone who only wants sex he writes about it incredibly romantically sometimes - some of those texts are genuinely the most beautiful things anyone's ever written for me. (Which is actually kind of sad when you think about it!) I get the most romantic texts when he's pissed, which is kind of weird - all soft kisses and holding me close - but I guess that's just the sexting equivalent of drunkenly putting your arm round your mates saying "I f**king love you" when you fall out of the pub eh?
Anyway, the next time I actually get to be with him in person is on Thursday - he's coming down to the Open Mic (not one of Crush 2.0s) and the plan is he's going to stay over here afterwards. This is going to be strange - it'll be the first time we've been in public together since I started sleeping with him - and how do you behave around someone who's a lover but not a boyfriend in public? Since he's getting a lift there with a friend but coming home with me, people will probably assume something's going on - but public displays of affection would send signals to everyone else that we're more than we are, and I'm not sure either of us want that. To be honest I don't really care either way, if he wants to act just like mates in public then that's cool, and if he wants more than that then I guess that's okay too - it's not like there's anyone else there I'm interested in, so it doesn't really matter what they think. Guess I'll just wait and see - just another chapter in the Dreads adventure...
So what do you think? Is a relationship more than just sex and friendship? Am I being shallow? Does it matter? And how should I behave in public with him? Answers on a postcard/in a comment box please....